Page 122 of Even Ground
But I don’t want that anymore. I want Pania.
“You scare the hell out of me, so that makes two of us.”
She laughs. “Yeah, but you like the way I scare you. I don’t like the way you scare me.”
“There hasn’t been anyone else.” I search her eyes, but she gives nothing away.
“What do you mean?”
I suck on my bottom lip. “I haven’t thought about anyone else. Not since the night I first kissed you.”
Pania falters, blinking rapidly as she seems to try and maintain eye contact. “I don’t understand.”
I take her hand in mine and give it a gentle squeeze. “Josh and Delaney working out their issues made me rethink my own life. I’ve always been so scared to settle down and try just being with one person.” I swallow hard. “But even though we haven’t been together together, and we’ve been separated by half the planet, you’re my person, Pania.”
She’s so hard to read right now, and her brows twitch as we gaze at each other.
“I’m not really sure what to say.”
“Believe me, I’ve always let myself get lead around by my dick, but not now. Not for the past two years.”
Pania clamps her lips together before dissolving into laughter. “I’m not sure whether that’s a compliment or an insult.”
“Trust me, it’s a compliment. I didn’t fly thousands of miles to get laid. Although, I’m not going to say no.”
Her hazel eyes sparkle with amusement as she grasps my arm. “You’re a shocker.”
“I don’t even know what that means, but what I do know is that I want more with you. Getting to know you these past couple of years has been a huge privilege, and now I want everything.”
I scan her expression. She’s such a beautiful woman, and I don’t think she has any idea just how much. All I know is that she settles me unlike anyone else, and I’ve not had thoughts of spending the rest of my life with another person, or imagined having children with anyone.
I don’t even know if that’s what she wants too.
But I have this image in my head of buying her a house—similar to Josh and Delaney’s, and having our own babies running around.
There’s no way I’m telling her that yet. It’ll just freak her out.
Hell, it freaks me out.
I take a deep breath. “There’s something I want to tell you. Something I’ve never told anyone—not even Josh.”
Her brows knit. “It must be big if you haven’t told him. Are you sure you’re ready to tell me?”
“You’re the only one I can tell. And if we’re going to be together, it’s important you know.”
She bows her head, as if thinking, and then meets my gaze. “You can tell me anything. It’s between you and me.”
I clamp my lips together for a moment, breathing long and deep. “I make up stories about having a family. I’ve been lying for years about them. It’s a miracle no one’s gone digging and found out, but I want you to know my truth.” Dropping my gaze, I turn my head away. “I was four when my parents died. I can’t remember much about them—just little bits and pieces. They left me with my grandmother for the weekend to go to a music festival and never came back.
She gasps and reaches for my hand.
“Some shitty drug dealer sold a bunch of people dodgy tablets. Most of the victims ended up in hospital and recovered, but my parents …” I lick my lips. “I was raised by my grandmother. We moved around a lot, and I don’t even know how I ended up with the accent I have.” I shrug. “She died just before I moved to LA.”
“I’m so sorry,” Pania whispers, tears welling in her eyes.
“Josh is my family. I wanted a fresh start, so I made up the story of a loving home with parents who actually gave a shit. By the time I realised what a good friend he was to me, I didn’t have the heart to tell him I lied.”
Pania leans her head on my shoulder. “I’m glad you had him.”