Page 34 of Wrapped in Hope

“Please don’t do that. You’ll thank me one day for not going through with this. You’re so fucking beautiful, and good. You deserve to be with someone who can give you all of themselves and that’s not me. I’m still married, and as much as I want to, I can’t leave her while she’s hurting like this. I’ve tried to walk away from her so many goddamn times, but she keeps pulling me back in, refusing to let go. You deserve more than I can offer you, and it wouldn’t be fair to take from you when I have nothing to give back.”

Her dark eyes meet mine, they’re full of sadness and pain and it fucking kills me that I caused this. “I know it’s wrong. I know I should stay away from you, but I find myself wanting to be near you in hopes your arm brushes against mine just so I can feel the reactions you cause in me. Do you feel it? Please tell me I’m not imagining it.” She looks so alone and insecure in this moment, leaning against a tree like she can’t bear to stand on her own without my support.

I take a deep breath, almost afraid to admit it out loud. “I do feel it, and I want it. I want nothing more than to fuck you anyway I can get you.” I look at my feet. “But I won’t allow it.”

We’re quiet for several long minutes, not knowing where to go from here. I hold out my hand and she takes it so I can lead her back down the trail.

“Are you still going to give me a ride on your bike?” I can hear the humor in her voice.

I turn and look over my shoulder at her. “If it keeps you off of one of those damn racing bikes, I will.”

I hear her giggle behind me.

* * *

I pullup to her building just as the sun is beginning to set. She looks over at me nervously. “Am I going to see you again?”

I take a deep breath, running my hand through my hair. “I don’t know, Hope. I think maybe we need to put a little distance between us. Let whatever this is fade away.”

“What about my bike ride?”

I look over at her to see something burning behind her eyes. She’s not going to let this go.

I laugh. “I don’t know. We’ll see.”

The amusement fades from her face now. Without a word, she opens the door and steps out.

“Whatever this thing is between us, I don’t think it’s just going to fade away. It feels bigger than that.” She closes the door and walks inside.

I take a deep breath before driving on. She’s right. It does feel big. Like two worlds just crashed into one another, left with no choice but to coexist. But if I can manage to stay away from her, I won’t have a chance to touch her. I won’t ruin her life. I can only imagine her telling her parents how she’s fucking a guy the same age as her father. As if that wouldn’t horrify them enough, it’s also the guy that raised her dead ex-boyfriend. The guy that would drop them off at the movies together, that spent summer days at their house for cookouts and pool parties. They’ll think I’m some kind of pervert. I mean, who wouldn’t?

Back then, I never even looked at Hope with any underlined feelings, not until she started turning into a woman anyway. And even then it was nothing more than a faithful married man looking at a beautiful woman. I had thoughts, but never really considered them. She was my son’s friend turned girlfriend. She was the young daughter of a buddy of mine. She was just the girl next door. I don’t know how all of that has changed, but it has. She’s grown and turned into a beautiful woman. I’d be out of my mind not to notice that. Most men my age would say I’m a dumbass for not hooking up with a woman half my age, until they learned of the situation anyway.

I have to keep my distance. For myself as well as for her. I have Jane to think about. She needs to get better so we can end this thing we call a marriage. I loved that woman for twenty years, but the last five years in hell did me in. I’m no longer in love with her and I don’t think she can even feel an emotion as strong as love. She feels nothing but depression.

I think over everything as I drive home. Wishing there was a way this could work out for all of us, but in every vision of the future I have, someone ends up hurt: Jane gets hurt when she finds out her husband fell in love with the girl next door that used to be, or maybe still is in some ways, in love with her dead son. Hope gets hurt because I allow this to go on until she falls in love with me and it ends. Or, I end up hurt when her parents find out what we’re doing and threaten to disown her, because I won’t let her choose me over them.

I shake the thoughts of my doomed future from my head as I pull into the drive.