Page 108 of Left on Read

“No, I didn’t. Noah isn’t my other half. He’s my partner. Relationships aren’t simply finding someone who seamlessly fits into your life. It’s about finding someone you want to create a new life with.”

“I held on to that for so long,” I whispered. “I saw how happy they were. I wanted that. I still want that.”

“I know, and you deserve it. But Dad was wrong. He and Mom were happy because they put the effort into making it work. I remember Dad saying that, about how she fit perfectly into his life, but it never made sense to me,” he mused.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone has their own life and their own experiences. The idea that someone can just fit into your life without it disrupting theirs sounds like a power imbalance and not like a relationship.”

I mulled that over. “I never thought of it that way. But you’re right.”

“It also sets things up so only one person is doing all the compromising, and that’s not a partnership. Mom and Dad treated each other like equals. They both made compromises and never asked more from the other than they were willing to do themselves. That’s why they were so happy. It had nothing to do with them being meant to be and everything with how they treated each other.”

I cleared a lump in my throat, my chest tight as memories from our childhood trickled through my consciousness. Thinking about our parents—and how they used to be—still hurt. I couldn’t wait for the day when I could look back on things and smile at how happy we’d been instead of feeling like I was losing them all over again.

“I know this isn’t what you want to hear.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a one-armed hug. “And we both know this isn’t the right place for this conversation. I just don’t want you to think your feelings and what you want doesn’t matter. That you have to fit into someone else’s life instead of finding common ground and getting back as much as you give.”

I shrugged, not willing to agree with him, even though he was right.

“I like Hayden.” Zane let go of my shoulders and elbowed me gently. “We all do. This isn’t a slight against him or what you have. I just don’t want you to forget that there are two people in this relationship that isn’t a relationship, and you matter as much as he does.”

“Maybe, but what if I say something and it scares him away? How can I drop the L word on him or say I want to change things without losing him?”

“It’s a risk. Telling someone how you feel is always a risk.”

“I don’t think I can do it. I’m in too deep.” I laughed bitterly. “I know you’re right about everything, but even thinking about not having him in my life is too much.”

“You said he’s been through a lot when it comes to dating. Did you ever consider that maybe he’s struggling as much as you are?”

“You think?” I flicked my gaze to my brother. He was as serious as I’d ever seen him.

“It’s possible. You’re both trying to navigate something new, but neither of you is talking to the other about it. Who knows what’s going on in his head, but if he’s as good a guy as your gut is telling you, then maybe your friendship can survive a tough conversation.”

“Ugh.” I pushed my hair back. “I love Nick, but tonight was not the night to start this. I have to go be sexy on a damn mechanical bull in twenty minutes, and my brain is spinning out of control.”

Zane pulled his phone and his earbuds out of his pocket and flipped open the case. I put the left earbud in and held on to the right one.

He tucked the case away and unlocked his phone. A moment later, a metalcore song Noah had gotten me obsessed with began to play. I handed him the other earbud so we could listen together.

“Thanks.” I sat on the ground and leaned against the wall, my knees up and my face tilted toward the sky as a cool breeze moved over my skin.

Zane sank down next to me and mirrored my pose.

My brother always knew what I needed. Maybe he was right, and I should talk to Hayden about this.

Closing my eyes, I focused on the music and pushed every other thought from my mind. I had to get ready for my last set and the surprise I’d set up.

I could worry about talking later once I’d had a chance to process everything and figure out what the hell I was going to do.

18

HAYDEN

“Is that a mechanical bull?” Noah leaned forward as two guys dressed in all black carried what looked like a mechanical bull onto the stage.

“I think so. I’ve never seen one in real life.”

“I have, once. I’m not sure they thought this one through.”