Page 104 of Lust For
“You look beautiful, Aud,” Derek says from behind me, wrapping his strong arms around my middle.
“Thanks,” I mumble.
I’m not sure how I would have gotten through these last few days without him. He’s been strong when I need him to be, checking on me and making sure we all eat, even taking out tricks from his limited menu and cooking for us, when need be. I appreciate him more than he knows. I know he feels a little like he lost his own father too. My dad was one of the few men in his life who he had to look up to. I know this. He’s hurting too, but he’s made sure to take care of us instead.
Em has been great, too, staying with me and holding my hand through it all. She’s at her house right now getting herself together for the funeral. She said she’ll meet us there. Aiden did the same as me and got special funeral clothes from Target. We were both in agreement that we didn’t want these clothes anymore. My mom, though, wanted to wear something from her closet. I make a mental note to hide it later on. I don’t want her staring at it and reliving the day after we leave.
“You about ready?” Derek asks. “Aiden says we need to go over to the funeral home soon.”
I nod and make my way out of my room. Making all of the necessary arrangements for my father’s funeral was easier than I thought it would be. It was something my parents had previously talked about, so there wasn’t too much to do. My mom insisted on having a quick turnaround with the service. She knows my brother needs to get back to LA, which is partly true, but he would have stayed for as long as she needed him.
I haven’t decided how long I’ll stay. Derek says I should get back to my apartment and start training again. I pushed that back by two weeks, though—part of my lying low routine. I am a season ticket holder for the Courage, and I do like to go watch them play, but I’m not sure I’ll do that. In fact, I just want to sit at home and wallow.
Derek leads me out of my room and into the living room. Mom is in the kitchen. I hear her talking to my aunt. Aunt Ellen has been great. I’m glad my mom has the comfort of her sister being here, and she plans on staying for as long as she’s needed. I don’t want my mom to be alone. I can’t imagine living with someone for the forty years my parents were married and then suddenly having no one. I can’t bear the thought. My eyes tear again. Derek rubs my back.
Aunt Ellen comes through and heads upstairs toward Mom’s room. She turns, holding a small black purse. “I told her she didn’t need one, but she insisted,” she says, shrugging in our direction.
“She always felt like she should have one.”
“How are you holding up, Audrey? Can I do anything for you?” Aunt Ellen asks.
“No, I’m okay. Thank you for coming, though, and for staying with Mom for so long. I’m sure it means a lot of her. I know it does to me and Aiden.”
“I’m just glad I can be here for her. But I’m here for you too, you know. If you want to talk, let me know. I know you have Derek, but I’m happy to listen too.”
“Thank you,” I say, pulling her in for a hug. “I’m doing alright, I guess. It does help having Derek and Emma here. I worry about Mom. There are all these people here. I feel like she can’t be herself or really breakdown with such a full house.”
“She has, just in the privacy of her own room. Just the way she would want it. I think it’s better for her to have people here. Keeps the house busy and not as quiet as it soon will be.”
I nod in understanding.
My mom enters the living room. “We’d better get going,” she tells all of us.
Aiden and Brent materialize out of nowhere, as if they could hear her from wherever it is they’ve been hiding. We all pile into two cars: Mom, Aunt Ellen, Aiden, and me in one. Brent, Derek, and Emma all follow in another. It feels right to be traveling with just family. Even though I wish I still had Derek’s hand to hold onto. Instead, I take Aiden’s and give it a squeeze.
“It’s gonna be okay,” he tells me reassuringly.
I nod, unable to say anything. There’s a sob getting ready to break through, and I don’t want to do it in the car. I don’t want Mom to hear me. She isn’t crying right now, but I’m sure it would cause her to start too.
“We’re gonna get through this. Keeping busy, that’s the key,” he tells me.
I just nod again. There’s nothing wrong with Aiden’s way of coping. I just worry that the feelings are going to come flooding out when he’s on stage or when he has deadlines to meet. Dale would understand now, but I’m not sure he would later. He almost reminds me of some kind of a pod man, like he spawned out of some hole in the ground and never really had parents. He doesn’t have a lot of emotion. Instead, he has ideas and ways to spin things. Just like our dad’s death, which he’s spun that into a media story. The whole world knows that Aiden and I lost our father. They know that he was a father figure to Derek, too. We’re told it works out well because it buys him sympathy with the fans. Serena even made a statement, vowing to send flowers to the funeral. If they are there, I don’t want to see them. I want to burn them.
The funeral home comes into view. It’s a large old house with a wraparound porch and big black shutters that stand out against the white siding. Our little group is reassembled outside of the home. The funeral director we met with the other day is outside waiting for us.
“Hi, Mrs. Zaks. Everything has been taken care of per your requests. Just like we discussed, we have some time in the beginning set aside for just the family to go in. Who did you want to allow in first?” he asks, eyeing our group.
“All of us. This is all our family,” she says, looking around and offering a weak smile to everyone.
“Mrs. Zaks, I don’t—” Brent starts to say, but he’s cut off.
“Nonsense. You are family, Brent, and you will be coming in with us.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he replies.
As we make our way in, I’m still holding onto Aiden. Derek is behind me, but this feels like a moment I need my twin brother, not him. In the foyer of the home, I can see the room off to the left holds my father and his body. I haven’t seen him yet. The only thing I know is what he’ll be wearing. I helped my mom pick out his suit and tie that he would wear. We put the rock star tie on him that Aiden got him for Christmas. On his feet went the socks I got him with Aiden’s and my faces from when we were kids. I make a mental note to order my mom a pair for Christmas. I feel like she might like that.
I stop and stare at the room. My feet feel like lead. Aiden has dropped my hand, and he’s following my mom and aunt into the room. But I don’t want to go in. I don’t want any of this to be real. I feel a hand join mine.