Page 148 of June First
“Let’s dry off and grab food!” she calls out, dangling a beach towel from each hand.
June nibbles her lip, sending me a quick glance that holds more than it should, then turns to head in the other direction. I can’t help but watch her float away for a beat too long, transfixed by the way she moves, inciting inevitable commentary from Kip.
“How’s that going?” he murmurs around the opening of his beer.
Clearing my throat, I lean back in the lawn chair, twirling my own bottle between my fingers. I glance at him in his white T-shirt and swim trunks, his coppery hair grown out more and highlighted by the late afternoon sunshine. “It’s not going anywhere,” I lie.
It’s gone too far already.
His eyebrow arches with doubt. “You know I’m a cop, right? I can spot deception from a mile away.”
“Nothing’s happened.”
He nods, then takes another sip. “That I believe.”
Sighing, I place my quickly warming beer in my chair’s built-in cup holder, my eyes trailing to June as she wraps a colorful beach towel around her slim waist. She chose the rainbow print. “She moved in with me last week.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah, I’m serious,” I mutter, already knowing what a huge mistake it was. Already knowing that while I’ve been safely wading in the shallow end for the past year, stupidity and weakness pushed me into deep waters, and now I’m flailing. “She wanted a taste of independence, so I offered.”
“Independence. Right.” He ducks his head, lips pursing with thought. “You’re playing with fire, Brant. If you’re looking to get burned, have at it, but those flames are going to spread… You have to be okay with letting the things around you burn, too.”
I swallow. “It’s complicated.”
“Fire is pretty straightforward. You light a match and shit burns down.”
My gaze lingers on June as she wrings more water from her hair, then disappears around the side of the house with Celeste.
He’s right. I know he’s right.
And I’ve tried—I’ve tried—to keep my feelings bottled up, to fight this tooth and nail, to be stronger than whatever this is. I’ve been seeing Dr. Shelby again, my childhood psychologist, hoping for advice. For guidance.
She told me, “Out of sight, out of mind—and if you can’t do that, set your sights on something else.”
I tried that, too.
Hell, June encouraged me to try that…so I did. I kissed Sydney. I kissed Sydney knowing it would likely lead to more, knowing she could be the perfect cure for this disease.
I haven’t been with a woman since that final time with Wendy, on the night she brought my fucked-up feelings into the harsh light of day. I haven’t had sex in years because I’m in love with someone I shouldn’t be in love with. Someone I can’t have.
And that’s not healthy.
June is dating, and I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been tearing me up inside. Every Saturday evening she disappears into the night with some mystery man she won’t tell me about, probably too afraid I’ll track him down and show up at his front door like I did with Wyatt.
Valid.
She’s probably having sex.
She’s probably having wild, raunchy sex with someone who isn’t me, and that thought shouldn’t sicken me the way it does.
Kip interrupts my reeling thoughts, sensing that he touched a nerve. “Hey, wherever you are right now, I didn’t mean to send you there.” He elbows me lightly on the shoulder. “I support you. Both of you. And you can take my unsolicited advice or leave it—you’re both adults—but I just want you to tread carefully, okay?”
I glance at him. “Yeah, I hear you.”
“You’ve lost a lot already, and I’d hate to see you lose even more.”
Theo springs to mind.