Page 51 of Left on Read
“Yeah. Is that a problem?”
“No!” He shot me an apologetic look. “I just wasn’t expecting that. I’ve never known anyone who does porn—or knows someone in porn.” He paused. “Would I have seen him in anything?”
I chuckled. “Maybe his solo stuff. He did straight porn.”
“Oh, yeah. Not really my thing.” He grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to make it sound like there was something wrong with your friend’s job. I believe that sex work is work, but it was always more of an existential belief because before you, I never knew anyone who actually worked in the sex industry.”
“I get it. It’s kinda like when people hear I strip. It’s normal for me because that’s my reality, but it’s not most people’s. But like I was saying, my buddy told me about how he and his scene partners always talked things out before they filmed, and he said something that really made me think.”
“What’s that?”
“That we’re kind of conditioned to think we know what our partners want because sex is supposed to be this instinctive thing that most people enjoy or want to do, so we don’t ask or talk about sex before we have it because it somehow ruins the magic or kills the mood. He also pointed out that finding out if you have compatible wants or kinks before you get jiggy with it?—”
“Get jiggy with it?” Hayden’s lips tilted up in a smile.
“I think it’s from an old song? My friend Nick says it all the time.”
“It’s a colorful analogy. But continue. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“It’s fine. I say random stuff. It’s how my brain works. But like Quinn said, it’s good to figure out if you’re sexually compatible with someone before you get with them. Attraction doesn’t mean you’ll work in bed, and I’ve heard some horror stories from my female friends about guys assuming they’d be into something and pulling out hardcore BDSM moves with zero conversation.”
Hayden made a weird sound, like a snort mixed with a cough.
I paused to give him a chance to say something. I was doing that thing where I took over conversations again.
When he didn’t elaborate, I continued. Hopefully I didn’t sound like a moron—or a creep.
“It just made sense to me, you know? Like, if I’m going to be with someone, then I want us both to enjoy it. How can that happen if I’m only thinking about my wants or needs and have no idea if they mesh with what my partner wants or needs?”
“That’s a good point.” He started fiddling with his hoodie strings again.
Gently, I tugged his hands away and held them loosely, giving him a chance to shake me off if he wanted.
He didn’t.
“I dated this guy…well, dated isn’t really the right word.” He stared at our hands. “We went out for a few weeks, but only when it was convenient for him. One night, he asked me if I liked it rough. I said a bit, but before I could tell him what I liked or what I meant, he grabbed my hair and yanked my head down and tried to force me to blow him. It hurt, and that wasn’t what I meant, but he got pissed at me when I told him to stop. Said I should have expected it since I’d told him to be rough and that I was a cock tease.”
“Did he stop?” I asked sharply.
“Yeah. He stormed out and blocked me.”
The anger that had bubbled up in my chest settled.
“There’s been a few other times when talking about things would have been helpful,” he mused. “It is weird that no one talks about it beforehand.”
“We are.” I grinned, hoping to lighten the mood. Something told me that incident wasn’t Hayden’s only negative experience with sex, but this wasn’t the time to talk about old traumas unless he brought them up.
“We are.” Hayden chuckled, his cheeks pink and his eyes bright.
Jesus, he was radiant when he smiled like that.
“I don’t know how to ask this without sounding like a total baby bi, but do you have a preference?” I asked. “Topping, bottoming…”
“Bottom.” He licked his lips. “Which works out since you’re a top?”
“I’m not sure what I am. Topping sounds super fun, but so does bottoming.”
“Really?”