Page 131 of House of Lies
I moan as he slides in and out of me. Sometimes, it feels like he’s too much for my body to handle.
“I love you.” I try again.
“That’s better.”
“I need you. I thought it was freedom I wanted, but I was wrong, Kaz. It’s you I want. Nothing and no one else. You’re the only one.”
His body melds with mine. He kisses me once more, his body barely moving. I want to keep him like this forever. If he decides he doesn’t want me after tonight, then making love to me is the harshest punishment he could have chosen. I bend my legs as he guides himself back inside me, his hand finding its place around my throat again. He stares directly into my eyes, his lips parted, a low moan escaping him. He breaks me and puts me back together. I lose myself in him, as I always have, losing track of time and everything else. I am a puppet in his skilled hands as he moves me, he brings me to climax, and he fills me up, whispering that I am his. We both gasp for breath, exhausted, as he collapses on top of me. I hold him in my arms, unsure if I’ll ever get another chance to.
I’m on the verge of falling asleep when I hear his voice. “Did you find what you were looking for?”
He’s not talking about me coming back. He wants to know if leaving was worth it.
“Yes and no,” I respond, his head lifting as he brushes a strand of hair away from my face. “I found everything my old self wanted. I found everything I craved while living my previous life. But you weren’t there, so it was all meaningless. Every bit.”
“Come and take a shower with me. Stay the night,” he suggests.
I should try. Regardless of how this will ultimately end, I did my best. If my efforts aren’t enough, I won’t be able to blame anyone else for my choices. I follow Kaz to the bathroom, slipping into the shower with him. I admire his body, tracing the inked patterns on his skin, committing his expression to memory as he brings me to climax once more, unable to keep his hands or mouth away. He said it’s only for the night but doesn’t feel like a farewell. He confuses me, and I don’t want to push him over the edge. I’ve caused enough damage. Before getting into bed, I steal one of his t-shirts. He turns off the light and joins me.
“Tell me about what you’ve been doing,” he requests, his hand settling on my waist and pulling me closer.
I follow his lead, snuggling closer. Resting my cheek on his chest, I close my eyes. Breathing has never been easier since I left.
“I wish I had done anything memorable, but I didn’t.” I laugh. “I’ve spent most of my days reading, drinking coffee, and traveling. I rented a lovely flat in Paris. I think you might like it.”
“Perhaps you’ll show it to me one day.”
“As a friend visiting?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” he laughs.
“I would. I know I have no right to ask anything of you, but it’s tearing me apart.”
“What’s tearing you apart, zhizn moya?”
“Not knowing if you hate me,” I confess. “If you’ve moved on. I need to know if tonight is goodbye for good. I have no right to ask you to love me, but I need to know.”
In the room’s silence, I listen to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Kaz hasn’t spoken for a long time.
“I’ve never stopped loving you. You sealed your fate when you confessed your love for me, Caelia, and returned to me. I let you slip away twice before. The first time was unintentional; the second time was a choice. But this time? Not even death can take you away from me.” I never wanted to be trapped by someone’s side, but that’s the thing with Kaz. He has a way of giving me everything without making me feel suffocated or caged. His love is unlike anything else in this world.
“But I can’t marry you,” he continues.
“I promise you, I’m not a flight risk anymore.”
He laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.
“I can’t marry you because I never divorced you.”
“But I signed the papers.”
“You did, but I burned them.”
“So—”
“You’ll always be my wife. My counselor. My partner.”
I can’t believe this man. He never set me free. Was he planning to be my husband all along without me even knowing?