Page 104 of House of Lies
“None of it was your fault, Kaz. You can’t possibly think that.”
“I could’ve stopped it sooner, but I took another year to observe Mattia to make sure I was fully prepared to become him. But I could have been there a year earlier.”
I try not to think about how much pain and violence that year could have spared me.
“You did what you had to do.”
“Knowing this doesn’t make it any better, though. I was still in prison when the reports mentioned you, his new wife. That’s when you became mine, solnyshko. Not when I entered your house. Not when we started pretending. Not even when I first fucked you.”
You refuse to see what’s right in front of you, and that’s why I don’t particularly like you. He wants you here.
Vanya’s words make more sense now. Kaz decided that I was his long before we ever met. I never stood a chance.
“I feel like I should be freaked out.”
“But?” he prompts.
He stops massaging my leg. Placing the lotion on the bed, he grabs my waist and pulls me onto his lap. I run a hand through his dark hair. That day in the garden, when I signed the marriage license, I decided I had nothing to lose except my heart. And my heart is a treacherous thing that betrayed me months ago.
“Remind me that you have no use for my heart,” I whisper. “Tell me you don’t care and that I’m here on a whim. Tell me I’m here because you’re possessive and decided to torment me by making me come back with you. Tell me I’m not here because you care.” The silence is deafening. His gray eyes burn into my soul. “Please, Kaz. Lie to me if you have to.”
“No, moya solnyshko. No more lies.”
“Just this once,” I plead.
“No.”
Any lie would be better than this truth. It’s not a whim. He’s not trying to make my life a living hell. And he might not let me go.
“I’ll guard your heart with my life, whether it belongs to me or not.”
At least now I understand why. He decided that I was his even before I knew he existed. I should be scared. Terrified.
“This is a lot to take in, Kaz.”
“I know. I’m not asking you to say anything. You asked, and I wanted you to know. This is why I came back. I couldn’t leave without you. That night when you ran away, my plane was already waiting. I told you we were going to take a trip.”
He has enough power to take what he wants. It was easy to remind myself why I fell in love with him in the first place. It was easy to resume the fall. I’m not a prisoner in his house. I’m living as close to a normal life as I can. He’s not trying to cage me. Kaz encourages me to go to therapy. He lets me do whatever I want and makes time for me. I’ve often thought he would be the perfect husband if this were real. I wrap my hands around his neck, resting my chin on his shoulder.
“Are you all right?”
“Weirdly enough, yes.” I laugh.
He envelops me in his arms, holding me close. Kaz suddenly remembers something and retrieves his discarded jacket from the bed.
“I have something for you.”
I lean back as he takes a small black box from the inside pocket and hands it to me. I open it, remembering his mention of rings earlier. Inside, there’s an engagement ring and a wedding band. This doesn’t feel temporary at all. The engagement ring is adorned with tiny white stones, with a large dark blue diamond in the center. The wedding band features a trail of velvety blue sapphires set between two rows of brilliant diamonds. He takes them out of the box and extends his palm toward me.
“If you don’t like them, I’ll take you shopping once my family is gone.”
“I love them. What’s engraved on the wedding band?” I glimpse something written on the inside as he slides it onto my finger.
“It will end in blood.”
“Wasn’t that engraved on your knife?”
“It’s the Mordvinov family motto.”