Page 34 of Commit
I turn my head to him. “Did you think that I wouldn’t miss you?”
“I don’t know.” His gaze finally shifts to mine. “I don’t know what happened between us. I assumed you didn’t have feelings for me anymore.”
It’s not fair the way I left things with Matt. He deserves an explanation, but it’s hard for me. How do I come out and say, I’m not good enough for you, and eventually, you would have realized it too and left me? It’s been the theme of my whole life. I wasn’t good enough for my dad—he took off even before I was born. I wasn’t good enough for my mom. I’m certainly not good enough for Matt and his perfect life plan.
But maybe now I can find some of the words.
“Of course I still have feelings for you. I just realized, when we went to Tampa for your mom’s funeral, that we’re not as compatible as I thought.”
He laughs again. “You don’t think we’re compatible?”
That was his same response when I told him I wasn’t attracted to him. I know why he’s laughing. Matt and I are more compatible than tongue-and-groove flooring. We fit together seamlessly with little effort. He opens my heart up, and I open his life up.
“Okay, maybe compatible isn’t the right word.” I sigh. “I think our vision of the future isn’t the same.”
His brows raise. “You don’t want to stay in Houston, get married, have children, and live happily ever after for the rest of your life?”
“What does happily ever after even mean? People just throw that phrase out there as if it’s an actual thing, but it’s not.”
“Sure it is.”
“It’s a real thing in your life,” I say. “Not everyone has had the luxury of experiencing it.”
Matt came home from school to freshly baked cinnamon rolls with his mom eager to ask how his day was. His parents went out on weekly date nights. They had family vacations and holiday traditions. He has four scrapbooks of his childhood from age zero to eighteen. FOUR. I have four pictures total of my childhood. I wouldn’t even know where to begin to create that kind of life. I can’t be the wife and mother he’s used to…that he wants.
It’s not fair of me to ask Matt to change his dreams just because I have issues. I love him. I want him to get the perfect future he hopes for to go along with his perfect childhood. So, I’m saving us both years of frustration and disappointment. I’m saving him from having to break my heart later on when he finally realizes it too. And I’m saving myself from the heartache of him leaving me. Because eventually, he would.
And it wouldn’t have been the first time he left a woman because she didn’t fit into his future the way he’d hoped.
CHAPTER 20
REMI
A YEAR AND A HALF AGO
“Exfoliating your skin before you apply a moisturizer is always the best practice,” the salesman says as he shakes the lotion bottle.
This is all Matt’s fault. He made eye contact with the mall kiosk person. Everyone knows you never make eye contact with them. You keep moving. You don’t pause. If you stop or even hesitate, you won’t pass Go. You will go directly to the kiosk jail. And that’s precisely where I’m at right now.
“Hold out your hand,” the salesman says.
I glare at Matt.
That’s another rule. Absolutely, under no circumstances, let them get the product in your hand.
Matt smiles. “Oh, come on. Hold out your hand.”
I purse my lips together and flip over my palm.
“You’re going to love this moisturizer,” the man says as he pours a dime-size sample onto my skin. “It’s one hundred percent natural, not greasy, and will help you feel hydrated.”
“Does it cure cancer, too?” I mumble as I rub the lotion into my forearm.
“Matt? Is that you?”
“Brittney?”
I turn around just as Matt hugs a tall, thin blonde. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”