Page 52 of Yes, Love
Sienna let out another sigh of relief. “But you’re not okay.” She pulled me back into her arms, and I felt a warm drop of liquid land on my arm. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t know.” Her voice cracked. “I would have done everything differently! I would have… Oh god, I’m such a shit friend! I…”
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t want to be treated differently. I didn’t want to be the weak little girl that tried to off herself. I wanted that chapter of my life closed, locked, and tossed in the bottom of the ocean. I wanted to come to Seattle and completely reinvent myself.” I sat up and let out a deep breath. Looks like we’re doing this. Thanks a lot, you stupid, sexy British asshole.
Sienna sat up, too, watching me with her tear-filled eyes. “But, Aves, we were best friends. I wouldn’t have judged you! And if I’d known, I never would have gone anywhere near Evan. I—”
I pressed my palm into her moving lips to muffle her words. “Stop. It. You and Evan are fucking soulmates, and the entire world knew you should have been together a long time ago. I knew it, too, Si. And can I tell you something I recently figured out?”
Another tear slid down Sienna’s cheek. “What?”
I gave her a half-smile. “I never truly loved the guy.” Of course, I only knew that after meeting Dom and feeling what love was supposed to be like. “I liked him. He was hot and funny and had that perfect boy-next-door vibe going on. Evan was also the nicest guy I’d ever dated, so I clung to that and worried that I’d never find anything like it again. But he wasn’t my person, and I wasn’t his. Ever.”
“But I—”
“Sh!” I held up my hand again. “We are officially putting the Evan shit behind us!”
Sienna sighed and then nodded. “Okay. It’s behind us.”
“Thank god! You’re wearing his ring and carrying his child, woman!” I smiled and shook my head.
Sienna laughed, but another tear rolled down her cheek. We sat in silence for a moment before she said, “Aves, I’m sorry I didn’t see what you were fighting in your head. I mean, you’d have your moments where you seemed really down, but then you’d always perk back up into bouncy, bubbly Ava again. I should have paid more attention. I should have been there more.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t have a lot of depressive episodes in high school.” I gave Sienna a sideways glance. Should I let her know how much she meant to me those days? Would it weird her out? “But I mean, when I did, you were there. You and your sarcasm and unwavering friendship kept me from drowning often.”
“Oh my god!” Sienna sniffled and pulled me into her arms again. “I love you. You know that?”
“I love you, too.” I felt the tension melting away from my neck and shoulders.
“I’m gonna be here forever now, Aves. You’ve got my sarcasm and unwavering friendship for life, okay?” Sienna laughed through her tears and hugged me tighter.
“Thanks, Si. It means a lot to hear you say that.” My voice was barely above a whisper.
Sienna pulled back and gazed into my eyes. “What can I do right now? What do you need?”
I sighed and leaned back against my pillows. “I have no idea. I’m just so. Burnt. Out.” I glanced up at my best friend and dared to speak the words aloud that had been on my mind for months. “I can’t be Ava Mills Official anymore. I can’t.”
Sienna nodded. “That’s okay, babe. It looks heavy, and I honestly don’t know how you’ve done it.”
“But like, what the fuck else can I do with my life?” A lump formed in my throat. “Who am I if I’m not the pretty beauty blogger?” My voice cracked, and the tears that I’d been trying to hold back all morning escaped. “I don’t know who I am if I’m not fucking pretty!” Sobs shook my shoulders, and Sienna pulled me back into her arms.
Her beautiful, soothing voice chimed in louder than my self-loathing thoughts. “You are a badass bulldozer that can build an empire from nothing. You are funny, smart, and caring. And god, Aves, the way you love people is fierce, incredible, and irresistible. It is beautiful. You are so much more than a pretty face.”
Sienna stroked my unwashed hair while I cried, and damn, it felt good to let it all out! It felt amazing to let all my walls down and be the soft, fragile girl that simply wanted to be loved. I hadn’t seen her since middle school.
“I’ve got you, babe.” Sienna’s voice was the prettiest, most comforting sound in the world.
When my sobs finally calmed, I whispered, “I missed you so much.” I sat up and wiped the tears from my cheeks. “And I’m sorry I bulldozed you so often back in the day. I didn’t want to be weak ever again, so I overcompensated.”
Sienna nodded. “I get it. In your mind, it was bulldoze or be bulldozed. And don’t sweat it. We were young and trying to figure out who we were.”
I sighed and leaned against my best friend’s shoulder. “I think you were the only one I was truly myself with, Si.” A pair of gorgeous brown eyes filled my head. “Well, you and…” I didn’t even want to say his name. That stupid arse broke my bloody heart.
“Dominic?” Her eyes bore into mine with an intensity that I couldn’t hide from. Sienna’s phone dinged with a notification, but she ignored it.
“Yup. I’m an idiot, and I let myself fall for real, but he’s got his dream girl back. So he got his happy ending, and I’m just… I don’t know. I’m just here. Oh well, though, right? I’ll catch the next happily ever after.” I tried to force a laugh, but it came out all weird and strangled.
“It sounded like he cared about you a lot on the phone, Aves. And when I met him at dinner a few weeks ago, I swear there was tangible chemistry coming off of you two. Are you sure he and Lucy are back together? Have you talked to him?”
I rolled my eyes and swiped at my tears. “For about ten seconds when he arrived in England. He’s texted a few times, and he called yesterday, but I didn’t answer. I’m struggling, you know, and I just can’t deal with it.” I bit my lower lip to stop the trembling. “My heart hurts so fucking bad, and I seriously don’t know if I’ll survive hearing him say that he chooses Lucy.” I glanced over at her and then covered my face with both hands. “Ugh. Is that you how you felt watching me with Evan?”