Page 44 of House of Lies
I swallow, trying to think of a witty retort, but my mind goes blank. The misfortune happens so slowly that I don’t even realize it at first. But as I think about this question, I feel a warmth radiating from within me. My body melts into his as if we were made for each other. He holds me close like he doesn’t want the dance ever to end. And I feel safe in his arms tonight. Regardless of what happened between us in the past, I can trust him tonight. His hand caresses my back lazily, the smirk never leaving his face. And I don’t feel the need to wipe it away, either. At this moment, he feels more like himself than he has all night. For some reason, he’s been dreading this ball.
The song eventually ends, but we’re both reluctant to let go. So we don’t. Another song begins, and we draw even closer. My chest presses against his, a shiver running down my spine, my feet unsteady. I don’t want to share a special moment with my husband, but I don’t know how to stop it either. I allow it to happen because I am too tired to fight. Again. And again. And again. This is all this marriage has been since the beginning—a constant battlefield. But for one night, I tell myself that nothing bad will happen if I allow myself to lower my guard.
He leans in close to my ear, his voice low and alluring. “You’re doing it again,” he says.
“I’m tired, Mattia. So, so tired,” I confess.
The orchestra plays a slow melody, and the violin’s sound stirs up my emotions.
“You can lean on me, Caelia.”
He knows I’m not talking about physical exhaustion. Just as I know that the meaning of his words runs deeper. I can lean on him as my partner, husband, and friend. It’s a strange world I’m living in, where my husband has become my friend and my stability. It’s not just about the sex. It’s about that too, but not only. It’s all the conversations we had, the movie nights we shared, the training sessions, and the moments when he made me laugh or showed vulnerability with his guard down.
I need to get out of this marriage while I still can.
The possibility of falling in love with my husband is no longer laughable or far-fetched. I promised him a loveless and childless marriage, but human emotions are fickle. My emotions are shifting, changing with every moment spent with him.
He kisses me, and my heart skips a beat. I was wrong. I can’t lower my guard. Not tonight, not any other night. He will find a way to slip through the cracks he created in my heart and heal them from the inside out. He will pour himself into my soul until I won’t be able to fight against him.
“Mattia, I need to have a word with you.”
I look at his father, past his shoulder. He doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I’m the dirt on his shoe. Regardless of his alliance with my father, there’s still too much bad blood between them. He will never consider me a part of the family. His disdain is almost as obvious as my mother’s.
“I’ll be right back,” Mattia says, knowing he can’t deny his father.
I nod, watching him sneak through the crowd. I take a deep breath, stepping aside from the people still dancing. I don’t mind being alone, but I have learned that at these events, it’s better to engage in conversation with someone than to be a sitting duck, waiting for someone to corner you—someone like Mattia’s brother, whom I see charming a young girl on the dance floor. Luckily, I see my sister talking to my mother. It’s not the company I wished for, but if I had to choose between my mother and Ludovic, she’d be the lesser evil.
“Caelia, you look gorgeous.” My sister smiles as I approach.
“You do, too, sister,” I reply, hugging her. Then I nod at my mother, standing beside my sister.
“I saw you dancing with Mattia,” my mother remarks with a deadpan expression.
“Well, yes. He’s my husband. This is a charity ball. Dancing was expected,” I remind her.
“Don’t be insolent.” She wrinkles her nose.
“Then maybe stop being such a pain.” I sigh.
I don’t know what came over me tonight, but I say and do all the wrong things. Cosima purses her lips, trying to hold back a laugh. She looks beautiful, wearing a rose gold mermaid dress, her blond hair in a high chignon, and a few strands falling free on the sides.
“Watch your tongue, Caelia. I am your mother.”
“I’m very aware of who you are. My unapproachable, displeased mother. No need to remind me.”
“I think that’s enough,” my sister says, but her gaze is fixed on our mother. She’s struggling to hold back a laugh.
I turn my head, and to my surprise, I feel a stinging sensation on my cheek. It takes a moment to register that my mother just slapped me in front of everyone. I laugh, rubbing my cheek.
“I wish you weren’t my daughter,” she spits with venom in her eyes.
“Finally, the truth.” I continue to laugh. “That makes two of us.”
She shakes her head disapprovingly before turning on her heel and walking away.
“What’s gotten into you? Are you all right?” Cosima removes my hand and inspects my face. “You’ll be fine, but seriously, Caelia, what’s going on with you?”
“I’m sorry, Cosima. I don’t know. I’m just tired of her constant complaints. No matter what I do, it’s never good enough,” I admit.