Page 54 of Dad Next Door
“I’m glad you get it, because I barely do.” He shot me a wry smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “The few times I’ve felt genuine attraction to someone was after being friends with them. That’s how all my relationships evolved, from friends to more. All three of them.” This time, his laugh was self-deprecating.
Quinn hadn’t told me much about his dating life, only that he hadn’t had a serious relationship since before he started filming porn.
“I’ve always just accepted that there was something wrong with me. That I’m wired differently. I can have sex with people I’m not attracted to because I’m playing a character. But in my real life, I hardly ever feel any sort of arousal or attraction to anyone. I haven’t even had sex since my last scene. You’re literally the only person who’s gotten my dick up in three years.”
My jaw dropped as I gaped at him.
“And what’s freaking me out isn’t that we kissed or that I liked it, it’s how I’m pretty sure the attraction I’m feeling was always there. That’s what’s messing with me. I have no idea if I willfully ignored how I felt or if I really couldn’t see that it was there. And I have that added bonus of trying to figure out if being a chameleon and never truly allowing myself to drop my guard is the reason I’m twenty-eight and just now realizing I’m not just demi, but bi.”
“I can’t really understand what you’re going through,” I said softly. “But I kind of understand what you mean about the chameleon thing and wondering if it’s why you’re only now figuring out who you are.”
His gaze went hopeful.
“I kind of lost myself when I was in college. I never really felt like I fit in with anyone growing up. Part of it was having to hide my sexuality, and part of it was just being that weird kid no one really knew what to do with. I knew I was only attracted to people who identified as male in middle school, but that was twenty-five years ago, and coming out wasn’t an option. So I kind of bounced around from friend group to friend group and fell into whatever role they wanted me to be. I was a science nerd, the class clown, a four-season athlete, and the quirky, artsy kid. But I’m not an actor, so I was never able to keep up the pretenses, and I lost a lot of friends when the facade cracked and bits of my real personality came through.
“It’s one of the reasons Simon was able to trap me. He was one of the only people in years who didn’t drop me when I stopped holding back. That’s the thing about us weirdos. People like us in theory, but not so much when we act like weirdos and do weirdo stuff.”
“Yeah. I hear you on that. Team weirdo all the way over here.”
“It sounds like the same thing happened to you,” I continued. “You spent so long being rejected for who you are that you slipped into these personas to protect yourself.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much what happened.” He undid the top two buttons on his shirt. “It helps knowing you went through something similar. I’ve spent so much time trying to unravel all these personas to figure out who I truly am, and just when I think I have a handle on it, I end up having a bi—or is it a demi? Whatever it is—awakening in the middle of a crowded dance floor at a fancy wedding.” He huffed out a laugh. “And now I’m babbling incoherently and trauma dumping about all sorts of stuff that has nothing to do with what happened when I’m sure you’re just as confused about everything as I am.”
“You’re fine, Quinn. You know how you always tell me I’m safe with you when I have my incoherent babbles?”
He nodded, his expression seeking and so damn needy.
“You’re safe with me too. I’m your friend, first and foremost. You never have to hold back or censor yourself around me. Okay?”
He nodded again, his entire body relaxing at my words.
“And it’s normal to freak about a sudden shift in your sexuality. Or at least your understanding of it.”
“But that’s not freaking me out. Not even a little bit. It’s everything else that comes with the big awakening. And I have no idea what to do about it.”
“You don’t have to do anything about it. Not if you don’t want to.”
“And if I want to?” He held my gaze.
“You do?”
He nodded. “What do you want?”
I paused, not quite sure what he meant by that.
“I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” He rubbed his hand through his hair tiredly. “And neither of us is looking for anything, but I don’t know if I can just put these feelings away now that I know what they are. And I have no idea where your head is at or what you’re thinking, so all my turmoil could be for nothing.” He chuckled, but it was the same one he used when he pretended he was fine.
“I’m not sure where my head is at,” I said honestly. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to you too. That I haven’t been attracted to you this whole time. But I also value your friendship and care about you as a person. And things are complicated.” I sighed and leaned back against the couch. “I’m newly divorced, I’m still a mess from all the shit my ex put me through, and I have a son who will always be my first priority.”
“Yeah. I was thinking about that too.” He nodded slowly, his eyes sad. “Another gift of ADHD and always having multiple streams of thought going through my head at any given moment. Your life is way more complicated than mine. And you have to factor in my past when you’re figuring stuff out, so that just makes it even more complicated.”
“Your past isn’t an issue. I don’t care about that.”
“Really?” He blinked like a confused owl. “How can it not bother you?”
“Because it’s in the past, and it has nothing to do with me?” I shrugged. “I’m an elder millennial. I’m so used to being blamed for everything. I don’t have the time or the energy to worry about stuff like that.”
His expression shifted back to that seeking, needy one. He’d dropped enough comments over the past few months that I knew his time in porn, and even his current solo work, had caused a lot of issues for him when it came to any sort of interpersonal relationship. I needed him to understand that it wasn’t and would never be a problem for me.