Page 35 of Wild About You
That gets a short, sniffly laugh out of me. But I still feel bad for bringing up something hard for him. And self-centered for how much I’ve dwelled on Granny Star, every single thing out here reminding me of her, when my own partner has faced much worse.
“It helps me to talk about it,” Finn continues patiently. “Even if it also hurts. And if I’m talking to someone who’s been there too, no matter what their loss looked like, it’s even more powerful. Loss and grief put you in the world’s shittiest club, but once you’re there, once you know what it’s like, you can’t un-know.”
I nod slowly, the words ringing so true. No matter how much I’ve downplayed it, told myself Granny Star was old, lived a long life, people lose grandparents all the time, and it shouldn’t be that hard, none of those things change the fact that her death changed me as a person. Changed how aware I am that at any time, you can just lose someone who feels essential to you and never get them back. There’s no returning to when I didn’t know, didn’t think about it every single day.
“So yeah, I did my share of trying to stay strong and ‘get over it.’ I’ve had to learn to let myself dwell in the darkness when I feel like it, share the good memories when I have them—it’s all part of processing and grieving, and not something either of us needs to feel bad about.”
I’m just a little saltwater fountain over here now, a steady stream flowing down my cheeks, dripping off my chin. Whew, this has gotten real heavy, real quick. Since I brought us into the dark place, maybe it’s my job to get us back to the light.
When I think I can speak without totally embarrassing myself, I say, “Who knew this deep well of emotional intelligence was hidden under all the grunting and growling?”
His grin is small, a little rueful. “Lots of therapy. Keep it to yourself, though. I have a reputation to uphold.”
“Secret’s safe with me.” I smile, face forward, and let my head fall back to look up at the evening sky. “Maybe I’ll get around to therapy one of these days. If we win this hundred thousand.”
“How are those two things related?”
I consider how much to give away with my answer. But at this point, so many of my cards are on the table, I might as well lay down the rest of the hand. “Money. Time. I don’t have either.”
Finn hums thoughtfully. “Isn’t that the college experience?”
“Yeeeah,” I hedge, “but I think I’ve pushed it to the limits. Which is why, as any reasonable person would, I applied for Wild Adventures.”
“Oh, good!” Finn gives a short laugh, with only a trace of his Santa Claus guffaws from earlier. “I was hoping I wouldn’t be the only one dumping my baggage out in the open tonight. Should I get the popcorn?”
“Nope. If you leave for even a moment, I might lose the nerve for story time.” It doesn’t come out like a joke, and I guess it really isn’t.
“By all means, then, proceed.”
I sigh and let my head roll sideways so I can see his face, all open and encouraging. And damn, so handsome. “Well, at the risk of sounding like a shallow bitch, I’m here for the money.”
Finn gives me a sardonic look. “Yeah, yeah,” I go on before he can get a word out. “It’s true, though—I need the scholarship. My parents couldn’t pay for my school, even if they were willing, which they’re definitely not. So I applied to every funding source out there and got it mostly covered. My retail job accounts for my other expenses including, more recently, all the random camping shit I bought to come here.” I laugh as I nod toward the cabin’s interior where our packs sit.
“Anyway, it turns out that college is hard. Who knew? Not just the classes, but the social aspect, trying to eat and sleep enough, all kinds of challenges I didn’t see coming. I developed what ended up being really bad anxiety, and probably could’ve used therapy or even medication, but it just felt like one more thing I didn’t have the capacity to deal with, so I didn’t. My grades took the biggest hit and I lost my merit scholarship, so I’ve been scrambling to make up for it any way I can. I’ve casually watched Wild Adventures over the years and, I mean, like you’ve said, it isn’t exactly in line with my skill set. But all I saw were the dollar signs, and I’ve somehow made it through so far. Probably thanks to you, for the most part. I’ll do everything I can to try to get us to the finish line, whether it looks like I’m doing the best job or not. If I can feel more secure about money going into next year, I have to believe more of the other stuff will improve too.”
Finn looks contemplative, his gaze moving over my face for so long that I want to cover it again, then realize he’s still holding my hand. Does he notice?
“Natalie…,” he begins, and my chest tightens. “Any of the times I implied you weren’t cut out for this, I really was being an asshole. In all honesty, I respect you even more for how out of your wheelhouse it is. You’re giving it your all at every moment, and that’s gutsy as hell. No matter what I’ve made you believe, I couldn’t have come this far without you either. You’re amazing.” He gives my hand a squeeze, his deep brown eyes staring into mine like they can see straight down to my nervous wreck of a soul. “And I’m sorry you’ve had such a hard year.”
I blink rapidly, feeling the emotion creep in at the corners of my eyes again, but not willing to look like a weepy freak just because a boy said nice things to me. “Well, uh, thank you,” I murmur after a long stretch of heart-squeezing eye contact. “That’s…very nice of you.”
“Just the truth.” He pulls his hand back and looks away, and I feel a chill run through me with the loss of both forms of contact.
This night with this guy has solidified it—there is so much more to him than the grumbly grump I first saw, or who he allowed me to see. And the more I get to see beneath the surface, the more I feel for him. Without intending to, I let out a dreamy sigh.
Finn side-eyes me, raising a single, questioning eyebrow. “Yes?”
I whip my head forward, belatedly trying to salvage my cool. Way belatedly. “You’re just…really different than I thought you were, those first couple days.”
After a moment’s hesitation, Finn replies, “The feeling is mutual.”
“In a good way,” I add.
“A very good way,” he agrees.
I’m glad it’s too dark for him to see what’s surely the expression of a smitten fool on my face. The silence stretches long enough that I think we’re done talking for the night, and I consider ways to gracefully say “This was a lovely heart-to-heart, but I gotta go fold my clean underwear and mentally unpack every single word you’ve said to me” when Finn adds one more thought.
“And listen, Nat. We’re going to win you that scholarship money. Whatever it takes.”