Page 51 of Broken
But I can’t, we haven’t discussed what happens next. I told him that he could stay to see what our life is like, to make sure he wants to be here. He saw us for a weekend, which is only part of our life. The other part is busy with work, games, movies, dinners, and tea parties. Because even though my daughter wants to race bikes, she still loves a good tea party. Especially when I make little lemon cakes. A smile curls on my lips as his hair falls into his face. Carefully I move it out of the way so I can see him again.
“Kitty.” His voice is deeper when he’s been asleep, but it still sends a shiver through my body.
“Hi.” I say, staring at him when he opens his eyes.
He lifts his head to look at the time on his phone. “Why are you awake?” He asks, moving to his side, propping his head up as he blinks away the sleepy and yawns.
“I was thinking.” I say nonchalantly.
“About?”
“Us.” I sit up in the bed and fidget with my fingers, looking down at them. “I don’t know what to do, West.”
The bed moves as he sits up and moves behind me, pulling me against his chest. “Don’t think, just let it develop naturally. If you still feel like I don’t belong here with you, then I’ll find somewhere else to live. I don’t want you to feel pressured.” He kisses the side of my head, “I just want you Kitty, and I know you want me to. I’ll continue to show you that for the rest of my life babe.”
Everything with him has always felt natural, even when he made my life hell, it was natural, he didn’t force the bullying, it just was. The way he felt for me was natural. The way we fit together was natural, even if I made it harder. I was and am the problem, I don’t know how to just let it be. I second guess everything, doubt myself and my worth.
“Do you want me to give you a back rub? Will it help you sleep?” He asks, wrapping his arms around me.
“No, just hold me like this.” I say leaning back against him, feeling the warmth of his skin, I want to cry. I feel the sting in my face, the deep one that tells you that you’re about to cry. It feels different this time, having him here. Before I had so much shit going on in my head, and after everything that happened that year, I used his love for me to make myself feel better.
But I am better now, even if I told him I wasn’t. My fits come so rarely now that I’m basically in control of myself. I have dark thoughts from time to time, but nothing like I used to. When I look in the mirror, I know the person staring back at me.
I’m stronger, more fit for a relationship. “We need to tell McKenna. Even if we are never together, she has a right to know you’re her father.” I sigh.
“We’ll be together, Kitty, I’ll wait for you to come to terms with it. But, there will never be anyone else for us. We are end game.” He pulls me closer, holding me tightly.
I know he’s right, that’s why I couldn’t even accept a date with Kris, he asked several times before I introduced him to Kindra. I have sex, I don’t do feelings. I have repeatedly told myself this, that I’ve come to completely believe it. Feelings make things messy, and someone always walks away. Leaving the other heart broken.
“We should take her to lunch at her favorite place before we drop this bomb on her.” I laugh, “She could eat her weight in pickle fries, and spend every penny I have, if I’d let her.”
“Pickle fries?” West leans over me, as I laugh.
“Like fried pickles, only they’re spears. She freaking loves them.”
“So what does one do there?”
“Bowling, arcade games, food, take your pick.” I push off him and turn around. “You should see her face when she’s there, it’s insane.”
“I can’t wait.”
“She’s so amazing, West, I’m glad you want to be a part of her life, you’re going to love her.” I say, crossing my legs as I start picking at my thumb again. He reaches over and covers my hands, stopping me.
When I look up at him, his brows furrow in worry, “I’m not just here for her Kitty, I keep telling you that.”
“Maybe that’s where we start. You and her, get to know her.” I pull my hands away from him, still unsure of what I should do. My head has been messy since seeing him back home, everything about him and I tells me we’d be okay, but there’s this voice in the back of my head warning me to be careful.
I should definitely set an appointment to talk to my therapist. “Katherine.” My full name always sounds weird on his lips, ever since he started calling me Kitty, I yearn to hear it from him.
“Westley.” I give him his full name back, staring into those dark eyes. It’s early morning, and McKenna won’t be up for a few more hours at least. My head is giving me conflicting options. One, I could have sex, which my hooha would be very happy about. But, then it could give him a false hope that we’re now together. Two, I could kick him to the couch so I can sleep peacefully. But, I’ve never slept better than I do with him right next to me.
Damn brain. Make up your mind.
“You’re thinking too hard about it. Just feel it.” How does he do that? It’s like he can read my mind. “What does your heart tell you to do?”
I don’t let my heart rule me anymore, it’s gotten me into too much trouble already. It trusted Knox and West, and look at what happened to me after them.
“Can you just hold me until we fall back asleep?” I ask.