Page 78 of Filthy Secret

CHAPTER

THIRTY

RYAN

My eyes feel like sandpaper as Adam curls against my side. Looking up at the ceiling, I wonder if I can do this. If I can wake up and face this day when all I want to do is stay in this bed and cry some more.

The quiet click of the conference room door was deafening. I just knew the way Grover moved that it was over. That we were done. And it hurts in every cell of my body.

Even when I walked away from him the first time, I didn’t think it was over. I still held hope that one day, we would find one another again. Maybe when I was a bit more mature, and he had sewed all the oats he needed to.

But I was a fool and naive as always. Because Grover wasn’t sewing wild oats at thirty-five years old. And I wasn’t immature as much as I was an enabler for my sister. Craving love and attention, then I was terrified and alone.

And now, six years later, I’m still terrified and alone. Except I’m not as naive as I once was. I’m no longer allowing myself to be an enabler, but I still crave love. The only difference is that I’m not willing to accept the crumbs Grover has to offer, at least not on his terms.

He can be angry with me all he wants. But if he can’t see why I did what I did, why I’ve always done what I’ve done, if he can’t see the good, loyal woman I am, then I don’t want him like that.

Not anymore.

I’m also a liar.

Because if he walked into this bedroom and told me to forget everything that happened yesterday, I would welcome him back with open arms. Without a doubt, I am a liar. I keep secrets and lie. It’s what I do, apparently.

“Morning, Mama.”

Adam’s sleepy voice breaks through my thoughts. Turning my head, I look over at him. He’s awake, his eyes finding mine, and a smile plays on his lips. Lifting my hand, I run my fingers through his hair at the side of his head.

“Morning, are you ready to go back home today?” I ask.

He snuggles closer, and I welcome the moment because I know that one day, this will all be just a memory. He’ll grow up and won’t want to lie beside his mom and snuggle. He won’t want my fingers running through his hair.

Nothing but a memory.

Gently scratching his scalp as I continue to run my fingers through his hair, I search his gaze with my own and hope that I’m giving him the life he needs, that he deserves, and that I’m not screwing everything up all over again.

“I am,” he says. “It’s loud here.”

He’s right. It is loud here. Adam hasn’t ever been in overly loud and stimulating places other than school. At home, it’s always been just the two of us, and I’m sure the loud music, the party, it was all too much for him.

“Let’s get up, and maybe there will be something good for breakfast downstairs before we leave,” I offer with a smile.

“Maybe more desserts from Miss Shawn,” he says, his voice overly hopeful.

I laugh because I love her desserts as well, but I don’t need them this morning. I had enough yesterday. In fact, judging by the way my shorts are fitting a little tighter than they were before I came here, I’ve had enough of her desserts in general.

“Maybe no desserts for breakfast today. How about some eggs and toast?”

Adam lets out a heavy sigh and rolls onto his back. “Yeah,” he grumbles, which makes me laugh again as I sit up, tossing my legs over the side of the bed.

I don’t want to stay here and make breakfast. I want to go home. I want to get as far away from Grover as possible, but I also know that Adam will ask questions. So, I’m trying to act as normal as possible.

Even though my heart is shattered, and my eyes are swollen from the tears I cried all night long. I’m exhausted. I could sleep for a whole month at this point. Everything has been so emotional lately. I just want to breathe and rest.

Grover got rid of Golden Joker, so I feel like I can finally do just that—breathe and rest. Except now he’s given me this new stress. Although, this one I can’t do anything about. It’s done. He’s finished with me, and that’s that. I should just get over it.

All easier said than done.

How do you simply get over someone who you have loved since you were eighteen, someone who you created a life with? It’s not like he’s going to go anywhere. It’s not like I can run away. Not again. I have to stick it out this time. Adam is his son, and he deserves to know him, even if he hates me while he does it.