Page 90 of One More Time
I’m not sick, sis. I’m heartbroken. A broken gay. Can’t give that to anyone.
No one wants it.
No one wants me.
“You okay? You’ve been down for a while,” Ollie says, catching me sitting outside on the back porch all alone. I was watching a couple of flies fuck and realized that even the shittiest of bugs are getting anal, but not me.
He lowers himself onto my lap and wraps his arm around my shoulders. I don’t even have it in me to push him away. I just let him weigh me down. It feels nice having someone cling to me when it feels like Alec is slowly pushing me away.
I haven’t heard from him at all today. I know he’s avoiding me, probably worried I’ll ask him to fuck me again.
Don’t worry, Alec. I won’t do that. The rejection is too fucking hard for me at this stage in my life. My self-esteem won’t survive it.
Should have never asked him. Should have just not said a word.
This morning, I left my phone in my room so I wouldn’t obsessively stare at it, waiting for him to message me.
“What’s wrong?” Ollie asks. His hair has fallen out of his band and spills across his face. He blows at it before tucking it behind his ear.
“Ugh, I don’t really want to say.”
“You should totally say. It will make you feel better to get it out. Sometimes sitting with things in your head makes it out to be worse than it actually is.”
“Well, you’re wrong. This is worse. The worst, actually.”
“Go on. I’m here to listen.”
He’s leaning his head on my shoulder now, fiddling with my hair and it’s slightly relaxing. So I just admit it.
“Alec doesn’t want to fuck me.”
Ollie’s hand freezes and he sits up, looking at me intently. “That can’t be right.”
“It is right. He turned me down when I asked him to.”
Ollie harrumphs and then clasps both of his cold hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look at him.
“And that’s why you’ve been so sad lately?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s an idiot then. I hope he dies.”
A surprised laugh bursts out of my mouth at the uncharacteristic vitriol spewing from his mouth. I’ve never heard him say something so mean before.
“Don’t laugh. I hate that he’s upset you. I hope his face falls off.”
“Ollie,” I say with a wide smile, ruffling his hair. “Jesus, that’s pretty brutal, and I happen to like his face.”
“Yes, well, I don’t. Not anymore. It’s hideous actually.”
Another snort escapes me and I shake my head. “God, it’s really not. It’s the most handsome face I’ve ever seen.”
“Ugh,” Ollie says with a frown. “You can think that if you’d like, but I’m mad he’s upset you. Your ass is perfectly fine. I’d fuck it. You want me to fuck you? I can totally get my dick to rally.”
My mouth falls open, and I shudder. “Thank you, but no. I don’t want that.”
Ollie looks slightly relieved. “Good. I mean, I could have managed, but I’m not attracted to you…” He shakes his head, and I laugh at how mortified he is.