Page 36 of Save Us
“Andy Simmons is a little turd, and you are beautiful, no doubt about it!” I tell her as I brush her hair away from the sticky mess on her face. She still looks unconvinced, just like her mother used to look when I told her how beautiful she was. I lift up her chin, so she has no choice but to take in her old man’s face.
“Look at your mommy, Rosie,” I tell her, pointing to the picture of us, the same one I try so desperately hard to avoid because it hurts too much, “isn’t she beautiful, Rosie?” She reluctantly glances over to the picture of us, then nods slowly and sadly before looking back up at me. “And hey, your daddy is handsome, isn’t he?” I manage to make her giggle by putting on a dead-serious model-like pose, the type you get in male swimwear magazines. I take her smile as a win and grin back at her. “So, how on earth can you not be beautiful too?”
“I wish mommy was still here,” she whispers, successfully breaking me all over again. “Even if it were just for one day.”
“I know, baby,” I sigh as I hold her close to me. “Me too, Rosie.”
After spending the rest of the day with my little girl and trying to give her all the reassurance I can without badmouthing Andy fucking Simmons too much, I put her to bed and immediately call Celia over for a movie and a pizza. As much as I’ve loved spending time with my little Rose, I’m exhausted from watching her so intensely. It’s hard trying to make sure she’s a happy kid who’s not too traumatized from having to grow up without a mother. Then, after having to hear about the little turd at school, it’s been enough to have had me questioning myself all day. Questions like, am I good enough? Do I make her happy? Does she know how much she’s loved? Does she know how much I loved her mother?
Celia is easy and knows the score when it comes to her and me. A friends with benefits kind of affair that I don’t even have to think about. She’s the only woman I don’t have to pretend with. Plus she loves the cheesy slasher films that I like to watch after a day like today.
Not long after she arrives, we gorge ourselves on takeout pizza and beer while watching the screen in comfortable silence. I can’t help reveling in the mindlessness of a creepy, gory, horror film. As soon as our hunger is satisfied, I lean over to kiss her, for I now feel desperate for another kind of release, a need she must be sharing because she reciprocates with equal lust. Pretty soon, we’re ripping each other’s clothes away, getting straight to what we need - her, an orgasmic high, and me, to see Beth again.
Tonight, she arrives sooner than the last time, right when Celia takes me into her mouth with a cheeky smirk on her face. Her face morphs into Beth’s and when she begins sucking on me like my cock is her very own oxygen mask, I laugh and begin to stroke her hair.
“Fuck,” I hiss as her big, blue eyes look up at me with a little smile. It’s more innocent than Celia’s, one I miss so much, I have to clench my teeth together to stop myself from overflowing with emotion.
“Hey, come up here,” I gasp, now pulling her up to straddle me, so we can both be skin to skin.
As she slides easily on top of me, I take her pert nipple into my mouth and bite down while she pants against me.
“There you are, baby,” I whisper in between her breasts. She throws her head back to let her blond curls flow down to tickle my hand, just where I’m gripping hold of her ass.
“It’s been a while,” she breathes out heavily, bringing her head back up so we can kiss one another. She hungrily swirls her tongue around my mouth, which feels so good, I moan against her. “You must have blue balls, baby.”
“You have no idea!” I grin before upping my thrusts to bring her to the brink, only to pull away at the last minute because I know if I let her come, she’ll be gone. “You don’t get to leave me yet!”
“So wicked,” she replies, then bites my lip playfully. “You can’t hold out forever, especially if I do this…” She clenches firmly around me deep inside of her as she rides me harder and faster.
“Fuck, Beth!” I growl as I involuntarily begin to match her thrusts just as hard.
“She’s coming, Xander,” she whispers inside of my ear, “you know what that means, my love.”
Her lips graze the skin of my cheek, and even though she’s barely touching me, it’s enough to undo me; to release deep inside of her. It all happens with a sense of dread, knowing that she’ll have vanished the very moment I open my eyes again.
Barely minutes later, Celia and I are lying in a tangle of limbs, pulling the sofa throw over our naked bodies while trying to get our breath back. The TV throws out different shades of light, showcasing the latest bloody victim in all its glory. I feel her stroking her fingers gently up and down my arm in lazy trails, and for a moment or two, I can lean back and pretend it’s me and Beth watching a movie together in our own home while our daughter sleeps safe and sound upstairs. Before I can stop it, a flash of Oliver dragging Beth’s lifeless body away from me has me jolting upright in horror, causing Celia to sit up with me.
“You called out her name again,” she says with a soft smile, still stroking my arm as I try to regulate my breathing back to normal. “Still so troubled, Xander?”
“Sorry,” I say with a sigh, ignoring her question because I know how troubled I am. However, I don’t want to lose this ‘trouble’, for it’s the only connection I have left with her.
“It’s ok, Xander, but don’t you think you need to go and see someone? You can’t live like this!” She suddenly looks into my eyes, and I know that I must look like a pathetic sad sap because she kisses me on the cheek, lingering for a while before getting up to get dressed, all of which with a heavy sigh. “This was the last time, Xander.”
“Any particular reason why?” I ask casually, not feeling entirely sad about it. “You’ve never minded before.”
“I, er, I kind of met someone. He wants to make things more…exclusive. I think I’m gonna go for it,” she replies, biting her lip to try and stop her grinning with giddy excitement over the fact. I smile at her as I get up to throw my arms around her, feeling beyond happy for someone who has been there for me during the dark times.
“That’s really cool, Celia, I’m pleased for you,” I tell her with genuine affection.
“I know,” she replies, now letting herself smile back. “You’re a good guy, Xander, and you deserve love too. Please, go get help; don’t let life pass you by.”
“Yeah, maybe,” I tell her as I wander back to the sofa with the throw still wrapped around my waist. She gifts me a telling look, knowing I have absolutely no intention of getting over Beth any time soon. “Good luck with your someone.”
“Thanks. I’ll speak soon.” She rolls her eyes and shakes her head before leaving me alone with just the horror film and the throw for company.
As soon as the door closes on Celia, in more ways than one, I rub my hands slowly over my face before forcing myself to get up and go to bed. I’m more than ready to put an end to this draining day. However, it would seem my brain doesn’t feel like giving in just yet. All I do is toss and turn, huffing and puffing with frustration while I lie with the sheet half hanging off the bed.
With nothing else to do but get up and try to clear my mind, I walk into Rosie’s room to check she’s ok. I then wander down to my office to retrieve my phone from earlier so I can get lost in Pinterest or something equally as mindless. However, once it’s in my hand, I start to do something epically stupid; I text her.