Page 75 of Pucks and Books
I close my eyes and fight back the tears. I don’t want to cry; I don’t want to continue to be hurt by my past. But that’s the thing about trauma. You think you’ve overcome it, and then it comes back full force, smacking you right in the chest. I’m so frustrated, so embarrassed, and while I know I’m strong, I don’t feel that way right now. I feel like the weak young woman who lay in a pool of her own blood. I was so scared of him, but I can’t forget that I got my sisters out and then myself. We are thriving now because I didn’t give up on a dream of a future for us.
I can’t let myself forget that.
Because Ciaran is my future.
Unable to look at him, I clear my throat free of the emotion and let out a shaky sigh. He threads his fingers through mine then, bringing my hand to his lips for a soft kiss of encouragement. Of love. Love for me, and I love him more than I did a second ago for his support. I blink a few times, trying to clear the tears as my heart is beating out of control in my chest.
On an exhale, I whisper, “Like I said before, the cult was absolutely horrendous in its treatment of women. I took the brunt of it because I didn’t want any of my sisters to experience a moment of it. Even so, Eliza and Austen were forced into things no one should be forced into.” I chance a look up, and Ciaran is sitting still, watching me intently. I lick my lips and inhale deeply, my chest hurting from the motion. My shoulders fall as I blow out the breath. “There was this ritual in a place called the Halo, where we were put in the middle of a ring, and the men of age would walk around and decide who would please them. I was used in every way possible. They’d bite us, smack us, and stuff their dicks in our mouths. It was degrading and disgusting, but the Grandmaster said it was in the Bible that a man had to be pleased by his wife. So a man had to find the woman who gave him the most pleasure.”
Ciaran stills beside me. I don’t even think he’s breathing as his eyes darken. “Lou, my God. I’m speechless.”
I nod. “That’s not the kicker,” I say with a soulless laugh. “There was this bastard, Peter.” His name is like venom coming from my lips. “He had decided he wanted Clara, but at the time, Clara was only nine. I figured I could get her out before she came of age at fourteen, when he could technically court her. But she had already started her cycles by the time she turned twelve, so he pushed to court her early. I caught wind of it from Austen—she was the Grandmaster’s favorite, and no matter how I tried to distract him from her, he would still put her in the most disgusting situations. Make her watch as he raped our mom, or he would tie Austen up and fondle her, force her to give him oral pleasure. I mean, it was bad, and since I couldn’t save her, I knew I couldn’t let Peter take Clara.” I wipe a tear away that escapes at the thought of that fucker touching my baby sister. “She would have never gotten out if he had locked her down, and so I offered myself.”
Ciaran moves his thumb to catch more of my tears, and I smile a thanks before looking down at my hands. Before I can go on, though, he tells me, “You are the best sister, Lou. I wish I were loved by my siblings the way you love yours.”
A sob gets caught in my throat, and I choke on it, coughing until my eyes leak tears and my chest hurts. When it subsides, thankfully from taking a sip of my coffee, I look up to meet Ciaran’s worried gaze. I feel like if I look at him as I say what I need to say, I won’t see the images of what that bastard did to me. I’ll only see Ciaran’s kind, beautiful blue eyes. I’ll only see the love he has for me. My heart pounds loudly in my chest, and I swear he can hear it as I go on. “Peter raped me constantly, forced himself on me even before our courting was over. He beat me whenever I tried to protect my sisters or stand up for myself. He was a monster, and not in the way I like. Like truly, an evil bastard.”
“Tell me where he is, and I’ll kill him, Lou.”
My chest aches at his demand, his love for me. “I would never ask that of you.” I thread my fingers with his, rubbing my thumb along the back of his hand. “The night he left my back the way it is was the night Austen left. I had stolen a bunch of money from him and gave it to Austen to get herself out, to get to my peepaw, and to get Eliza and Elliot out next. He beat me bloody with his belt and then slit me open with a knife, over and over, until I passed out from the pain.”
“Lou,” he murmurs, and I shrug.
“He continued beating me and cutting me every night until, finally, we were able to get Clara out. I had to leave before she did, though. Because he tried to kill me when Eliza and Elliot got out since the Grandmaster was pissed and blamed me. The only reason I didn’t die from my injuries was because Austen rushed me to the hospital when she found me. Three days later, we picked up Clara, and we never looked back.”
“My love,” he whispers, moving his fingers along mine. “I hate that this happened to someone as amazing as you. I wish you’d let me go after them.”
“So you can be just as bad as them? I’m done. I’m out. I’m thriving and surviving, not them. I won’t let you drop to their level, give them power once more.”
He slowly shakes his head. “You’re incredible.”
I give him a small smile. “Thanks. Though, now I’m screaming and crying from my dreams, so I don’t feel very incredible.”
He leans in, kissing my top lip. “You are,” he promises, kissing me again. His eyes burn into mine as he cups my face and gently moves his thumb along my jaw. “I just don’t get it, though. How can a mother let this happen to her child?”
I roll my eyes. “My mother isn’t a mother. She was a broodmare and cared more for herself than any of us.”
“But still, she could have stopped him. Where is the compassion?”
I shake my head. “She couldn’t stop him. Women had no power there, and I was his.”
“What do you mean, his?”
I don’t like the look in his eyes, almost like he suspects something that isn’t true. Cautiously, I say, “He owned me.”
“No, that doesn’t make sense. How can he own you if you didn’t want him?”
“Nothing about that place made sense.”
“Lou, how could he own you?”
Did I leave something out? I thought I was pretty thorough, but then, it is a lot to tell. With my chin held high, I state the one fact that I hate the most.
“I took Clara’s place as his wife.”
CHAPTER 47
Ciaran