Page 60 of Blood on the Tide

“I understand it. I just don’t agree.” I scrub my hands over my face. This is a fucking mess. If I was back home, I could at least call on an ally or two to weigh the scales in our favor. But here, my only allies exist on the Audacity, and according to Siobhan, that ship is too far away to be of assistance.

“You don’t have to do this,” Maeve says softly. “I know this isn’t your fight.”

If she keeps saying things like that, I might scream. It’s not my fight, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m invested despite myself. Not because I believe in the rebellion, though even I can see that the Cwn Annwn are a detriment to this realm. If I was stuck in Threshold without Maeve at my side, I would content myself with hunting them quietly in ways that can’t be traced back to me. I wouldn’t start a fucking rebellion.

But Maeve’s already in this up to her neck—which means I am, too. The thought makes me dizzy. The realization of just how much I care for her washes over me. Not care. This sickness inside me, this feeling that’s both giddiness and dread, can only be one thing: love. What a fucking disaster.

“Fine. We’re doing this. We’ll meet up with Siobhan tomorrow and go over the details one last time, and then we’ll attack as they make anchor in the bay. Satisfied?”

Maeve looks anything but. She stares at me with confusion in her inky eyes. “I don’t understand you sometimes. Why put yourself at risk for something you don’t believe in?”

I could lie and tell her the only reason I’m agreeing to a plan that’s just this side of suicidal is because I want my family heirlooms back. It’s not the truth. It hasn’t been the truth for some time now. And it feels wrong to lie to her.

It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.

I drag in a breath. “I’m not going to let you get yourself killed in service of some cause. Rebellions tend to value the benefit of the many over the survival of the individual. They love a fucking martyr.” Even saying the words makes my chest go tight. “It’s incredibly incentivizing. A name to scream as they charge into battle, wasting their lives just like the martyrs do. Well, fuck that. You aren’t going to be a martyr. I won’t allow it. You’re going to live a long, happy life, godsdamn it. If I have to kill every single threat that comes into your sphere, then so be it. But I will see it happen.”

Maeve’s lips part, her rosebud mouth forming a perfect O. She blinks rapidly. I’m horrified to see her eyes go damp with unshed tears. “I care about you too, Lizzie. A lot,” she whispers. She gives herself a little shake and eases back. “I don’t want to become a martyr. I promise I won’t take any unnecessary risks during this process.”

I don’t believe her for a moment. This is the woman who battled a water horse to save me. A creature that, by all rights, should have ripped her to pieces. But she didn’t care. All she was thinking about was keeping me alive—not of the risk to herself.

That’s exactly what she’ll do when the ship comes. She’ll dive into the fight without worrying about watching her back. She’ll rip herself to pieces as long as the Crimson Hag goes down.

“I’ll be there to ensure you don’t.” I close the new distance between us and cup her face with my hands. “No one will touch you, Maeve. I swear it.”

“Lizzie.” She gives a laugh that almost sounds like a sob. “You’re terrified of the water. I can’t ask you to be in the depths with me.”

Her speaking my deepest shame almost unravels me. It’s something I’ve tried very hard to cover up, to shield, to pretend doesn’t exist. But it’s the truth. I am afraid of the depths. It’s impossible to be an apex predator when at such a disadvantage. “It doesn’t matter. A promise is a promise, and I promise to keep you alive.”

Her bottom lip quivers the tiniest bit before she makes a visible effort to still it. “I don’t think I want to talk about this anymore.” She sets her hands on my hips, her fingers pulsing. “I just want you. The risk and danger and everything will be waiting for us in the morning, but tonight, all I want is you.”

She’s all I want, too. Not for a single night. Not for a series of hours that will have no chance of sustaining me. I want her forever. But now isn’t the time to say as much. It feels too much like confessing your love before riding off to die in battle. It’s not my style.

So instead, I start backing her toward the bed. “You have me, Maeve. I’m right here. Take me.”

chapter 31

Maeve

Someday, somehow, I desperately want Lizzie in a bed that’s ours. Not a couch or mattress or bathtub belonging to someone else. It’s a fool’s desire. No matter what her words seem to indicate, she’s still leaving. She’s always been leaving.

But not tonight.

I press her down to the bed, thankful that it’s actually a decent size. It’s soft and fluffy, and Lizzie bounces a little on the mattress. Her expression is as open as I’ve ever seen it, and the naked longing written over her features makes my heart beat faster. I care about her so much. I love her, though admitting as much aloud would make me a fool in the worst way.

So I don’t.

I kiss her, filling each touch, each taste, with all the things I don’t dare put into words. The thought of attacking a Cwn Annwn ship openly fills me with the kind of fear I don’t know how to combat. There will be no going back. If someone on the crew sees me, recognizes me, then my life as I know it is over. I can’t go home. To do so would put my family in danger.

It might not matter. Being related to me is enough to condemn them, though if the Cwn Annwn try to take them, they’ll have the entire island up in arms. If I don’t go home, if they investigate my mother and grandmother and find out—truthfully—that they have nothing to do with any rebellion, it might be enough to leave them be.

As long as I never go home again.

“Maeve.” Lizzie cups my face, her eyes worried. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t know.” Perhaps I should lie, should keep this moment of unspoken feelings going. “So much is changing. The risks are so intense, the consequences for failure even more so. I believe in what the rebellion is doing, and I’m willing to sacrifice it all for the cause, but...”

Understanding dawns. “Your family.”