Page 9 of Left on Read
“You mean reclusive?”
“No, I mean hermity. You go to work, you come home, and you ignore everything and everyone else. You only do this when things are bad. Are things bad?”
“Sometimes it’s annoying that you know me so well.”
“Stop deflecting. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“It’s all I have,” I said honestly. “I’m just…tired. Things are supposed to get easier as you get older, but I swear things are getting worse every damn day. It’s like you can do everything right, do everything you’re supposed to, and you still don’t end up ahead.”
“Yeah,” Ryan said softly. “I feel ya on that one. Why do you think I go to the bar and spend money I don’t have on beer and nachos and hang out with people like Johnny?”
“Because you’re trying to find even just a single moment of happiness in our otherwise miserable existences?”
“Pretty much.”
We signed in unison.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked again.
“I’m sure. Like I said, just tired.”
“You know, you weren’t wrong when you said that maybe it’s time to stop looking for forever and find right now,” he said gently.
“I said that?”
“Yeah. Last weekend when you were drunk off your ass and telling my broom that men are trash, and you were done with all of them.”
“Oh, right. But in my defense, I just got stood up on the first date someone has asked me to go on in over a year. That wasn’t a good night.”
“Good for me because you’re hilarious when you drink, but maybe it’s time to try something different.”
The timer on my oven beeped. I flipped the call back to speakerphone and went to turn it off.
“Different how? That word can mean a lot of things.” I slipped on a pair of oven mitts and pulled open the oven door.
“Like try a new app and look for something casual or even just a one-night thing. See if that helps break the cycle of disappointment.”
I knew Ryan was trying to help, so I tried not to let his words affect me too much.
What he called my cycle of disappointment was what I called my dating life. He wasn’t wrong; I was constantly trapped in a loop of being disappointed and let down any time I tried to connect with someone, but unlike Ryan, I had a hard time brushing it off when I was rejected.
“Maybe.” Using my hip to close the oven door, I put the small container on a trivet and shook off my oven mitts. “But after I finish grading.”
“Of course.” He sighed heavily. “You sure I can’t convince you to come out?”
“Not tonight. It was a long week and a really long and loud day. I need to decompress.”
“Okay. I get that.”
“Have fun.”
“You too.”
Ryan ended the call. I tucked my phone into my hoodie pocket and scooped the chicken casserole I’d heated up into a bowl. Bringing it, some cutlery, and a glass of water to the table, I settled on one of the chairs and took a bite of my dinner.