Page 120 of The Quit List
But I meant what I said to Holly last night—she’s changed my perspective. On everything. While I had my heart locked up and was scared to fail in case it led to a broken heart, she’s been willing to put herself out there and fail, time and time again. She’s been so much braver than me, all along. Trying and failing, and trying again.
And maybe that’s what love is meant to look like—something that you keep trying for. Keep working on. Keep committing to, in the good times and in the bad.
My fears are no longer going to keep me from trying. From putting myself out there for the woman who means the world to me. Because in the end, if it comes down to it, my heart breaking for Holly is still preferable to having an unbroken heart that never got to experience beating for her.
That’s the kind of love I want, and the kind of love I have with Holly. Selfless. Putting the other person first.
What I saw growing up wasn’t love.
Love gives, not takes. Builds, not destroys. Adds, not takes away.
Someone to complement you, not complete you.
I meet my sister’s eyes. Clock her knowing expression. “What are you smirking about?”
“You love her, don’t you?”
“What?” I say again, like an idiot.
“Holly. You love her.”
I blink. “How did you kn?—?”
“Because that conversation obviously wasn’t just about the baby, you dumb dumb.” Maddie cuts me off with a gleeful grin. “I think everything you’re scared of in terms of ‘failing’ with the baby and me, you feel tenfold when it comes to Holly because you’re head over heels in love with her.”
“We’re just…”
I stop dead in my tracks. I can’t finish my sentence because I don’t have any other words to finish it with that aren’t a lie.
“Yes. I’m in love with her,” I say instead, a little dazed. The words sound foreign to my ears, but they sound right.
They fit.
“I knew it!” Maddie cheers.
I’m half-elated, half-terrified. Fully invested. Holly is the love of my life, plain and simple. And I’m going to do everything in my power to show her that, to make sure she knows this truth to her core.
“So what in the hell do I do now?”
“Simple.” My sister gives me a duh look. “You show up for her when it matters most.”
44
HOLLY
The Pinnacle is the same as ever: shiny at first glance, but perfectly worn around the edges when you look closer.
Nothing ever changes here—although, I see we have a new issue of Ducks Unlimited magazine, which I’m sure Raquel is pleased about.
But other than some fresh poultry, it’s the same people, same decor, same old-fashioned analog marketing tactics (we got new printed brochures when I was away, courtesy of Douglas, I imagine), and same horrible boss.
I’m actually stunned that I didn’t see Dylan’s true colors earlier. I can’t believe all the things he just said to Jax about me playing second fiddle to a bunch of trees, or whatever idiotic statement it was.
Jax always puts me first. I see it, and I feel it, with the sort of clarity I never had with Dylan. It’s a feeling I ached to have for so long and never did, whereas Jax has been there for me from day one.
The terrible date at the bar with Keith.
The baby store showdown with Sabrina.