Page 49 of Left on Read

I thought the day had gone great. We had fun at the bookstore, and he enjoyed the cat café. Everything had been fine until we’d gotten back to his house, and he invited me in.

That had been an hour ago, and we just finished watching the second comedy special.

Hayden was good at hiding how he was feeling, but he couldn’t hide that something was wrong.

I might be oblivious to social cues and have a knack for reading the room wrong, but that was with people I didn’t know. Once I spent enough time with someone and picked up on their habits, it wasn’t hard for me to read them.

Something was wrong. I’d tried to keep things light and fun, especially since we’d come back to his place, but it wasn’t working.

“Yeah, fine,” he said quickly, fiddling with the strings on his hoodie. “That was good.”

“It was.” I leaned back against the couch.

He’d barely laughed during the special, but I doubted it had anything to do with him not finding the comedian funny. Every time I snuck a look at him, he had that thousand-mile stare I knew too well. The disassociating stare.

“Should I go?” I asked hesitantly. Was I the reason he was out of sorts? Had I done something wrong? Was he trying to find a polite way to say I’d overstayed my welcome?

“No. Or maybe yes?” He sighed and dropped his forehead into his hands. “Ignore me. I’m being weird.”

“Not weird.” I turned so I was angled toward him and could see him better. “But something’s wrong.”

“Not wrong exactly.”

“I know talking about things is hard. Especially if it’s something that makes you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable,” I said softly. “But you can tell me. I won’t judge or blame you for your feelings if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“I’m not. I know you’re not like that. I just don’t know how to do this.” He huffed out a laugh and lifted his head. “I know I said I was looking for a friend with benefits, but I’ve never had one. I have no idea what’s normal or how to act right now.”

“I think normal is relative,” I said slowly, choosing my words carefully. “Everyone has their own rules or boundaries. No two arrangements are the same. At least not in my experience.”

“You’ve done this a lot?” He yanked on the string of his hoodie so hard the hood pulled tight around the back of his neck.

“Not really a lot, but I’ve done this kind of thing before.”

“Yeah, of course you have.” He smiled wryly. “Feel free to bail any time. You didn’t sign up to deal with my issues.”

“I kinda did.” I clasped my hands together so I didn’t touch him. I wanted to offer some sort of comfort but wasn’t sure this was the right moment. “I think we need to have a talk and lay things out so we know where we stand with each other.”

“You do?” He flicked his gaze to mine.

I nodded.

He sighed and fixed his hood so it lay flat against his back again.

“A lot of people in these kinds of arrangements put the emphasis on the benefits part. Like, they hang out, but it’s just an excuse to get their freaks on. And there’s nothing wrong with that if both people are on the same page,” I added quickly.

He opened his mouth but closed it again without saying anything.

“I can do that if that’s what you want, but for me, it’s the friends part that’s important.”

“How many of these arrangements have you had?”

I sighed and dropped my gaze. I wanted to be honest with him, but it was hard to admit how stupid I was when it came to people. “More than I wanted to.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was really naïve when I first started dating. I thought everyone worked the same way. First you get to know each other, then you go on dates and maybe mess around if you feel a spark. Then you become a couple if you like each other. I didn’t realize that most of the people I thought I was dating were only using me for sex or as entertainment while they looked for their forever person.

“I’ve been on a lot of first dates, like a lot, but that’s usually where things end. I either end up being used as a backup in case the other guys they’re talking to don’t work out, or I get ghosted. I joke with my friends that I’m the king of being left on read, and that doesn’t even include the times I’ve been stood up.