Page 30 of Taboo
“Levi. I just need a minute.” I hear the sound of him sliding down the door on the opposite side, pulling me to match his action once again.
“I’ve got all day if that’s what it takes.” He’s being nice and if he only knew why I’m upset, he wouldn’t be sitting here with me.
“You need to just walk away. I’m no good for you.”
“Why don’t you let me make that decision?” His voice calms me even though it shouldn’t. I’m about to make him see just how bad I really am for him.
“Look at this. She won’t even let you in your own room.” I stand the instant I hear Noah.
“Noah, stay out of this!” I yell as I open the door, causing Levi to fall back just slightly when I surprise him. Levi stands when Noah walks by with a giant smile on his face. I have the urge to follow him and slap it right off his face, but choose to stay and talk to Levi.
He closes the door behind him, leaving us alone in his room once again. “I know this has been hard on you. I had some time to think this afternoon and wanted to talk to you about a few things.” He starts in first, so I have to interrupt him quickly.
“I need to tell you something first.” He flops down on his bed, looking me over and allowing me time to talk. Only I can’t manage to get a word out of my mouth. I don’t want to upset him and this is only going to do that.
“Kali, what’s wrong? You have me worried.”
There’s no easy way to do this, but I know for a fact if I leave this room without doing it, Noah will be waiting to do it for me. If I have a single chance of Levi not hating me, this needs to come from me.
“Please don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you, Kali.”
“Levi, please let me finish before you say anything else. If I’m going to do this, I need to say it all at once.” He nods slowly, obviously not assured he wants to know what I have to say. “I’m completely stuck caring for two men. I came here a few weeks ago wanting to see Noah, then you came out of nowhere and showed me what it’s like to be truly cared about. I’ve had so much fun with you and I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’ve protected me over and over again.” I start pacing again. Not looking at him seems to make the words come out easier.
“Then Noah decided he wanted to stop fighting everything he’s felt for me over the years. I told you both I need time to think, which is why I walked away from you this morning. I care about you both, Levi, yet all I seem to do is bounce from one of you to the other. It’s not fair to you that I feel this way. Hell, it’s not fair to me. It’s gutting me inside to feel like this.” I swallow hard, knowing this next part is going to be bitter tasting as I say it.
“I slept with Noah today.” He sits up quickly and the instant hurt on his face is something I can’t miss and even though he tries to shake it off fast, he doesn’t succeed. “I went for a drive with him to talk and we stopped… and one thing led to another.”
“I don’t need the details, Kali.” His words come out in a bite as he stands to face me. “I don’t want to hear what happens with him.” He looks down when he gets close to me, avoiding my eyes completely. I can feel him hurting and I hate it.
“You wanted space to see what there was there, I knew that. You’ve been very straightforward with me. Honestly, I’m surprised it took this long for you two to get to that point.” He finally looks at me in the eyes and I let out the breath I’ve been holding.
“I only care about what you feel about me. About what we have together. And if you being with him has made you realize what you want.” He slides his hands down both of my arms while we stand face to face. Chest to chest. Eye to eye.
“I can tell you I felt instantly guilty and worried about what I’d say to you. I can’t lose you, Levi. You’ve been a friend to me like no one else. You’ve managed to break through all the walls I put in place specifically to keep everyone out.” He turns away from me before he starts to talk.
“Friend, huh?”
“No we’ve been more than friends, but most importantly you’ve shown me what it’s like to have someone loyal on your side and I’ve done nothing to repay you. I’ve only hurt you and brought chaos into your life.”
“Don’t you think I knew this shit with Noah was coming? He always gets what he wants, to hell with anything else.” The look on his face is tearing me up again.
“I did this. I allowed this to happen. I don’t know what I’m doing from one second to another with you two. On one hand, I have the man I’ve wanted my entire life and the other is a man I never knew existed.” I walk closer to him, hoping he doesn’t turn away from me before I get to make my point. “A man I never knew could care for me like he does. Make me feel loved with a simple touch.” He doesn’t turn away. “It’s like you’re teaching me to love myself, Levi. And that’s confusing the shit out of me. It makes me realize maybe something I’ve wanted my entire life isn’t what I need at all.”
“Kali, I’ll let you have the space you need to decide what you want, but I won’t play games.”
“I won’t either. I’ll always give you honesty.”
“I can deal with that.” He moves away from me once again, and this time the look of disgust is no longer spread across his face.
“I’m sorry, Levi.” The lump is there the second I begin to say the words. I truly am sorry for the mess I’ve made.
“Just be honest like you said and I can handle everything else. I know you’re working through some stuff.” He doesn’t say anything else before he wraps his arms around me, squeezing me tightly. We stand still while the rest of the world continues to proceed. I can hear his heartbeat against my ear as I lean my head on his chest.
I lean forward to kiss him, only to have him pull back. “But I won’t be kissing your lips when you’ve just been with him. Take a shower. You’ll have to wash that fucker off of you if you want anything from me.”
Chapter Twenty