Page 6 of Save Us
After as I was married, I became Angela Elizabeth Lawrence, and had a whole fake history with it, including a new set of parents and a sibling who died when she was only five. A few select members, including most of those who had seen me at our engagement party, know who I really am. However, most believe Beth Taylor died in a car accident when Xander Fenton, a mentally disturbed young man, abducted me and drove his car off the road. It was simply too late for Oliver to save his bride to be. Even Chad and Felicity Marsdon were offered all manner of bribes to keep quiet about me. Being the kind of immoral and opportunistic people they are, they were more than happy to accept them.
The only people who still call me Beth are Oliver and Carl. Pru and Leo call me Beth in private, but as far as Oliver is concerned, they are to call me Angela at all times. As for me, I don’t know who I am anymore, so Beth or Angela, it makes no difference.
The afternoon sun is beginning to drop by the time Oliver has returned me home and fucked me up against the bathroom sink, all the while I inwardly cried. He had wiped me clean before kissing the back of my head, then told me I was allowed to go out with Leo for our daily walk around the park. It is the only place I can truly escape my reality for a few blissful hours. Usually, my hair is folded up inside of a cap and I wear cargo trousers and a jumper that is so big, it completely hides my shape. However, today I was in such a rush to get out, I decided to forgo the change of clothes, slipped on some trainers, and hid myself behind a long black coat. Dark sunglasses provides a mask for half my face and a hood keeps my hair safely hidden from view.
Walking a few steps away from Leo, I’m quiet, monosyllabic, and even my fake smile is dropping as I get further and further away from the prison that Oliver calls home. My thoughts are consumed by the ensuing doctor’s appointment next week, knowing that I have to either stop taking the pill and risk pregnancy, or I keep taking it and incur Oliver’s wrath when it’s discovered during my fertility tests. I guess I should be grateful that I’ve gotten away with it for this long, but I’m not. I’m sad and angry with the world and today, of all days, I can no longer hide it.
Halfway over a bridge crossing the Hudson, I haven’t even noticed which one, I stop and look over the side and into the water. I breathe in the piss poor substitute for the ocean back home, reveling a little in the gentle breeze that sweeps across my face for a moment or two. My eyes are closed to my real surroundings as I picture the North Beach with surfers bobbing up and down on top of the waves, all the while Bodhi’s roaring bonfire crackles behind me. How I long to walk inside those gentle waves again, to feel the warmth on my face, to laugh with Bodhi, to kiss my boyfriend, to hug my parents and brother, to see what my little girl now looks like. But when I open my eyes, all I see is the murky river below, the sound of rushing traffic behind me, and the darkening sky above. The bleakness of it all seems a little harsher than it was before I had mentally traveled back to my home from once upon a happier time.
As I see the world around me closing into darkness, I realize we must have been walking for longer than I thought. He’ll be furious with me, but what’s a little slap or punch when I’ve had to endure it for years already.
Be in the present Beth, the future is dead!
“Angela?” Leo calls out gently from beside me. All of a sudden, his calm, low voice around that name angers me, and I glare at him before unfairly sneering his way.
“That’s not my name!” I snap before I can stop it from happening. I instantly hate myself when I see the look of guilt on his papa bear face and the hurt in his soulful eyes. “I’m sorry,” I say sheepishly as I look back into the water again.
“It’s ok…Beth,” he says as though to utter my old name is blasphemy. He sighs heavily, and I realize he’s aged with me since taking on this life. He leans his elbows over the side with me so we can both stare out into nothing together. “I know why today is so much harder for you.” I nod sadly when a few tears fall without my permission, the same ones I’ve been trying to hold back all day.
“She’ll be a proper little girl now,” I mutter bitterly, “she would have understood what her birthday meant, probably got up early to open her presents. Maybe had a party or at least a special birthday tea,” I whimper involuntarily, but quickly sniff it back to try and stop anything else from coming out. “I remember my fifth birthday party. It was a pool party, back in England. I was so excited because they had a slide and jacuzzi, and five of my friends were coming from school. We had pizza for tea, followed by one of those do-it-yourself ice-cream machines, prepping us up for a nice sugar high on the way home.”
I laugh and so does he.
“I got a bike,” I recall as I turn to face him. “Do you think she has a bike, Leo? Do you think she needs stabilizers, or can she do it without? I bet Xander would have taught her to do it without. Bodhi might be trying to teach her to surf already, and I bet her aunty has already had her practicing how to do her nails.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Leo agrees, sounding a little emotional himself. His son is now twelve years old and loving school. I hear he is quite the academic and wants to go to one of the Ivy League schools after he graduates. Leo often tries to hide how proud of his son he is; I can tell. It’s both a relief and a source of guilt, knowing why he feels he has to do so. If nothing else, at least his success has been something good to come out of all this.
“I bet she has lots of friends too,” Leo says, snapping me out of my confused, emotional thoughts.
“I hope she does,” I reply as I close my eyes and try to picture her. But I can’t. She will have changed so much from the tiny baby that had laid inside my arms. “Do you think she knows who I am?”
“Yeah, of course, Beth,” Leo says and wraps his arm around my shoulders when I begin to shiver. “That boy of yours would have been telling her stories and showing her pictures since the moment she could understand; probably even before that.”
Silence falls between us, but my eyes remain closed, desperately trying, hoping to see what she looks like. But all I see is Xander with a tiny baby, and it breaks my heart to see them there without me. Leo’s arm has fallen away, knowing that such contact is dangerous for him, so, without opening my eyes, I reach up and put my foot onto the railing in front of us, quickly followed by the other. I find another railing above me and pull myself upward. As I climb toward the top, I have to open my eyes to get further, to see if I can really do it.
“Beth! What the hell are you doing? Shit, Beth!” Leo flaps around below me as I climb higher and higher, desperate to get to the top and end it all. “Fuck!” he gasps, now clutching at his hair. He reaches out for my legs, even though he is still resistant to touch me because of what Oliver would do if he ever found out.
“Do you think if I jumped off this bridge it would kill me, Leo?” I ask the wind. “Would anyone back home know that Beth Taylor had died again?”
“Please get down, please, Beth? That day is coming, I promised you, didn’t I?”
I nod but the tears streaming from my eyes tell both of us that I don’t believe him anymore. The water, though murky, looks so inviting, so freeing, I could easily give into it. Just like it did on that day I had fallen from the pier. However, this time, there would be no Xander to rescue me, just sweet release.
“You know what? No!” Leo growls with determination and begins climbing up to pull me down, which he does so forcefully, so desperately, that I come crashing down on top of him. We both land on the sidewalk below, with the impact hurting my elbow and thigh, and the concrete grazing against my skin.
“Oh, Beth, honey,” Leo whispers as he bends forward to try and hug me, but I shuck him off. Only when I know he’s safely away from me do I let the whimpering out, not that I could stop it even if I wanted to. “Beth, don’t give up, please don’t give up!”
“I can’t do it anymore, Leo,” I sob, trying to take in more air as my throat closes in on me. “I hate him so much; I hate him touching me, consuming me, destroying me!”
“I know, sweetheart,” he replies as he tries to shield me from the passing traffic, “fuck, I know!”
“I don’t want to go back there,” I mutter, mostly to myself.
Without words, Leo takes hold of my hand and rubs his thumb over my skin, being careful to hide our physical connection from view. I take his touch for all it’s worth; no one ever touches me anymore. They know it’s more than their life is worth if either Oliver or Carl found out. No one is allowed to touch Oliver’s possessions other than him. And that’s all I am - a vacant, hollow doll.
As I look at our joined hands, I see the end of the tattoo I was forced to have as soon as Oliver and I had returned from the horror that was my honeymoon. I couldn’t tell you what Aspen was like, even though we spent two weeks there. I was allowed to come out for meals but was otherwise kept under lock and key in our suite. The other guests had cooed over our recent nuptials, gushed over how in love we appeared to be, and wished us a long and happy life with lots of children to further bless our family and home. It was the exact opposite of what I was wishing for.
A screeching of tires from behind Leo has both of us looking at the road with furrowed brows. No sooner than have we done so, a beat-up, old car with four men inside of it slams to a halt by the sidewalk. A tall man from the front passenger seat throws open the door and practically leaps out with a gun pointing right at us. His eyes are so angry, I instantly gasp, then cling onto Leo’s sleeve without a second thought for what Oliver would do if he saw me.