Page 35 of Necessary Cruelty
People who don’t live in the Gulch, don’t hang around here just for fun.
Catching me watching him, Jake’s smile widens. He gestures behind me to the wall of tobacco products locked up in a case. “I need a pack of Newports.”
I wrinkle my nose as I turn to unlock the case. Smoking might be the most disgusting habit I can think of, aside from maybe taking dumps in public spaces.
“They’re not for me,” he adds, obviously reading the expression on my face. “I’m making an art project about consumerism under late stage capitalism. How the things we consume to relieve ourselves of the stress of society lead to even more anxiety that keeps up beholden to our own oppression. We’re all cogs in the machine.”
Grandpa would have said that Jake sounds like a damn hippy. I have no idea what I would say if I had a voice, even mentally I’m at a loss for words.
“Sorry,” Jake murmurs with a small shrug. “That was a little much.”
“You’re an artist, huh?” Amelia sidles closer with half of a hotdog still in her hand. “That’s cool. Most of the guys around here want to be drug dealers when they grow up.” She catches the expression on my face, and her eyes widen. “But you don’t live around here, do you?”
“Not exactly, my family bought a house off El Dorado, I think you guys call that area…”
“The Bluffs,” Amelia finishes, the curiosity on her face shifting to something more wary, although it doesn’t stop her from asking questions. “What brings you all the way out here? You had to drive by a Whole Foods and the Rite Aid.”
Jake blushes. He actually blushes. “I was just driving.”
“And you thought you’d stop here? At this crappy little convenience store that doesn’t even have a gas station attached because the pumps stopped working years ago and the owner never bothered to get them fixed. The parking lot is so wrecked that grass is growing through the pavement. They really should call it the Keep Walking and Sip.”
He holds up the pack of cigarettes that I just placed on the counter. “They don’t sell Newports at the Whole Foods.”
She leans forward to rest her elbow on the counter, her chin propped up on her hand. It’s as close to him as she can possibly get without climbing into his lap. “Still seems like a long way to go.”
But Jake just shakes his head with a rueful laugh. “You sure are persistent.”
It’s a weird sensation to not be part of a conversation that is clearly for my benefit. Amelia obviously wants to assuage her curiosity, but she is making a choice to hold this little interrogation here at the counter
And it’s an even stranger realization that someone can be your closest friend when they never hear your voice.
I ring up the cigarettes and loudly tap the display before Amelia can say anything else. As much as I want to hear Jake admit that he came all this way just to see me, the whole exchange is a little bit excruciating. If Amelia embarrasses him enough, he might not try again next time.
Then I remember that he asked me to the Founder’s Ball and I said yes, which makes my heart beat a little too fast. I can’t decide which I’m more worried about, Jake figuring out that I’m not worth the hassle, or what Vin will do when he finds out.
When Jake holds out a crisp twenty-dollar bill, I reach for it, but he doesn’t immediately let go. The tips of our fingers touch, and I stare up into his friendly eyes for a moment that seems outside of time. I can’t decide if I feel drawn to him because I genuinely like him, or because he is the first normal guy who has ever taken an interest in me.
I make his change, the coins in the drawer clanging loudly together because my hands are shaking. When I hand the money to him, I ensure our skin doesn’t come in contact again because I don’t trust my own body’s reactions.
Amelia watches the interaction with obvious interest, her gaze passing back and forth between us. “Did you know my girl here can sing?”
It usually isn’t this hard to maintain the imposed silence, but at the moment all I want to do is yell at her to shut the hell up. I restrain myself to just glaring, an obvious cue she chooses to ignore.
“I mean, it’s been years, but our church choir has never been the same.” Amelia ignores my rapid head shake of negation and smiles brightly up at Jake. “Maybe you can help me coax her back sometime.”
If a hole wants to open up in the earth and swallow a person whole, this would be a great time for it.
“That’s something I’d love to see, or hear, I guess,” he says, smiling until he sees the look on my face. “If you want to, I mean.”
I definitely don’t, and not just because Vin has robbed me of a voice. Neither Zion or I have stepped foot inside the church since our mother left. She was always the one who seemed to think that showing up for a few hours every Sunday could make up for a week’s worth of sins.
Judging by the way we live, all of us risk bursting into flame the moment that we cross the threshold.
I just shake my head at Jake as I tap the smiley face sticker on the register that says Have a Great Day! It’s not quite the same thing as a dismissal, but I can’t take much more of this conversation, even if I’m not exactly participating in it.
Amelia slips her arm through Jake’s after giving me a conspiratorial wink. If it were anyone else, I’d think they were messing with me, but she’s doing what she does best: getting information out of people that they don’t necessarily want to give up.
I turn back to the register with a small smile as I finish up the transaction.