Page 69 of Wrapped in Hope

Chapter 25

I start to wake up,but I don’t open my eyes. I’m on cloud nine. Last night was amazing. It was like he physically couldn’t stop making love to me. He fucked me into pure exhaustion. The last thing I remember is him pulling me against his strong chest.

I can smell the fire that’s no longer burning. I can feel every place Holden touched my skin. It burns with the memories of last night, but despite the warmth I feel, a chill runs through me. I crack open my eyes and roll to my back, expecting to see him. The floor beside me is bare.

I stand wrapping the sheet around me as I walk to his bedroom and bathroom, but the whole place is empty. Thinking that maybe he just went to grab us some coffee, I head back to the living room to find my clothes, and that’s when I see a piece of paper setting on the couch cushion.

My heart feels like it stops beating as I stand completely still, staring at it. When I work up enough courage, I push forward with my heart pounding away like a jackhammer.

I fall onto the couch and pick up the note. It reads:

Hope,

I’m sorry for the way I’m doing this, but I knew that if I stuck around long enough to tell you to your face, it would be way too easy for you to talk me out of it. Please understand that I did this for you. I knew our time was limited, that everything would blow up in our face. I love you with everything I am, but I have to go. I’ve taken so much from you already. I won’t take the only family you have as well. I know one of these days you’ll understand.

Please lock up when you leave. I’m arranging for one of the guys at the shop to take care of the place. Don’t look for me, Hope. I don’t even know where I’m going. Forget about me and move on.

I’ll love you always

My eyes begin tearing before I’ve even finished reading the letter. But now, they’re falling freely, rushing from my eyes. Why would he do this? Why doesn’t he see how much I love him? This isn’t something I can just get over. I need him.

But he’s gone.

I hug the letter to my chest. The tears flow from my eyes on their own. There’s no controlling them or the hate that’s consuming me.

The hate pumping through my veins gives me power, and I gain strength from it. I use it to propel me to my feet where I grab my clothes off the floor and pull them on.

This last month, I’ve been strong. I dealt with the feelings that came along from the loss of Dean — I had been putting it off for far too long. I’ve made extensive changes to my life to be happy again. I won’t let him take that from me. If he’s done with me, I’m done with him. I won’t waste anymore of my life grieving.

I hold my chin high as I walk out of his apartment for the last time.

* * *

It’s beenone week and I haven’t heard from Holden. I can feel the depression pulling at me, but I refuse to give in. Tonight is my graduation and it makes me think of him more. Questions upon questions fill my head. Why did he do this? Does he really think I’m better off without him? Will he make a grand appearance tonight? I don’t hold my breath.

I told my parents that Holden and I are over, and they’ve reached out several times over the past week, but something is different between us. They always told me that they would support whatever I wanted to do, but the first time I actually needed their support, they abandoned me and looked at me like I was dirtied up and used. I get why they may not have liked the idea of us being together, but they can’t see how much I love him. They don’t see the way he looks at me. They should have seen all the progress I had made since being with him. Instead, they only saw the forbidden side.

With school being done, I have no idea what I’m going to do. I don’t feel like our relationship is strong enough to move back home, but I can’t afford to keep staying in this apartment on what I make at the coffee shop, and I’m sure my parents won’t send me money the rest of my life either. It’s like I’m looking down the barrel of a gun and I’m frozen in fear. My future is wide open, and I’ve never been more afraid.

I pull on a cap and gown for the second time in my life and can’t help but think of the last time I wore a getup like this. Thinking of that day fills me with joy, but also sadness. Dean should be here.

Memories from that day flash before my eyes: his big smile when he walked out of his house in his cap and gown and saw me waiting by his truck, the way he nodded me on, silently giving me the strength I needed to start my speech, and the look he gave me in the truck when our worried parents were afraid of letting us go. Every little look, touch, and feeling shared between us all seem to touch me at once, and suddenly, I’m filled with love and happiness. I feel stronger, like he’s here with me now, giving me his strength once again.

I wrap my arms around myself and breathe deeply. “Thank you, Dean. Thank you for staying with me and giving me everything I need to move on,” I whisper into the nothingness.

I push my hair away from my face and stand, ready to start this new future that’s going to pull me in whether I’m ready or not.

* * *

The graduation goes smoothly.It was entirely way too long, there were speeches, tears, prayers, and then it ended with everyone throwing up their caps. I went through the whole thing pretending to be happier than I actually felt.

I give hugs to the new friends I had made and even promised to stop by a party before calling it a night. I meet my awaiting parents on the lawn in front of the school to take the traditional post-graduation picture. They take turns with the phone, taking pictures of us together, and then hand it off to someone nearby to take a picture of all of us.

Even though I’m trying to be happy about graduation, everything feels strained. The tension between my parents and myself is still there, only they pretend better than I do.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” my mom asks me with Dad at her side.

I take off my cap and gown, folding the gown over my arm as I cross them over my chest. “I think I’m just going to call it a night. I’m tired,” I lie.