Page 71 of Passing Notes
He ran his hands into his hair and looked up at me with panicked eyes. “Shit, Nick. What has she told you? Where should I start?”
“Told me what? What are you talking about?”
“The day after y’all graduated. The morning at the bus station.”
Now I was the one to turn pale. I sank back into the couch completely drained as my mind spun, trying to put the pieces together.
He knew about the bus station. He knew about her? How?
What else did he know?
“She’s told me practically nothing,” I told him. “In fact, she goes out of her way not to talk about it. How do you even know about that? What the hell is going on?”
He met my eyes. “Mom found a bunch of notes stuffed in your backpack—love notes and plans to run off together—from Clara to you. I came back for your graduation and to stay for the summer, remember?” I nodded. “When I got home, she was in a rage. She threatened to cut me off, to stop paying my tuition and never speak to me again, if I didn’t give Clara a note saying you were choosing college over her and make her believe it.” His shoulders dropped. “I shouldn’t have done it. In fact, I almost didn’t, but she threatened to do the same to you too. So I gave in.”
“What the fuck? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“She told me to keep quiet and I—with Dad gone, the thought of losing Mom too was—I couldn’t stand the thought of it. I thought I had to hold together what was left of our family. Are you back with her now?”
My head was spinning. “I’m trying to be.”
“Mom’s plan was stupid. I figured the two of you would end up talking, have a laugh, and figure out the note was bullshit. Did you find her and talk?”
“No, I—I should have. But I—it broke my heart when I thought she changed her mind about me. I couldn’t face her.”
“When you didn’t get back with her, I thought you’d be okay. That it wasn’t that serious between the two of you.” He studied my face. “You weren’t okay, were you?”
“No. No, I wasn’t okay. Not at all.” The words left me in a defeated breath.
“We were all so fucked up after Dad died.” He sighed heavily as his voice filled with anguish. “Everything felt like the end of the world, didn’t it? Like nothing good would ever happen again. It was hard to believe in anything.”
“Yeah, she left, and god, it hurt, but it also felt like it was inevitable, like I had been waiting for it to happen the entire time I was with her. I guess that’s why I gave up and let her go. I thought she’d be better off without me always having to keep our relationship hidden from Mom. I felt like I was letting Clara down.”
“I’m so fucking sorry. What can I do? Would it help if I talked to Clara and told her the truth?”
I was angry—no, furious—with my mother. She’d cost me my relationship with the love of my life. But I understood why Sam had done it and reminded myself he was just as much a victim of her in this situation as Clara and I were. Our mother had never been an easy person to deal with, especially not after our dad died. She’d constantly been on the verge of a breakdown, and neither one of us had wanted to upset her.
We’d barely even begun to grieve our father before things began to change, pulling us in opposing directions. Sam had done everything our mother asked of him while I’d fought against it, clinging to the memory of our father and all that he’d taught us growing up.
“No. Now that I know what happened, it explains a lot.” I let out a deep sigh.
“I’m so sorry, Nick. And Mom? What are you going to do?”
“What would be the point of doing anything?” I half yelled, my exasperation flowing through the room. “She only hears what she wants to hear. It kills me to say it, but I don’t know who she is anymore.” My head fell back on my shoulders, and I closed my eyes. “I haven’t since Dad died.”
“She was never the same after, no matter how hard I tried to make it so. I’ve been going along with what she’s wanted for years, Nick. I went to the college she chose, I married who she told me to, took the job with Phil—but nothing is ever good enough for her.” He threw his hands in the air. “I’ve reached my breaking point. She’s never going to change and I’m too exhausted to keep trying to fix our family. I bought a place in town, and I found a new job, one I got on my own.” I’d never heard my brother as contrite as when he said, “I miss my brother, Nick. I was hoping we could get back to how we were before.”
I hated to see him struggling but was glad he’d finally wised up. And I missed him too. “It will be okay, Sam. We can try. You, me, and our kids.”
“You don’t hate me for this?”
“No. I’m not happy about any of it, not at all, but I get it. This is all on her. I wish I could understand where she was coming from, but I don’t think I ever will.”
“You won’t, so don’t even try to figure her out. I’ve stayed close to her all these years, and I still don’t get it. It’s not about Phil, he’s great. She just lost herself after Dad died—lost her way, lost her values, lost her fucking mind? I don’t know. I don’t blame you for cutting her off like you did. I only wish I had done it, too, sooner.”
The distance between me and my mother was never an easy thing to deal with, even though I knew it was for the best. “I didn’t want to.”
“I know that. But you’re arguably better off for it.”