Page 69 of Click

Chapter 23

Carson

They say the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I’m falling like a comet through the sky and when I hit bottom, the hole I’ll make will be catastrophically massive.

I’m not in love with Mak. I keep telling myself that because, even if it feels close, it’s not the same as what I felt with Lauren. No, this is just infatuation. Instalust at best. We play well together and she’s so sweet and nothing like my normal subs that I’m fooling myself into believing she’s just a fun twist on an old favorite game.

And I’ll keep lying to myself for as long as I have to because this will never grow into something beyond a kink app hookup. I’ve had so many, I know the drill. And the fact that I make sure my subs know that this is all play, and not reality, is a real kick in the balls now that I’m having to remind myself that’s all this is with Mak.

But I couldn’t leave her this morning. I tried. Something went off the rails between us earlier and it’s me.

I’m the problem.

I’m always the fucking problem.

My derailment happened when I realized my shirt couldn’t be salvaged. I was going to have to walk out of this apartment complex bare chested. It shouldn’t have mattered. And at first, it almost didn’t. But then that woman came out with her two kids and my insecurity demons roared to life with a vengeance to tear me down.

I’m a grown ass man. I’ve been shirtless in front of people tons of times. I get through it just fine because I’m with family and friends and I feel safe and comfortable with them.

This building is not my safe space.

I felt vulnerable and exposed. Those are two things I don’t do. Ever.

Last night, Mak said I was sexy. I didn’t take it to heart because lots of people say things in the heat of the moment to make their partner feel good. But in the back of my mind, I can’t really believe she’d think that was the truth. I saw her ex-boyfriend. Motherfucker looked like Superman.

I feel more like Wreck It Ralph.

When I barreled out of the apartment complex and got into my car, I felt stupid. Why should I let my past destroy this morning? Why did I allow myself to go into a dark headspace and walk away from Mak’s bright sunshine? I thought I was better than this by now. All the work I’ve put into myself seems to have dissolved. I’ve got to try harder.

Mak deserves better.

I’m getting attached to her and it’s scaring me.

That comment I made earlier about putting a collar around her neck? I hadn’t meant for that to slip out. But it’s the truth. I want to keep her.

And I can’t.

She’ll play with me and then move on to another partner with more to offer, and that’s exactly how it should be. It’s one of the reasons I’m on that site and in this lifestyle—I get to embrace my kinks with willing partners, and there’s no commitment beyond what we initially agree on.

Lots of Doms don’t word their contracts like I do. I handle it more like a service rendered. That’s it. No harm, no foul, no hard feelings… no broken hearts.

But my heart cracked when I felt Mak’s gaze burning into my back just before I left her apartment. And by the time I made it to my car, I knew I had to make a choice. Drive off and pretend this is okay or break another motherfucking rule and do what I’m doing now.

“Pack your books, pretty girl.”

My lips are still tingling from the hard and violent kiss we just shared. Mak’s eyes round with excitement, and… I think relief… as she snatches a stack of books over by her couch and unplugs her e-reader from the end table.

“I ummm…” Mak pivots on her bare feet and looks around her apartment. “Snacks?”

“Anything you want.” I’ll order delivery for lunch and make us dinner at home tonight, if she’ll let me keep her that long. “Shoes,” I say, when she runs up with her arms filled with a huge stack of paperbacks.

“Hold these for me?” She dumps them into my arms and dashes to her bedroom. I can’t help but smile. She seems genuinely excited to be stuck with me for the day. “Here…” She hops on one foot while trying to adjust her Chucks. “I got a bag.”

“Slow down, Mak.” It’s not like the place is on fire. “Take a minute and tie your shoes.”

She falls on her ass and laces her Chucks up properly, which makes me happy because I don’t need her tripping on the steps and breaking her sweet body. Meanwhile, I shove all the books into her bag. There’s no way she’s reading all these in a day, so I’m assuming they’re for her Instagram posts, but what do I know.

“Want me to follow you?” she asks while locking her door.