Page 12 of Spring Rains
Good, I needed all the help I could get.
ChapterSix
Chris
I lastedabout an hour in my quiet house after I woke up. Enough to shower, re-affix my prosthetic, and get dressed. I was still tired, waking early, and I knew I needed something to get me out of my funk.
Horses.
Ten minutes after coffee, I headed up to Lennox Ranch, parked, then headed over to the stables, the iced-over snow crunching under my wheelchair as I approached, hoping Levi was around—Micah at a push. The air was crisp, dark gray clouds hinted at snow, but there was nothing forecast until later today. I was here for a riding lesson with Levi, and nothing would deter me.
As I neared the stables, the familiar scent of hay and horses filled my nostrils, grounding me. I loved this place, not just for the riding, but for the sense of peace it offered, but that tranquility seemed off balance when I heard cursing and recognized my brother Daniel’s voice. He was shoveling hay, his movements more agitated than the task required, and the cursing was coming from a dark place.
“Hey, Daniel,” I greeted, trying to read his mood.
He glanced up, forcing a smile. “Chris, what the fuck are you doing up here in this weather?”
“Thought I’d get out riding with Levi,” I replied, sensing Daniel’s tension and the disappointment in his expression.
I wished Levi was standing next to me—he’d become a solid friend, especially after he’d faced off against my brothers about how I was “perfectly fucking safe riding” and they should “back the fuck off.”
Well, he’d been a lot more diplomatic than that in the six months I’d been back riding—but in my head he’d been my hero. Daniel, on the other hand, was winding himself up into over-worrying mode, having switched from pissed-off mode. Why couldn’t my idiot brother see that riding was okay? Hell, all I needed was a modified support to accommodate my prosthetic. I had a suction socket, because any jarring could gradually work the socket loose, and a suspension belt stopped the artificial limb pinching my leg to the saddle, add in quick-release safety stirrups and I was safe. The saddle, bridle, and reins didn’t need any adaptations because I was a leg amputee, and I didn’t even need leather hand holds because I was stable, balanced, and riding out here was everything I needed.
My brothers could get over themselves.
“Why go riding this early,andin the snow?” he asked.
“Because I fucking can,” I snapped.
He returned to his shoveling, his jaw set, but not before he glanced at my leg, then back up to my face, which held the visible reminder of the accident. His posture was rigid, and I was about done with whatever he was going to say next. “What if I said I didn’t think it was a good idea, what with the weather turning?”
And there it was.
The protective, overbearing concern that often put me at odds with Daniel, that big brother tendency to think he knew what was best for me, and worried because he was a doctor, and heknewthings. I understood where his fears came from. After all, it had been Daniel who’d found me in the bathroom with the pills and yanked me back from the edge. Only, understanding why he was the way he was didn’t make it any less frustrating. I gave him, and Scott, a certain amount of leeway, but this fussing over me about my riding was now six months too old.
“Levi knows what he’s doing. And so do I,” I said, a hint of irritation creeping into my voice.
“Well, Levi hasn’t…” he began, then subsided.
“Levi hasn’t?”
“He hasn’t almost lost you!” Daniel snapped.
“Not this again.” Temper began to curl inside me. I was a different person than the man who’d thought his life was over, and that had been years ago. I was a teacher, I was happy, I had survived trying to take my own life, and now, I lived to the best of all of my abilities. “Fuck’s sake, Daniel,” I began.
“Don’t! Okay?” Daniel bowed his head. “I found you, and I nearly lost you.”
But I didn’t read the room at all, pushed ahead, defending myself again from my older brother who thought he had the right to stop me from living the way I chose to. I’d worked myself up to a full head of steam in an instant. “I know you worry about me, but stop, okay? I’m not some kid who doesn’t know better. I know the risks. But I also know what I’m doing. Levi’s an excellent instructor, and Beans is a well-trained horse. We take all the necessary precautions, but that isn’t even your business! Fuck’s sake, Danny!” I was furious, bristling, defensive.
He glanced up, then, his expression weary, yet guarded. “Shit, I’m sorry.” He deflated, tears bright in his eyes, and my anger morphed into concern.
“What’s wrong?”
He stared at me. “There was an accident, a big one on the highway, and I lost a mom last night,” he said in a soft voice. “Her brother was there, holding her hand, willing her to live, and I couldn’t do a damn thing to save her. The brother cried. He sat there, and he cried, and…” He stopped.
All my defensiveness evaporated in an instant. “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, but I already knew the answer. I was lucky to get even that much from Daniel, who kept all the bad stuff away from his family. He’d been involved in a hostage shooting in the city before he came home to work at the hospital in Collier Springs, and we barely knew anything about it.
It was what he did—internalized everything—and sometimes, his fears just spilled over into caring too much about his family.