Page 85 of House of Lies
“I understand,” I whisper.
“Do you? Please enlighten me.”
“I disgraced my family. Even if I were in a happy marriage, not in the disaster I was in, my husband would never touch me again. I understand if you don’t want to. If you’re not going to.”
Although I need him to. I want him to.
“You’re going to be a widow soon,” he reminds me. “Shame? The only shame here is upon your husband’s family, moya solnyshko.”
I don’t know what the words mean. I’m more focused on the fact that he knows what happened. He guessed, or Vanya told him everything I spilled during our car ride. I can’t be mad about that. I needed to vent, and he was there. Maybe I secretly hoped his cousin would tell him everything I couldn’t. I took the easy way out.
“You understand nothing. I’ve told you that you don’t know me,” he says before kissing me like he used to. One of his hands presses the back of my neck, pulling me closer; the other leaves me breathless as he circles my wrist like he never wants to let go. I run my fingers through his hair.
I still trust him. And it breaks my heart. Kaz moves his hand on my thigh. My body goes soft under his touch. I spread my legs, landing on my ass. He follows, towering above me as I lie back on the floor. He kisses my jaw, burying his face in the crook of my neck, returning to my lips a second later. What a fool I’ve been, thinking that Mattia could ever kiss me the way he does. I can try to sell him all the poisonous lies I can think of, but I can’t lie right now. He owns me. He will always do so. I’m so lost in him that I don’t realize what’s happening until I feel the cold metal of the handcuffs on my right wrist again. The distinctive click as he tightens it around my wrist. He could do anything to me now, and I wouldn’t care.
He leans back, and my wrist is yanked forward as he moves. I lower my gaze, only now noticing that Kaz handcuffed me to himself, making sure that I won’t be able to escape. I don’t know if it’s a long-term plan.
“What the hell, Kazimir?”
“I’m just making sure you won’t try to run away again.”
“How long are you planning on keeping those on?”
“As long as I have to.”
That’s a vague answer, but he will be by my side as long as the handcuffs are on. Before I can stop myself, I shift to a sitting position, knees parted, placing my hands on his chest. I trace his tattoos with the tips of my fingers, stopping them on the button of his jeans. Tilting my head back, I watch him. Kaz arches an eyebrow, his Adam’s apple bobbing as my palm slides down on his erection.
“I meant it,” I whisper. “I want you to make me forget.”
I need him to help me forget. He healed me before, almost making me forget everything Mattia did to me. He can do it again.
“I’m not falling for this again, Caelia.”
“It’s not a trick,” I promise. It isn’t.
He was willing to give me this, but that was minutes ago before I tricked him and ran away. He might have changed his mind. He might want to kill me now. I need this more than anything else at the moment. I’m aware it’s not a normal response. I’ve been through a lot recently. I need to eliminate the memories of other hands on my body. Thinking Ludovic was the last person inside me makes my stomach recoil. I need to erase his touch from my memory.
He doesn’t stop me when I unbutton his jeans and lower the zip. He watches me with an arched eyebrow, trying to find the catch. There isn’t one. As messed up as it is, he’s the only person who can make me forget what happened. Slipping the jeans and his boxers past his thighs, I stare at his cock, waiting for panic to take over my body and for warning signals to go off in my brain, but nothing happens. I wrap my hand around it and rub it up and down, getting used to feeling like I’m doing this for the first time. I swallow, trying to push myself through it, remembering how it felt when we were together. All I see when I close my eyes is the warehouse, and I can’t live like this. I refuse to, and I know it’s a stupid move. I should allow myself time to deal with the trauma and face it, but if I lift the lid on that box, I’ll never be able to fit it back in. I won’t do it until it’s overflowing.
“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” he warns me.
I wonder the same thing he does. How far am I going to take this? Until the end. Leaning forward, I bring my mouth to his crown, circling it with my tongue. His body goes tense, a hiss escaping his lips.
“Do you know that I’ve never sucked my husband’s cock, and you were the first one?”
I don’t know what possesses me, but the words are out, and I can’t take them back.
“Fuck, baby,” he growls. “Tell me what other things you didn’t do for him.”
I look up at him. His eyes glint like they’re trying to contain all the madness and desire inside him. Kaz brings his hand closer, trying to allow me more movement. I move it slowly, tracing every vein with my fingertips. The skin feels like velvet, and I smile as he throbs into my hand.
“I’ve never fucked him willingly,” I admit. “I never enjoyed it.”
I never cared about him.
I don’t tell him this, though. Kaz holds enough power over me as it is. I watch our bound hands as I take him into my mouth, taking my time. I try to take as much of him as I can. He moans, saying something in his native language. He rests his hand on my head, holding it still. I try to sync my hand and mouth but can’t focus. I ignore the pain thundering through my body. I ignore the flashbacks trying to surface. It’s just us in this room, and I know how he may be the greatest danger, but it certainly doesn’t feel like it. Wrapping a hand in my hair, he moves his hips, sliding in and out of my mouth too slowly. He’s trying to contain himself.
“Don’t.” I pull back, looking up. “Please don’t do this.”