Page 19 of Save Us
“Mum, Beth…died, remember?” Mal says in a voice which is choked with emotion.
“Did they get her, Xander? You didn’t let them get her, did you? Oh, Mal, they’ve got Beth!” She tries to stand but wobbles on her feet, prompting both Mal and the nurse to lunge for her. “Beth!”
As she begins shouting for Beth at the top of her lungs, I watch Mal struggling to keep it together. Meanwhile I remain sitting impotently on her bed, not having any idea as to what to do for the best. Thankfully, the door bursts open and a man in his late seventies comes rushing inside. It’s the only thing that makes Rosalie stop shouting and calm herself down. Strangely enough, he does look similar to me, and I can see how Rosalie, in her confused state, managed to muddle us up. He crosses the room quickly and kneels before her, then begins kissing her hands.
As she relaxes against him, he helps helping her to settle back inside of her chair. I can’t help staring at them, feeling a little confused. I was given the impression he would be on death’s door after what I had overheard at Beth’s memorial, but he looks positively fit and healthy, given his age.
His shushing and gentle stroking of her hands help to soothe Rosalie, which soon brings her breathing back down to normal. They rest against each other; it’s almost heartbreaking to see how much love and reassurance they get from one another.
“Tom, they’ve got Beth and he’ll be after me too. Don’t let him get me again, don’t let them take me and Mal away from you. Look, he’s only a baby!” She gestures over to Rosie, who is now drifting off to sleep in my arms, luckily being oblivious to everything going on around her. Tom looks over to where she’s pointing and momentarily smiles at me in acknowledgment, then turns back to face his love.
“Rose,” he says calmly, “no one has Beth; no one is coming for you or Mal. And even if they were, I’m not going to let anyone get to you, I promise.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, looking at him with real fear in her eyes. “Because he hurt me, Tom, he really hurt me, and I couldn’t bear it if they hurt you or Mal too.”
“Have I ever let you down before?” he says with a reassuring soft laugh, just for her. She concedes by shaking her head, and finally lets him sit down next to her, seemingly placated by his reassurances.
After a good twenty minutes of small talk, interspersed with the odd reference to her old life back in Mayfield, the nurse comes back in to help Rosalie to go to the bathroom. Once she is safely out of earshot, Tom takes the opportunity to come over and shake my hand, introducing himself as Mal’s father. I accept the handshake with genuine admiration and respect. I introduce Rosie as his great-granddaughter, to which he beams, then relishes in the opportunity to give her cuddles for a moment or two.
“I’m so sorry, Xander,” he says, looking between me and Rosie, “I can’t tell you how much I wish things were different for you, for both of you. Beth was only seven when I saw her last. She was such a beautiful little person, just like her grandmother. I know you’re after him, son, but please be careful. Don’t end up like I did, being taken away from your loved ones for years on end. You’re all she has now,” he says stroking back the wisps of hair on top of Rosie’s head, “she deserves for you to stick around.”
Before I can reply, Rosalie re-enters the room and Tom instantly returns to her side to assist the nurse with getting her settled back inside of the armchair. Rosalie smiles at Tom lovingly, like she’s a young girl again, to which Tom responds in exactly the same way.
“Tom,” she whispers, “who’s that man sitting on my bed? He’s not one of them, is he?”
Tom looks over at me with a tired sort of smile, and I look back with understanding and sympathy for him.
“No, sweetheart, he’s not one of them.”
Chapter 8
Beth
The sun is especially warm today, but it’s comfortable. The sand feels tickly on my toes, and I relax in the sensation. The soothing sound of waves gently lapping up on the shore, making soft, bubbly noises when it arrives upon the shingle beneath it, only adds to my feeling of serenity. I don’t need to open my eyes to see how beautiful it is; I already know it would take a million years for me to find something just as breathtaking as the scene all around me. In fact, I bet I could walk the world twice over and never find anywhere I would rather be, wrapped up in the safe, protective, arms of Xander, whose heart is thudding gently against my ear as I nuzzle into his warm, naked chest.
As I sigh audibly with a huge, contented smile on my face, he lays his hand lazily against my hair and begins to stroke it down in long, flowing movements. He laughs ever so softly at my nudging further into his touch, but I hear it as clear as day and bask in the beauty of it. It’s a sound I haven’t heard for so long.
“You enjoying that, baby?” he asks, teasing me by using the tips of his fingers to begin massaging my scalp.
“Mm-hmm,” I mumble, “keep going!”
He laughs before flipping me over so suddenly that I yelp. My eyes fly open to see him leaning over me with a mischievous grin on his face.
“Xander?” I whisper shout into the pitch-black room before me.
I suddenly feel cold; the space around me is both alien and terrifying. The man beside me is not the man I love; he is the man I fear and loathe most in the world. The let-down from my dream is so suffocating, so soul-destroying, I have to get out of here. I need to go anywhere that will shed even a fraction of light, somewhere that will at least resemble the dream I was just having about my other life; the one I had to give up for the nightmare I’m now living in. With this desperate need to get away, I throw back the covers and try to get up, but a cold hand suddenly grabs at my wrist, causing me to scream out in shock.
“Where are you going, Beth?” Oliver mumbles into his pillow.
“Just the bathroom,” I reply in barely more than a whisper, desperate to try and stifle the ball of emotion that is readying itself to erupt from my throat. It’s sitting there, waiting patiently until I can be alone and let it all out in private. Once upon a time, I wouldn’t have lasted, but I’ve trained my emotions well over the years. I can hold them in for much longer than I ever could before being forced into this life.
“Come back soon,” he mutters before drifting off again.
As soon as he turns over, away from me, I reach under the mattress to clutch hold of Rosie’s tiny hat, the whole time holding my breath and watching my husband for fear he’ll catch me. Once it’s safely hidden inside the palm of my hand, I walk quickly toward the bathroom door and slip inside. I turn the light on; it feels like an oxygen mask feeding me after suffocating from the darkness on the other side of that door. I carefully climb inside of the empty bathtub, curl up into the fetal position and begin to silently cry against the porcelain. All the while I shudder against the cold sides, I hold her hat to my face, staining it with my tears. It’s all I have, all that is truly mine.
I’ve only dreamed of Xander a handful of times during my years away from him, and every time I come to, it has felt like I’ve been punched in the gut. At the time of unconsciousness, it feels so deliciously real, I always wake up gasping for breath and having to fight away waves of nausea. The disappointment and heavy sadness that spreads over my chest each time are all consuming and enough to make me want to try and climb to the top of that bridge again. If only Kai had pulled the trigger, I wouldn’t have to live through this pain anymore. It wouldn’t really matter how it happened, I just know it would be a sweet release, like extinguishing a burning flame against my skin.
After what feels like hours of falling apart, I eventually come back to reality. I’ve uncurled my body from the fetal position and am now staring up at the ceiling with Rosie’s hat stretched out in front of my face. I’m not really looking at the physicality of the fabric, I’m wondering about my daughter and what she might look like. What does she do when she comes out to see Xander after school? What does she say when my parents come to visit her? What does Riley look like now that he’s nearly a man? I wonder if Mum and Dad have got over my death? Is Casey with anyone better than Kyle? Has Bodhi changed at all? Does he still surf butt naked in the middle of the night?