Page 9 of F*cking Shattered
My dad follows the line of cars to Katie’s childhood home. With the plane crash, her parents opted to have her cremated, meaning no cemetery. I couldn’t be more relieved. I can’t imagine my best friend spending the rest of eternity there. She belongs with her family.
We pull up to the big, brick house, and park in the circle drive. I lean over and look out my window at the house that’s home to so many of my childhood memories. I stayed here as often as I could growing up. I don’t know if I can set foot in there and survive the assault of unwanted sadness that is sure to come.
My dad opens my door and I step out of the backseat. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” he asks, taking my arm in his.
I shake my head but push on.
“Your mom said to call if you need anything. She wanted to be here today, but I think a part of her feels like she lost a daughter of her own.”
I hear his words but I don’t feel them or respond. Right now, I’m only thinking about pushing forward. The last time I was here was Christmas. We had dinner with Katie’s family, and sat around the tree opening gifts and singing carols while her mom played along on the piano.
The closer we get to the red front door the harder my heart pounds. I can hear it in my ears above all else. My breathing is shallow, and my head begins to swim.
I pull my arm away from my dad, and my feet stop moving.
He turns to face me. “Are you okay? Do you want to leave?” Concern is etched on his face, creating deep wrinkles to form around his blue-gray eyes.
I shake my head. “No, I just need a minute. Please, go ahead. I’ll be in soon.”
His head tilts to the side, silently asking if I’m sure, but I nod him on.
He joins the many other people walking inside while my feet begin to move backwards, away from the door.
When the last person has walked in, I turn and head into the back yard. I walk across the lush, green grass and sit down on the old wooden swing hanging from the big oak tree.
I grasp the ropes tightly in my hands, holding on for dear life. I’m still dizzy as tears begin to swell in my eyes.
“I’m sorry, Katie. I don’t know if I can do this without you. You were the brave one, not me,” I whisper.
The back sliding glass door opens, drawing my attention up. A guy with blond hair walks through, holding two glasses. I try not to stare, but he demands my attention. His hair is long on top with a part on the side that fades down to a buzz. His blue eyes are bright, but they also seem clouded and bloodshot like he’s had to deal with too much stress today as well. He’s tall and lean, but looks strong as he walks closer to me.
I turn and look around the yard, wondering if he’s going to have both those drinks himself or if there is someone else out here that I didn’t know about. I see nothing but the perfectly manicured lawn and flower beds.
When I turn back to look at the blond god, he’s standing right in front of me, towering over me as he holds out a drink.
His closeness makes me buzz as I look up into his deep blue eyes. “Thank you,” I all but whisper as I accept the drink he’s offering.
He nods without a word and leans his shoulder against the tree. I raise the glass to my nose and smell the alcohol before taking a sip. It burns my throat as it goes down, and I cough.
I hear him chuckle beside me and I look at him, smiling weakly before turning back to my drink.
Neither of us are talking, we’re just enjoying the quiet. His proximity makes my heart hammer away, making me feel nervous, but also calming me somehow. Just having someone with me makes me feel a little more at ease. Someone who understands my need for space.
I tip the glass to my lips again, swallowing the contents in one big gulp.
“You may want to take it easy with that stuff. It’s a little strong.” His deep, raspy voice cuts through the silence, almost making me jump.
“That’s exactly what I need right now.” I look into the bottom of the empty glass, wishing for more. Above all else, I just want to be numb right now, just a few minutes to escape the pain and anguish of this day.
He walks a few steps closer and kneels down at my side. He places his drink on the ground and pulls a flask from his jacket pocket. I hold out my glass while he pours me a little more.
After he pours my refill, he takes his place at the tree again.
I want to ask who he is, but I don’t even have the strength to talk at this point. The whole week has been weighing on me, this day the most.
I feel like the weight of the world is resting on my back and shoulders like the sculpture of Atlas. The only difference is, I’m not big and strong. I’m not brave enough to take it all on. I’m small and weak. I feel the weight of it all pressing down on me, ready to make me collapse. I’m tired of the stress, the loneliness, and the pain.
I swirl the amber liquid in my glass and finish the drink. I stand to go inside so I can find my dad. I can’t stand to be here anymore, surrounded by her childhood home and happy memories.