Page 71 of Fighting Fate
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“You can’t ignore him forever,” Beth groans as I send Rory’s call to voicemail again. “He’s only going to call again. And again. And again.”
“And I’ll keep ignoring his calls. In fact, I can block his num—” As I’m about to do it, my phone rings again.
Rory’s name pops up on my screen a second before his photo. I feel myself on a precipice of breakdown. I’m right there on the edge of screaming because it doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t get away from him. I can’t drown out his calls because they’re the only way I can still see his face without feeling like a complete idiot by going through my photos. His voicemails are the only way I can listen to his voice without having to actually talk to him like he keeps texting me to do.
Besides, there’s nothing left to talk about. I keep going back to the conversation, and he barely said a word. Rory could barely look at me, like there wasn’t two of us involved in the deed. And really, what he said in the end was more than enough.
This is my worst nightmare.
The words echo in my head like they’ve done all week. It’s only when my name is called out that I’m pulled out of my head. Nerves hit me with the force of a freight train, and when I look up, my eyes zero in on the baby poster on the wall. Big brown eyes and dark bushy hair make my heart race faster.
I don’t want a kid.His remark stabs through me again. It never gets easier. The blade never gets dull. It keeps on cutting and cutting and cutting.
I’m doing the right thing,I tell myself on repeat as I stand and start towards the room I’ve been pointed towards by the clinic receptionist. But the image of that child is etched in my brain, and with every step I take, its features change a little. Slowly, it begins to look a lot like Rory, and my chest squeezes so tight that my heart might be completely pulverised.
I’m sucking in a deep breath as Beth watches me. She doesn’t have to say anything because the sympathetic look she’s giving me says it all. I know I have other options, but this is the only choice I can make. It’s the only logical decision to make.
“I’m fine,” I tell her, pushing myself into the room and checking my mind out of all this. This is an experience I don’t want to hold on to. Once it’s done, I never want to remind myself of it again.
It’ll be done. It’ll be over. And that will be that. Forgotten. Buried. Done, done, done.
“Willow,” Beth calls my name, nudging my arm as the doctor stares at me, waiting for an answer to a question I didn’t hear.
“Is the dating scan all right?” the woman asks softly, and without thinking, I nod. I’m too scared that if I open my mouth, the wrong thing will come out. It’s easier to get myself up and follow her to the bed. I don’t have to think or feel or anything.
Except the instant she starts spreading the cool gel with the probe, my bubble bursts. I’m staring between the doctor trained on the screen and the probe pressing along the bottom of my belly. The click of every button has me focusing on the reflection of her glasses.
I know it’s a bad idea. I shouldn’t. I’m going to regret it, but that fucking poster keeps coming back to haunt me. Big brown eyes. Thick, dark hair. Soft, golden skin.
“Can I see?” My voice is nothing but a whisper, echoing around us.
“Willow…” Beth squeezes my hand in protest.
Of course, she’s right. And still… “I need to.”
“Are you sure?” the doctor asks me. “We don’t advise for—”
“I know, but I need to see what I’m doing. I need to see so that I can be sure I can live with myself after this. I thought I could get it over and done with, but I can’t.”
I settle back into the bed, waiting for the doctor to continue. The room is so quiet, and I am terrified of what’s about to happen. At the same time, there’s a lick of excitement and hope as she runs the probe on my tummy again.
It’s love at first sight. I’m completely entranced as I watch this tiny little human curled up. Tiny hands cover a tiny face. It’s the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, and my heart squeezes itself into a stutter while my chest warms and fills with something completely new.
Even though I’m scared to shit, and completely uncertain of how I’m going to bring this baby into the world on my own, I do know one thing.
“I can’t do this.”
Beth simply squeezes my hand while the doctor carries on with the measurements. I’ve made a lot of bad choices in my life, but I’m not adding this one to them.
* * *
The sun is beamingas I get out of the taxi and head straight into the supermarket. After lunch with Beth and talking everything through, I’m more certain than ever that I’m making the right choice for me. But still, I keep asking myself…
Dear God, what am I doing?
I’m not the mothering type. Sure, I love my nieces and nephew. I would do anything for those kids, but I’ve lived my entire life focusing on myself and my career. And now here I am trailing the supermarket for pregnancy vitamins and trying to avoid the fact that suddenly every bloody sweet I look at makes my mouth water.