Page 81 of XX Love Affair
She confessed that she had a fake ID and had used it to get into elite clubs that allowed her in simply because she was young, hot, and had often been introduced by richer associates who were using her for that same young attractiveness she peddled when out and about. That was where she met Delia, an older woman who was still much younger than Coach Morgan. Delia had been like many of the other sugar mamas (in everything but name) until they slowly realized that they really did get along. Delia treated her like an adult and didn’t belittle her after the confession about Mr. Smith and the subsequent search for her sexual self. Even you did that, Coach. Which was why Helena had been hesitant to share.
But she had to tell somebody. Coach Morgan was convenient, and not a total idiot.
“I messed up, I think.” Helena cupped a mug of coffee as she sagged into the dining chair. Across from her, Brynn Morgan considered the tale she had been told. Helena had mentioned that the reason she never followed up on the job lead was because she won ten grand from a club contest. She didn’t say what kind of contest, but Coach Morgan was smart enough to piece it together. “Could have had a good thing with that woman. When I was with that couple…” Ugh. She hated bringing up Irene and Josh, but they were pertinent to the conversation. “Looking back, I know how bad they were for me. I guess that’s what Delia was talking about when she said I couldn’t know anything yet. But did she have to say it like that? You would have thought I Tonya Hardinged her when it came out I was actually nineteen.”
Like many other Pacific Northwesterners, Coach Morgan got the reference a lot faster than the New Englanders who looked at Helena like she was nuts when she namedropped Tonya Harding. “It was probably a big shock to her. She was already taking a chance on you because you were from a different generation than her. Trust me. I know all about dating someone way younger than me, and your relationship wasn’t as dramatic as mine.”
“But, apparently, it’s a big deal that your girlfriend was over twenty-one.”
“The older you get, the harder it is for you to relate to someone your current age. You start looking at teenagers like they’re kids that need to be protected, not young adults with their own personalities and desires. To be blunt, you’ve done some crazy shit that makes me want to clutch my nonexistent pearls. Because even when I was your age, I absolutely would not have been close to any of that. But I’m not you. We would not have been friends in college. Instead, you have the honor of knowing me as an annoying adult who had authority over you for a few years. Now you’re crashing in my guest room, watering my plants, and eating my raisin cinnamon bagels without permission.”
“That happened one time.”
“What I’m trying to say is that once you get in your late twenties and beyond, you mostly want to date people closer to your age. Or older. It’s hard to take a chance on someone a lot younger, and it ain’t because of how it looks to the world at large. You nineteen-year-olds can be annoying as shit. You think you know everything, you’re invincible, and you have to get a fake ID to buy alcohol. Like, come on. Drinks ain’t that great.”
“It wasn’t about the alcohol. I wanted to get into those spaces, and you had to be twenty-one in America. In Europe or Asia, I went where I pleased with my usual passport.”
“How did that feel? To not have to lie?”
Helena’s shoulders sagged. “Pretty good.”
“You were eighteen when you peaced out and refused to walk.” Brynn referred to the graduation walk to collect her high school diploma. “Right away, you went to LA and started falling into the beds of some of the state’s biggest rich weirdos. They knew exactly how old you were. That’s what they wanted.” She sipped her coffee, eyes still leveled on Helena. “Not your mind. Not your heart. They wouldn’t even know what to do with your soul. They saw an eighteen-year-old they wouldn’t go to jail for sleeping with, and that’s what they took.”
“Why you gotta put it that way?”
“To put it in perspective for this woman you ended up with. Because maybe you did fuck up by lying for so long.”
“Yeah… I thought I was so worldly already.”
“To be fair, you’re worldlier than me, and I’ve been married and divorced.”
“That’s what I mean!” Helena clamped her hand over her hot coffee. “Just because I’m barely twenty doesn’t mean I don’t know a few things! I’ve been treated like a child, like shit, by so many of the people who didn’t mind using me for their own selfish gains. Even if I liked it at the time, I realize now I probably shouldn’t have done that. But I don’t regret it. Is that weird?”
“You sound like you’re confused about the whole thing. Maybe nobody can answer that.”
“Why is it so weird that I know what I want to do with my body?” Helena leaned over the back of the chair, hair in her face and air expressed from her lungs. “Why does it have to be tied to what happened at my old school? Nobody gives a fuck I was having dirty thoughts long before that. I’ve been sexual since I was eight. All that’s happened is people telling me it must have been trauma or something that did it to me. My life was boring.”
“You moved around a lot.”
“Okay, but I’m not traumatized by that. My parents never did anything to me. They weren’t even as strict as other Army parents. Some of my old classmates couldn’t say a contraction without getting chewed out. All my parents cared about was that I learned how to take care of myself. That way I could be left home alone while they worked.”
“Helena…” Rarely did Coach Morgan say her name like that. It was both endearing… and infuriating. As if she knew her so well. “This is going to sound very, very cliché of me. You’re going to hate it. Part of the reason you’ll hate it is because you can’t understand it yet.”
“I already hate it.”
“You’re trying to grow up as quickly as possible. You have been since I’ve known you. You were eerily mature for a girl your age. I don’t mean your worldliness. I mean how you thought about things, how you interacted with adults versus your own peers, and how seriously you took so many things. I don’t think it’s weird that you would also be sexually mature, but I remember what it’s like to be in my late teens and wanting to try new things. For most girls, I think it’s too scary for them to go out there and get what they want. For good reason. There are a lot of predators, as you’ve discovered. Lots of people who want to take advantage of you. And if something bad does happen, what do you do? Who do you trust? It’s easy to get overwhelmed by all of that and simply do nothing. Keep doing what’s safe, like dating boring people or not doing anything at all. That’s what I did.”
“I want…” Helena had to say something, anything, to take her mind off what Brynn said. “I want people to take me seriously, you know? If I say I’m ready for something, I’m ready. There’s not a lot that scares me.”
“What does scare you?”
Helena had to ignore her gut reaction to say something pithy like monsters. No, that’s what a kid would jokingly say. If Helena were to be taken seriously, like she declared she wanted, she had to search deeper within herself for the truth.
“Chasing everyone decent away.” She sighed. “Not having someone who actually loves me for who I am. I don’t care how old they are. If we get along, what does it matter?”
Brynn’s finger rubbed up and down against the handle of her clay mug. “Older women are often looking for someone to settle down with for the long term, even if they say that’s not what they want. It’s appealing at that point in your life. Someone like you comes blazing through, winning sexy contests and lying about her age, and that screams she’s not ready for a committed relationship. Like, it doesn’t matter what you two are actually doing on your dates. You could be the star attraction at an orgy on somebody’s yacht in the Mediterranean…”
“You’re almost close on that one.”