Page 165 of June First
I wipe my sticky hands along my denim shorts, sending her a small smile.
I do have big dreams.
I’m just not sure which one is bigger.
After spending the afternoon with Celeste, I made a pit stop over at my parents’ house for dinner, still too on edge to face Brant. It was a nice visit, despite the fact that I literally had to practice every sentence that came out of my mouth in fear of accidentally spewing out “Brant and I had sex!”
I came close to overstaying my welcome, lollygagging until nearly 10:00 p.m. when my father did his dramatic yawn and slapped his knee—a gesture we’ve come to decipher as “I love you but please leave now.”
As I shuffle into the apartment after ten, I notice Brant’s shoes in the entryway, alerting me he’s home from work. My stomach pitches. He’s not in the main living area, so he must be hiding in his bedroom, knowing I’ve gone directly to my own room the last two nights.
But tonight will be different.
Tonight we’re going to talk.
When I’m finished sucking down the contents of a water bottle, I trek the short distance to his closed bedroom door and tap lightly on the frame. I hear him moving around on the other side until his footfalls approach and the door pulls open.
My eyes flare with authentic joy when I see him—from his tired hazel gaze to his mop of dark curls to his plain white shirt and navy athletic shorts. Regardless of our predicament, regardless of the messy web we’ve gotten ourselves stuck in, he’s still Brant.
And I’m still June.
“Hi,” I murmur softly, wringing my hands together. I monitor his expression, studying him for a reaction—hoping I don’t see disappointment or irritation shining back at me. But all I see is that same troubled look I saw on Friday morning, and I have no idea what’s worse. “Are you busy?”
He shakes his head after a long beat. “No. I was about to text you to see where you were… I was getting worried.”
A smile crests. “I had dinner with Mom and Dad. I figured you were working late.”
“I just got home a little while ago.” He leans against the edge of the door, giving me a once-over. “Everything okay?”
“Yes. Mostly.” I’m fidgety and restless as I shift my weight from one leg to the other. “Can I come in?”
He swallows. “Sure.”
Stepping aside, he allows me room to enter, and I send him a grateful nod as I pass through. “I hope I’m not inconveniencing you. I don’t mean to intrude.”
“You never inconvenience me, June.”
I dally nervously near the edge of the bed, sparing it a quick glance that reminds me of the last time I was in it.
Naked. Entangled.
With him.
My smile is strained when I pop my head back up, finding his eyes from a few feet away. He’s searching me for clues. He’s drinking me in as the muted lamplight illuminates my jitters. “I don’t like the way we left things on Friday.”
Brant’s eyes flicker across my face for a moment before he dips his head. “I don’t either.”
“So let’s pick up where we left off.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Sure it is. I’ll go first.” I clear my throat with a dramatic flair. “Hi, Brant. I love you. I think we should be together,” I say, lifting my chin with as much resolve as I can muster. “Your turn.”
He blinks.
His fingers splay at his sides, then ball into fists. Tension ripples off him as he takes a step toward me. “Hi, June,” he says back. “I love you, too. I want nothing more than to be with you, but that’s not possible because we were raised by the same parents and everyone we’ve ever met sees us as siblings. And that kills me. It absolutely guts me. So I’m trying to figure out where to go from here, after succumbing to a weak moment we can’t take back, and it seems like every single scenario I come up with ends with me hurting you. And that kills me, too. I’m trying to figure out which scenario hurts less than all the others, and I haven’t been able to do that yet.”
His eyes are latched on mine as he stops to take a breath, his feet still moving forward. “On top of all that, I can’t stop thinking about that weak moment. I can’t stop replaying every shameful, delicious second of it—the sounds you made, the way you tasted on my tongue, and how it felt being inside you for the very first time.” I remain frozen to the mottled carpeting, my whole body trembling as he inches closer. He’s toe-to-toe with me when he finishes. “It felt like I’d give my dying breath just to have one more weak moment with you.”