Page 109 of House of Lies
“Thank you,” I say.
I lean my head on his chest, and Kaz wraps an arm around my waist, taking a deep breath.
“I’m sorry for how they treated you,” he murmurs.
“I didn’t understand a word they said, Kaz.” I laugh softly.
“You didn’t need to. But I understood every single one. They will not set foot in this house again until they learn to treat you right.”
“Do I mean that much to you that you’re willing to lose your family over me?”
“?? ??????? ??? ??? ????, ????? ???.”
“Not again,” I say. “I’m slow at this.”
“You mean everything to me, my life.”
I’m overwhelmed by a strange mix of emotions as Kaz mutters those two words—confusion, fear, and an unfamiliar warmth. I’ve deluded myself into thinking that the connection between us wasn’t real, even though I know I’m falling for him more and more every second. It seems like I’m already there. I want to run away and pretend the last few months didn’t happen. It wouldn’t have been better if we had never met. I might still be trapped in the nightmare with Mattia. I can’t ignore the warmth in my chest—something that has always been absent in my life.
“When you say things like that, you make me wonder.” I swallow, unable to gather coherent thoughts.
“Wonder what?”
All his walls are down right now. There’s so much vulnerability in his eyes that it scares me. I haven’t forgotten a single thing he said to me last night. I couldn’t think of anything else the entire day, but I feared what would happen if I allowed myself to fall further. I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the pain of a broken heart if things don’t work out. Things are moving too fast, and Kaz seems to be ready to leap. I’m unsure if I trust him enough to do that.
“These past two months have gone by too quickly,” I say, taking a deep breath. “And apart from the fact that your family will never fully accept me, life isn’t that bad.” I smile. “We said we needed to make it believable, but I wonder where the line between fact and fiction is.”
I wonder how much we’re pretending and how much of this is real.
“I’m not pretending, Caelia. I’ve promised no more secrets, so I won’t lie, even if this is not what you want to hear. I’ve asked you to give this marriage a real chance because I knew I would give it my all. I’ve been obsessed with you even before I met you.”
He’s showing me a side of him I’ve seen glimpses of him in the penthouse and at the hospital when he protected me. I know it’s a part of who he is. I’m not deluding myself into thinking that’s not him.
“We agreed on six months,” I remind him.
“We should have agreed on ten fucking years. Maybe that would have been enough time for you to—” He cuts himself off, touching my cheek. I lean into his touch, finding comfort in it.
“Enough time for me to do what?” He’s not comfortable talking about his feelings. Neither am I, but we can’t afford any more miscommunication. “I know this is hard,” I assure him. “It’s hard for me as well. Life wasn’t supposed to make sense again so quickly. I thought he broke me, Kaz. After everything, I wanted to die. And now we’re here, and things are moving so fast, and I ... you’re fighting with your family because of me. You’re saying all these things to me that make no sense.”
I have to decide whether to take a leap of faith or continue to avoid my feelings.
“I’ll spell it out for you, zhizn moya. ? ???????? ? ????.” I don’t need to know his language to understand his words. He’s looking at me like his life makes no sense without me, and I know. I feel the same thing. “I fell in love with you,” he translates anyway. “I’ve been falling for a while.”
I’m hanging by a thread. My brain insists on denying my feelings further. I’m in limbo. I realized that he had proposed this agreement because he was determined to have me back with him. Despite his threats, he didn’t want to keep me in a cage just because he wanted me. It was all a ruse that I failed to see.
“I am not who you want to spend the rest of your life with, Kaz. I’ve always been broken, and it’s not your duty to fix me. I have too much baggage I might never leave in my past,” I say, my voice filled with doubt. He goes tense, his eyebrows furrowing. “I’m not the person you want as the mother of your children. I’m not the one you want as your other half.”
“You don’t get to decide for me.” He smiles, caressing my cheek.
“I know I don’t. I was trying to state the obvious.”
“No, you’re not stating the obvious. You’re trying to convince yourself that this will never work between us. You’re not suitable for this life. You’re not enough. And you’re right. You’re too much for this. For me. You’re trying to convince yourself I’m unsure what I want, so you won’t allow yourself to feel anything for me.”
He’s not angry, which makes things a thousand times worse. He’s right. I also don’t know how to deal with a person who wants to communicate, who wants to clear up confusion, and who wants to confront painful truths.
“It’s a choice, Caelia. You’ll always have me, so if you decide you don’t want me, I will still be there for you for the rest of my life. You’ll call, and I’ll come to you, no matter where I am.” He licks his lips. “I want you as my wife and mother of my children, but I won’t force you into this.” I watch his Adam’s apple bob. “New York will never be safe for you again, and there’s no other place in the world safer for you than by my side, but you either want me or you don’t. And I don’t want an answer now. You still have four months to decide.”
My heart feels like it’s going to explode. My chest hurts.