Page 39 of Wrapped in Hope
“Holden?”
“Yeah?” he answers from beside me.
“Jane.”
I feel his chest rise from the deep breath he’s taking. “I know.”
“What’s going to happen?”
He shakes his head and raises his hand to rub his eyes. “I don’t know anymore, Hope.”
I put my hand under my head to elevate it enough to see him in the darkness. “I don’t want to lose you. I understand the position you’re in.”
He rolls to his side, pushing me over to my back so he can look down on me while his hand cups my face. “I’m married, but I’m not in love with her and she’s not in love with me. I told her I wanted a divorce two years ago, but she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants me to suffer right along with her.”
“But you just cheated on her.” Even saying the words makes me feel sick. I’m a home wrecker. I guess in more ways than one.
How could I allow this to happen? I’ve never been one to cheat. Never even thought about it. I didn’t think that I would be the other woman, the person to destroy a marriage. But I am. I ruined their marriage when Dean died, and now I’m wrecking it again by sleeping with Holden while his wife is in the hospital. The self-loathing is overwhelming. I feel like everything I do is wrong. Like I’m on a path that I can’t find my way off of.
“We have an open marriage.” He kisses the corner of my mouth. “She doesn’t want me, but she’s afraid of letting me go.” He lands a kiss to my jaw. “I can’t sit back and watch her kill herself. I’ve watched it for too long already.” His lips trail down my neck, causing a shiver to crawl up my spine.
He rolls over to settle between my legs. “You’re so fucking perfect, Hope. I want you with everything I am, but I can’t help but to feel like I’m stealing you. Like I’m lying and cheating and doing everything that I shouldn’t to have you. You’re not mine, but I’ve taken you anyway.”
I place my hand on his jaw and tilt his head back so I can see the shadow of his face. “You didn’t take me. I came to you willingly.”
He lays his head on my chest as I tangle my fingers into his hair. “This never should have happened. We both know that, no matter how right it feels. But damnit, I want you regardless.” He lifts his head and presses his lips to mine. It stirs my emotions more than they already are.
We make love several more times throughout the night. We’re not able to get enough of the other. That, or we’re both afraid that if we stop, we won’t ever get it again. If I allow myself to think of Dean, who knows what kind of emotions I have waiting for me. So I don’t think of anything but Holden and the ways he touches me.
In the morning, I wake with him standing in the middle of the room, pulling his clothes on. He pauses when he sees my eyes open. “Hey, I was trying not to wake you.” I see shame written on his face. Is it because he was trying to sneak out, or is it leftover guilt from the mind blowing sex we had all night long?
I don’t think about it as I sit up, allowing the blanket to fall from my naked chest. “Are you leaving?”
He pulls his leather jacket on and sits on the edge of the bed at my side to pull on his boots. “I have to go back to the hospital and see what’s going on with Jane.”
My heart fills with fear. “Are you going to tell her about us?”
His eyes fall to the floor. “I haven’t decided yet. I feel like if I don’t, I’m hiding it. But I don’t want to tell her anything that could make things worse for her right now. She’s given me her permission to see other people, but I can’t keep living like this. What she’s done, it’s the last straw. A divorce is coming and it has nothing to do with you. I just need to figure out when would be a good time to tell her.”
I completely understand what he’s saying. He doesn’t want to hide me from Jane, but he can’t tell her anything that could possibly make her hurt herself again. She’s not in a good place right now.
I look up at him from beneath my lashes. “When will I see you again?”
He takes my hand in his, his thumb lightly rubs circles on my skin. “I don’t know, Hope. I think we both need to take some time to think about what we’re doing here, who we could hurt.”
Here it comes. He’s feeling guilty, maybe even ashamed of what we’ve done. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I hold them back.
“Hope, please understand. I want you, I do. But we can’t just jump into this. We need to take our time and sort things out. I mean, have you even thought about telling your parents what we’re doing? Do you think they will understand?”
I look up at his eyes. “I haven’t thought of anything other than the way you make me feel. Everything else be damned. Don’t we deserve to be happy?”
He lifts my hand and places a kiss to my wrist. “We do, but we need to think about this. I mean, I don’t know about you, but this whole thing is fucking up my head. I’ve known you since you were a little kid. When I think of it like that, I feel fucking sick. You were going to marry my son. It’s just wrong. Nobody will understand.” He drops my hand and stands, moving toward the door.
“I don’t care if anyone understands,” I say with his hand on the knob, knowing he’s about to walk out. I don’t know when he will walk back in again and that scares me.
He pauses and looks at the floor. “I’ve got too much going on right now. My wife is in the hospital after she attempted suicide, I need to concentrate on that right now. I need to make sure she will be okay. I need to make sure she gets the help she needs so we can both move on. You’re not a child anymore, Hope. Please understand that this is about more than just us.” He opens the door and walks through it, leaving me alone.
I’ve never felt so alone.