Page 41 of Brutal Lies
I stare at Howland, amazed by his coldness. It’s as if he’s proud of it. “Then you shouldn’t have put your dick in her,” I tell him, “Think of all the grief you could’ve saved us if you had spent a dollar of your millions on a fucking condom!”
His expression goes blank, and his lips shut tight. Why am I intimidated by a man who doesn’t want anything to do with me? I’m embarrassed to attend Stonehaven. Sure, if I had gone there since the sixth grade, I’d appreciate it, but I’ve been the oddity since the day I arrived.
Howland’s gaze narrows, but I’m not afraid to tell him my thoughts. They’re the only thing I own 100 percent.
“I can’t behave,” I say. “Not the way you want. I don’t have the toolkit to be pampered and selfish, and I’m tired of trying to figure it out. And of being ridiculed every time I fuck something up I could never figure out anyway. My friend was in jail. What viable options did I have? Nothing. My friend and I broke the law, but only she went to jail. I wonder why?”
He scoffs and stabs his finger toward me. “Don’t you dare use that excuse.”
“You mean the truth?” I retort. “She’s too poor to roam the streets without getting caught up in someone else’s bullshit. And I can’t be like Charlotte. She was born with the owner’s manual while mine went missing. I’m sorry, Howland. I honestly am. You tried to throw money at your problem, but I can’t be fixed. So maybe this time, we need to tell each other to just go fuck off.”
I feel drained but in a good way. Finally, I’ve purged all the bad stuff, and now I feel lighter. I try not to grin while he watches me.
Howland lifts his chin, folding his arms over his chest. And the anger seems to have drained out of him too. “Are you done?” he asks quietly. With a few words, he turns my speech into a childish teenage tantrum.
“I am,” I reply quietly.
His gaze is hard on my face, and the trembling starts deep in my body. My bravery is a farce against his steel will to be obeyed.
Slowly, he walks over to the side of my bed and stares down at me. I want to shrink back, but there’s nowhere to go.
Suddenly I know how a bug must feel when a human holds a shoe over it. I wait for the blow. I wait for Howland to take my advice and tell me to go fuck off. He’ll kick me out of the family mansion with only the rags on my back. The prodigal daughter sent packing and chased back over the railroad tracks.
He grins slowly like a crazy man. “Remember, daughter, I pulled you out of the gutter. I can put you and your mother back in it. And next time, you will stay there. No matter how hard you try to climb out.”
Howland walks out of the room, and a minute later, Nova sneaks back in.
She watches over her shoulder as if Howland might reappear as a storm cloud emitting flames that will singe our asses.
“I heard it all from the door. I get it now,” she says. “Why you never wanted to ask him for anything.”
“He’s one scary motherfucker,” I mutter.
“Astrid, I don’t want to hurt your heart, but when it comes to fairy godfathers, you lost the lottery.”
I giggle, but then a tear slips out of my eye. The crying starts in earnest, and I shake in my bed. “God, I wish it was August all over again. I wish my mother had never let Howland into our apartment. I wish I had run away or refused to go to Stonehaven, but it’s too late for regret. It won’t change anything anyway.”
Nova hugs me as I cry it all out. Whatever was left in me is gone. The fear, the anger, the hurt. I got to say what I thought, but I could’ve said more. I was almost raped, but does my father even want to hear it?
Does he even care?
“I don’t get it, Nova. Why is he keeping me around? Why does he feel he must control everything? Plenty of people have black sheep in the family that they happily ignore. So, why doesn’t he pretend I don’t exist and put up that wall of silence?”
Nova shakes her head. “I don’t know, Astrid. I would’ve said guilt, but I’ve met him now. The man has no soul, so I don’t know what he’s getting out of this relationship. I’m sorry, honey, but I don’t think he’s keeping you around for love.”
I wipe my eyes with my hand and shiver as my skin rises in goose bumps. Nova gently pushes the blanket up over my shoulders, and I let her. I don’t reach for the blanket and do it myself. I let her do it. I let someone show me that she cares.
“So are you coming back to slum it with us at Monarch?” she asks quietly.
I laugh. “No, he hasn’t kicked me out of his life yet. I’m supposed to finish at Stonehaven and get straight As. He would shit if he knew I have the answer keys to all the tests.”
Nova laughs, shaking her head. “What’s the point if you’re going to cheat?”
“I just want to fit in,” I tell her, “It’s nice to know where you belong.”
Nova holds my hand. “I can agree with that with all my heart.”