Page 84 of Filthy Secret
Mainly because I love it so much.
I’m not sure how to respond to that, so I don’t. I choose to stare at the picture of Adam instead, then a new notification comes in, and I scroll down to the words he’s typed and sent me. My breath hitches, my eyes widen, and I lift my hands to my lips at the sight of them.
GROVER: ADAM SAID HE MISSED ME. SAID HE WANTS ME TO APOLOGIZE. HE’S PROBABLY RIGHT. BETTER KID THAN I COULD EVER BE. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM.
GROVER: I MISS YOU, LEGS.
GROVER: COME HOME.
My hands shake. My entire body trembles as I just stare. I don’t know what to reply to him. I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know anything, but he’s giving me something, and I want that. I want what he’s offering. I want him. I want us.
Why?
I’m not sure if I should be asking him this. I sound almost… snotty. But I don’t want to be. I’m not trying to be. I’m not someone who is going to beg. Grover knows that, but I think it’s time to change things around.
I think it’s time to take control of my own destiny, however that looks. I want to transform the outcome of my life and my future. The only way I know how to do that is when Grover gives me any kind of in to take it.
Even if that makes me look like I’m weak. Because I am. And right now, I don’t care. My happiness depends on it.
GROVER: BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE.
I sink my teeth into the corner of my bottom lip as my fingers move over my phone screen, and I try not to overanalyze my words. If I read through them, I’ll do just that, so I press Send before I chicken out completely.
Just for tonight, or for always?
His next message comes in so quickly that I almost can’t believe he can type that fast.
GROVER: ALWAYS, LEGS.
GROVER: ALWAYS.
My heart, the heart that was left in shambles the last time we talked, is suddenly pieced back together. It’s glued together, and it’s almost brand-spanking new. And I hate that one little text message can do that. It shouldn’t have that much power over me. He shouldn’t have that much power over me.
But he does.
He always has.
Even when I walked away. All he had to do was show up at my doorstep, and I would have gone back to him. It’s always been Grover for me. From the moment I laid eyes on him eleven years ago, there was never anyone else. Just him. Always him.
Tomorrow?
I’m not sure why I’m trying to get an extra day out of him. I should be gathering my things and sprinting back home. But I just can’t seem to move. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything but lie here on this extremely small, cramped love seat.
Holding my breath, I stare at my phone, waiting for his response. When it comes, it surprises me. Actually, everything about this entire moment surprises me, so I’m not sure why I continue to be shocked. I probably shouldn’t be anymore.
GROVER: YEAH, RYAN. TOMORROW IS GOOD.
The conversation seemingly over, I stare straight ahead, looking at and seeing absolutely nothing. All I can do is think about Grover. And Adam. I know Adam wants us together. He wants the real family he’s seen in movies and television shows. I don’t blame him. I always wanted that, too.
I can understand his urge.
Lying on the love seat, I don’t fall asleep. I stare at Shawn’s little desk until my alarm sounds. Then I push myself up to sitting, and I gather my toothbrush and a change of clothes before walking into the bathroom to brush my teeth.
Once I’m somewhat decent and in new clothes, I clear my throat and open the bathroom door, ready to start the day. I’m not surprised to see Shawn at the counter, gathering ingredients to start baking for the morning.
She turns her head, her eyes wide, as she watches me walk toward her. Stopping beside her, I begin opening the boxes and bags of food in front of her, mindlessly trying to figure out what I’m going to say to her.
Instead of gathering my thoughts, I blurt them out because that’s just who I am, and I have zero decorum.