Page 40 of Commit
The fear just builds inside me until I get so anxious that I sabotage every relationship going well in my life. It’s a wonder that Jana and Chelsea have stuck around all these years.
How many times am I going to let this happen? Am I going to be fifty, breaking up for the twentieth time since Matt? By those calculations, I’d go through twenty guys in twenty-three years. Apparently, I’m a tramp in my visions of the future, so I have that to look forward to.
Unless…
I look at Matt ahead of me. Actually, I look at how his back muscles bend and curve as he pushes his board forward.
I shake my head.
Stay present, Rem.
Let’s do a mental checklist of the things that are important to me.
Am I attracted to him? Yes. (Ignore anything I said earlier. I was lying.)
Do I feel emotionally and mentally connected to him? Yes.
Is he driven and intelligent? Double yes.
Is he kind? Yes. Sigh.
Would he be a good dad? So good.
Does he love and treat me well? Yes.
Does he make me happy? Yes.
I’m the dumbest girl in the world. If I were a character in a movie, viewers would want to take me by the neck and wring the stupidity out of me.
I push my paddle into the water, trying to get to where Matt is.
“On our tour today, you might be able to see some of the sea life that thrives in this area.” The guide lady is still zeroing in on me. Do I have a snorkel attached to my face that I don’t know about? Surely, I would know, but her unwavering attention has me doubting. “If you look down, you might be able to see nurse sharks or even manatees.”
“Sharks?” Lissy whines from the back.
“Don’t worry. Both animals are very docile, especially the manatees. They might look big and scary, but they are calm and peaceful animals that love human interaction. Sea cows, as they’re nicknamed.”
My board knocks into Dalton’s, sending him off course.
“Sorry,” I say as I pass.
“Where are you going, Remi?” Jana asks from the back.
I shake my head, calling over my shoulder. “Uh, nowhere. I just really love manatees and wanted to get to the front to see better.”
“You love manatees?” I hear Jana question.
I’m not even sure what a stupid manatee is.
My board skids against the side of Matt’s.
“Hey!” I infuse my voice with cheerfulness. The animation is supposed to show him that we’re cool, that I’m normal now, so stop ignoring me. I guess it doesn’t work, because all he does is flip me a head nod.
It’s fine. I can be charming.
“Manatees,” I say. “Isn’t that the stingray thing that killed the Crocodile Hunter?”
Matt keeps his focus straight ahead. “You’re thinking of a manta ray.”