Page 137 of June First

I decline it.

Celeste is leaving for New York this week to live with her aunt, eager to jump-start her dancing career. She wants to be a backup dancer for performers and musicians.

My own legs tickle with the urge to tap and twirl, but I dismiss the sensation.

I’m not sure I want to dance anymore. To dance is to flourish, to release, to thrive—and I’m not that girl anymore. I’m just a poor imitation of her, a gloomy shadow.

I rely on an inhaler and a man I crossed a deadly line with just to breathe. Without either of those things, I would wither away into nothing.

Collapsing onto my unmade bed, I reach for Aggie and pull him to my chest. Tears begin to sprout when the silence settles in, my smile long gone.

I think of Theo. I think of how he’d react to the knowledge that I kissed our beloved brother—that I didn’t just kiss him with innocent lips. I kissed him with clenched thighs, wicked thoughts, and a blazing fire smoldering low in my belly.

Then, I almost kissed him again—last month, before he moved out. I crawled into his bed, vulnerable and desperate for comfort. Any kind of comfort.

My heart raced with turmoil.

My hands roamed with recklessness.

My core ached with…something.

And when he grabbed my hair, pulled my mouth a centimeter from his, and demanded why I’d kissed him, I froze up.

A different need took over—a need to replace the gaping hole in my heart.

I’d already lost Theo. If I kissed Brant again, there would be no going back, no stopping the runaway train, and no pretending there wasn’t a terrible, forbidden spark crackling between us.

I’d lose him, too.

I’d have no brothers left.

My eyes dart around the cluttered bedroom as I suck in a shaky breath, landing on the framed canvas painting on the wall above my dresser. Theo picked it out for me at a flea market two years ago when he went furniture shopping with Brant and Veronica. It’s an abstract painting of a bluebird with rainbow wings taking flight toward a sky made of funny-looking clouds.

He said it reminded him of me.

A soaring bluebird, destined for great heights.

Theo told me on the patio before I left for prom on that god-awful night that he’d be cheering me on, all the way to the top.

But he’s not here. I’ve lost one of my stalwart defenders, and I’ve pushed away the other with a kiss that never should have happened.

A kiss that grew wings.

My cell phone vibrates on the mattress beside me as I slide beneath my comforter and reach for the phone, expecting to see an aggravated text from Celeste. She’s been trying to convince me to join her in New York, to move in with her and her aunt and pursue our dreams together.

Only, my dreams died the day Theo died.

And if I leave Brant behind, far more than just my dreams will die, too.

Swiping open the notification, my belly flutters when a different name flashes on the screen. It’s a message from Brant.

My mouth goes dry.

Brant: I know you’re not okay. I know you were lying, and I know that because I know you better than anyone else in this world. You wear your heart in your eyes, Junebug, and I can see that your heart is torn apart. Mine is, too. Over Theo, over abandoning you, and over what happened between us at the dance. It may have started with a dare, but that’s not where it ended. We both know that, we were both responsible for letting it escalate, and we’ve both thought about doing it again.

A breath catches in my throat as another message comes through.

Brant: I know that scares you. I know you’re afraid and confused, but you don’t have to be. We’re not going to do it again. I’m not going to risk losing the most important thing in my life over a moment of weakness. An indiscretion that, right now, can be filed away as a lapse in judgment. It was just a blip. We’re still the same people. I’m still Brant, and you’re still June.