Page 93 of XX Love Affair
“I thought that’s what I wanted…”
Delia wasn’t the one to bridge the gap between them. “You spent a whole year doing that. Did it work?” She softened her voice. “Did you get validation out of it?”
Helena sat back down on the bed. “Would you judge me if I said I did?”
“No.”
Helena was silent.
“Hearing the way you talk about the people you’ve known and the experience you’ve had, I can’t blame anyone for diving headfirst into something that would give them the thrill they’re seeking. There’s a reason so many people believed you when you said you were twenty-one, and it’s not because you look in your twenties. You carry yourself well. You’ve got more genuine confidence than I ever had in my life. You know what you want! There’s nothing wrong with that now like there would be nothing wrong if you changed your mind later.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to say…”
“You’re attracted to people older than you. Have you ever dated someone your age before? Genuinely asking.”
Helena shrugged. “I’ve tried. I just feel like I have nothing in common with them. Even online, all of my female friends are a few years older than me. It’s one reason I’ve been dreading college. What if everyone drives me nuts and I spend more time being annoyed by them than finding anything meaningful? I already don’t want to be there. I feel like I have to go because it’s what the world expects of me.”
“Having a full-ride scholarship is a great opportunity.”
“Ah, man, don’t even start. I’m so tired of hearing how special I am.”
“Did it get better or worse after what happened with your teacher?”
Helena shrugged. “Worse, I guess. It’s like that’s what I became known for. You’re the only one who found out and didn’t treat me with kid gloves.”
“No. I suppose not. My gloves were pretty rough, actually.”
“You still freaked out, though,” Helena pointed out. “When you found out my age.”
“I was shocked, that’s all.”
“And now?”
“I feel like a hypocrite for pushing you away as if it made any difference. You were the same person. I still felt the same way about you.”
“Is it because I lied?”
“I understand why you lied, even if I shouldn’t condone it. But, to be honest, I wouldn’t have dated you if I knew you were nineteen. Is that still hypocritical of me?”
“Don’t think so. Everyone draws the line somewhere, even if it feels arbitrary.”
“Some people say ‘age is just a number,’ but it’s so much more than that. It’s everything that makes you you at the moment. Who I am at thirty is vastly different than who I was at twenty.” Delia finally sat beside Helena, their knees close enough to bump together. “My priorities are different. I’m jaded about some things. I also like to think I’m not as big of a bitch as I used to be. But… some things are the same. I’ve got the same kind of humor. I like the same TV shows. I still love my dad, despite his massive flaws.”
“Maybe I should meet your dad soon,” Helena quipped. “Once I’m in town again.”
“I still love women,” Delia continued. “I really love women who know what they want and aren’t afraid to show me who they are.”
“Does that mean me?”
Delia’s fingers curled around the bed, even the ones that hurt. “You asked me if we were falling in love. I’ve thought a lot about it since that day.”
Helena slumped forward. “Me too.”
“It certainly felt like we were trending in that direction.”
“I think so too, but I’ve never been in love before. Guess that’s one of those reasons you don’t wanna mess with me. I don’t have enough experience with relationships beyond sex.”
“To be fair, I’ve never been in love before either.” It still stung a bit for Delia to admit that. After thirty years, countless girlfriends, and even more hookups… she hadn’t been in love? I know lust like the back of my hand. If I were Christian, I’d be in trouble, because I’m always coveting my neighbor’s wife. She knew none of that was love, though. Not even when she was in a monogamous relationship with someone who sounded great on paper and should have been the kind of woman she fell in love with. It always fizzled out, because Delia Benoist was better suited for sexual affairs, not romantic relationships.