Page 80 of Asher
“I know who Thor is,” I said slowly, my hands spanning her waist, tugging her closer between my thighs, fingers digging into her flesh. “Are you referring to my dick as a hammer?”
She backed out of my grasp and turned to walk into the bathroom. “Duh. Didn’t you just hammer me with it?” She called over her shoulder leaving me laughing on the bed.
Fuck, I loved that girl.
An hour later we were in my truck on the way to the hospital. I tapped my finger against the wheel to the beat of the radio. Haley looked like a blonde bombshell next to me in the passenger seat, singing out of tune.
My favorite pair of jeans hugged her legs deliciously. Small peeks of her smooth, tanned thighs drove me crazy. Reaching over, I slipped my fingers into one hole and rested it there, rubbing the pad of my fingers back and forth. It never failed to amaze me how content I felt just being with her.
How natural we were.
She released a deep breath and looked in my direction, worrying her bottom lip. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?”
Those blue eyes brightened up the same way they did every time I called her pretty. “I have a question.” Her long fingers fidgeted with the three bracelets stacked on her wrist.
“Okay?” I waited for her to continue and when she didn’t respond I stole a look in her direction. The hair on the back of my neck stood-up when I saw the expression on her face. Her lips were pursed to the side. Brows furrowed. Part of me didn’t want to know what she was going to ask, but I promised her open communication when we started. I wasn’t going to take back my promise now. I squeezed her leg, nudging it a little. “Are you going to tell me the question or do I need to guess?” I kept my voice light, while my stomach tightened.
She rolled her eyes.There’s my girl.“Do you want more kids?” The question caught me off guard but didn’t surprise me. We had avoided that conversation from the beginning. Okay, I had been avoiding that conversation. I just don’t think Haley was ever ready to ask it.
I pulled my hand from under her jeans and laced our fingers together in her lap. “I-” I started but stopped unsure of how to answer the question without hurting her. I wanted to say yes. I wanted to tell her I would give her anything. Do anything to make her happy, but I didn’t know. I didn’t know if I could handle going through the labor process again. I didn’t know if I could potentially risk losing Haley for the chance of creating someone who was a piece of us both. I sucked in a deep breath, blowing it out slowly. I had to be honest. She deserved that.“I don’t know,” I finally said, silently praying she wouldn’t pull away.
“I understand that.” She stared out the window.
“Hey.” I tugged on her hand making her look at me as we rolled up to a stop light. “Do you want kids?”
“Yeah.” She nodded, smiling, but it didn’t reach her baby blues. And I knew why. I knew she was building a wall. Protecting herself and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to lose Haley. Not over my own worries. My past. I never thought I’d even have kids.
Not really.
The pregnancy with Carrie was a complete surprise. One that turned my entire life on end. And I did not regret it for a second. After raising Nix, I could see more kids in my life. I could see kids with Haley.Only Haley. Andonlyif she was alive to raise them with me.
I didn’t know for sure that she would be. I could lose her, just like I lost Carrie and the thought fucking terrified me.
“I can’t give up that dream, Asher,” she whispered into the silent truck cab and I knew it wasn’t the first time she’d thought about it.
Thought about what I would say.
“Is it something that you would consider?” Hope flared in her eyes, and I knew right then I would. Regardless of everything that had happened in the past, I would consider it for her. I couldn’t kill her dreams, and she was a part of mine. “Yeah. I think we could talk about it.”
She drummed her free fingers on her leg as stayed quiet for a moment. “You’ve never told me what happened to her. To Carrie.”
My heart squeezed in my chest as the light turned green and I started driving. Haley knew Carrie and I weren’t technically together anymore when she passed but it still almost killed me all the same. Being Haley, she never brought it up. Never asked about it because she didn’t want to hurt me.
I needed to tell her.
I needed her to know so she would understand why I wasn’t sure I could go through it again.
“She developed preeclampsia during her last trimester. They put her on bed rest. We took the steps. Monitored her. Induced labor early when they thought it was getting too risky. She went into cardiac arrest after the delivery.” We were lucky that it didn’t happen during labor because I could’ve lost both of them. It didn’t hurt any less though.
We still lost Carrie and didn’t see it coming.
“Oh my god, Asher.” Haley’s voice quivered but I couldn’t look at her. “I’m so sorry.” She gripped my hand tighter as we pulled into the hospital parking. “I get why you’re not sure.”
Unbuckling the seat belt, she climbed into my lap, kissing me softly. I clenched my eyes shut, pressing my forehead to hers. “Can you promise me something?” she whispered after a few minutes.
My head fell back against the headrest as I gripped her hips. “Anything.”
Her hand landed on my chest right above my heart which fully belonged to her. “Will you let me know when you know for sure? Will you tell me if you decide you can’t give that to me?”