Page 4 of Walk of Shame
Chapter Two
“You’re where!” My best girlfriend Tessa Jordan screeches into my ear.
In my most calm tone I say, “I’m in Belize.”
Yes. I’ve done it. Thirty-two hours after my revelation on the park bench I’m sitting on the patio of the hotel from the billboard drinking a piña colada, cell phone to ear, watching the waves break over the sand.
Before I’d left, I hadn’t told anyone my plans, because I hadn’t wanted anyone to talk me out of it. Except for my boss to let her know I wouldn’t be in to work, I hadn’t made a single call until I sat down in the lounge, drink in hand.
“Oh my god, are you with the hot doctor you went home with?” Tessa, she knows me far too well, and jaunting off to a tropical paradise with a hookup is exactly something I’d do.
An image of Christopher with his head between my legs fills my mind and a shiver races along my skin. I ignore it. These kinds of thoughts aren’t helpful if I’m going to keep my vow of celibacy.
“No. I’m by myself.” I take a sip of the frosty coconut-and-rum concoction that’s probably a gazillion calories. Instinctive fear for my waistline washes over me, but I brush off the distress. I don’t have to care about calories. Men are off the table, who cares if my stomach gets a little bloated.
Besides I’m on vacation. With the balmy breeze blowing across my skin, I’m not going to worry about such trivial matters. I can work on my abs in my free time when I’m back at home. I’ll have plenty of it.
Another high-pitched scream. “You took off for Belize by yourself?”
“Yep.” The word is simple and exact. Because, fuck yeah, I did! I took charge. I made a change and I went for it.
Okay, yes, I’ll admit it’s a little weird to be sitting here by myself. I’m totally out of my comfort zone, but that’s a good thing. I read somewhere that all change happens outside your comfort zone so I must be on the right track.
It will just take some getting used to.
“But why?” Tessa asks, the surprise in her tone clear.
I take another sip of my drink before squinting down at the beach littered with people. I need to get down to the little cabana I’d rented. Maybe I’ll even take a nap. I never get to take naps.
“Ashley!”
The shriek of my name rips me away from my relaxation planning. For a girl that’s always on the go, figuring out how to do nothing requires some forethought.
I return to the subject at hand. “What’s wrong with Belize? Ever since I read Eat Pray Love I’ve been dying to come. I had vacation time and got an impulse.”
It’s partially true. When I’d read the book I marveled at the author’s bravery and told myself I could never go anywhere like that alone.
I’m proving myself wrong.
“You don’t even want to go to the bathroom alone,” Tessa says.
It’s true. It all stems from an irrational fear if I get comfortable being alone, I’ll end up alone, abandoned, with nobody to love me.
So here I am, changing my limiting beliefs. Go me.
Who cares if people think I’m a loser? I’m not a loser. Or, at least I won’t be after my year of self-discovery is complete.
I give myself a little mental pat on the back. “I know. That’s why I did it.”
“This isn’t like you at all.”
“I’m trying something new.” So take that, world.
When Tessa speaks, there’s a new suspicion lacing the words. “Did something bad happen with the doctor? Did he suck in bed?”
“It was fine. He has nothing to do with it.” It’s a lie. He has everything to do with it, just not in a way I can explain. How do I articulate that the best sex of my life is forcing me to make changes in my life? It’s counter intuitive.
I run my hand through my hair, and try to ignore the feeling that’s been dogging me since I snuck out of Christopher Fellows’s apartment. I hate that he feels like a missed opportunity, when it’s not true. Even if I’d done everything perfectly, there’s no future. I’m thirty-two to his twenty-seven. Five years older! I understand this is the modern age and women can do whatever they want, but I don’t date younger guys. He’s supposed to be older than me. I’m supposed to make him feel young, not have him make me feel old. Also, he’s starting his career, and still finishing up his residency to be an orthopedic surgeon. I’m nearing the wrong side of thirty and am now forced to be realistic. If I want family and kids, I don’t have time to sit around and wait for someone to establish a career.