Page 41 of F*cking Shattered

I take a deep breath to calm myself and look at him. He’s driving, completely lost in his own thoughts. He didn’t see the little mental freak out I just had.

I adjust my seat back into the sitting position and pick up the notebook to write to Katie.

Katie,

God, I wish you were here. I need someone to talk to about this. I think I’m falling in love. Either that, or I have a brain aneurysm. You’ve been in love, you can tell me how it feels. But you’re not here, and I don’t know how to figure it out without you. When he looks at me, my heart pounds wildly, my palms get all sweaty, and it feels like a rock is stuck in my throat. I can’t swallow it down. When he touches me, I see stars. For fuckin’ real! I know all this sounds stupid, but I can’t control these feelings. They’re too strong. And you know what? They feel so good, I don’t know if I want to control them. But what if he breaks my heart? My heart is already broken from losing you. I can’t lose him too. Anyway, enough with my whining. Please tell me you’re up there enjoying an endless open bar and having mind-blowing sex. I couldn’t stand it if I thought you were unhappy. You deserve the best, all heaven and Earth have to offer.

I love you,

Jovi

I close the book and tuck it away in my purse. I’m still thinking about what these feeling are when River’s voice cuts through my thoughts.

“So what’s the plan when we get to Miami?”

I almost jump from the silence being suddenly broken. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s going to get pretty expensive staying in a hotel every night. Were you planning on renting an apartment or something?”

“Oh. I have no idea. I was just focusing on getting there.”

Instead of being annoyed that I dropped the ball, he lets out a deep laugh.

“I’ll start looking for something.” I pull out my phone and look at places to rent for the summer.

* * *

By night fall, we still haven’t made it out of Texas. We find a motel for the night and as soon as we walk in the door, I call the shower.

I drop my bag on the bed as I pass by and go directly to the bathroom. I feel nasty after camping last night without a shower, plus my plunge into the lake didn’t help matters any.

I’m also looking forward to a little alone time. I need to sort through my feelings. Everything feels so right, but also completely fucked. I feel like I’ve been setting myself up for heartache this whole time.

I turn the shower on as hot as it will go and step beneath the stream. I let the water flow over my hair and body before turning around and resting my head against the shower wall.

“What’s the matter?” River says from behind me.

I jump and spin around. “Fuck. Why do you keep doing this to me?” I’m feeling too much emotion. I’m needing space, time to sort through everything going on inside my head.

“What are you talking about?” he asks, confused.

“Getting in the shower with me when I didn’t invite you. I mean, is a little alone time too much to ask for?”

He looks like I’ve slapped him in the face as he holds his hands up in defeat. “I’m sorry. I thought after all we’ve been through it wasn’t that big of a deal.” He opens the door and steps out.

The bathroom door slams closed and I jump like it just hit me in the heart. In a way, I guess it kind of did.

Maybe I’m overreacting. I shouldn’t have been angry with him. I think I’m letting everything pile up on top of me and it’s beginning to weigh me down again. I need to talk to him, tell him this wasn’t his fault.

I turn off the shower and wrap a towel around me. When I walk back into the room, he’s nowhere to be found.

I feel my shoulders slump with disappointment. Great, now look what I’ve done.

Pushing it all from my mind, I walk back into the bathroom and finish with my shower. When I’m done, he still isn’t back. I pull on a pair of jeans and a tank top, leaving my wet hair hanging down my back, and walk out. I need to find him. I have to tell him that I’m sorry, that none of this is his fault.

I remember seeing a bar only a block down the road. I’ll try there first.

When I walk in, loud music pumps through the bar. The bass is so loud I can feel it vibrating through my chest. I squeeze through the crowd and look over every face I pass. I walk by the bar, but he’s not sitting on a stool. I start my journey deeper into the building.