Page 88 of House of Lies
Getting her pregnant is at the bottom of my list, but I’m not beyond doing it if this is what it takes to keep her by my side. I’ll fuck her day and night until she's pregnant. I’ll fuck her with this thought alone in my mind. But it’s the last plan I’ll resort to.
CHAPTER 58
Caelia
Kaz. Why did I call him Kaz? I feel like I’m losing my mind. This constant push and pull between us is exhausting. The alternative would be to give in, but I’m not ready yet. Cosima couldn’t help me in this situation, but I still miss her. I can’t help but wonder if they held a funeral for me. If Mattia bothered to fake mourn me in public. I don’t want to be bound by Kaz’s side for the rest of my life. There was a moment in the office when I thought it wasn’t the cruelest of fates, but as I look now at our handcuffed hands, panic rises in my throat. I shift my weight as slowly as I can. The last thing I want is to wake him up. Kaz won’t let me go. He forced me to shower with him. Now I’m sharing a bed with him, something I didn’t think would happen again.
I never understood what kind of psycho can sleep in jeans, but jeans have pockets, and the key must be in one of them.
Taking a deep breath, I move closer to him. My nerves prickle as I remember his praise. He didn’t have to say any of those things. All I wanted was for him not to treat me like I would break. I should’ve known better than to ask this of him because now I can’t think of anything else. Bending my arm, I touch his leg, trying to find the key. I feel ridiculous a couple of seconds later when I’m trying to sneak my hand under his ass.
“Have you lost something?”
He tries to stretch his arms, forgetting that I’m attached to him. I lift my arm to avoid punching him in the chin.
“No, I ... Why don’t you go back to sleep?”
“Why don’t you come here?”
I had already fallen asleep in his arms. It’s not an experience I want to repeat too soon. It scares me. I feel at peace and safe, although it’s just an illusion. I want nothing more than to lie next to him. He watches the battle I’m fighting in my head, my face betraying all my feelings. I’m tired of fighting. It’s too late for damage control.
“How can you sleep like this?” I ask, raising my arm to prove a point.
“Like what? With you in my arms? That’s my favorite way to go to sleep.”
“Liar,” I scoff. “Can we talk?”
He raises an eyebrow. “Sure. What’s going on?”
There’s not much light in the room. It’s the middle of the night, and there’s only one lamp turned on. The house is quiet, and even though I’ve showered, the hospital smell is still impregnated on my skin. Not fighting him was never a good idea, but tonight, I gave in. I lie beside him, resting my head on his chest. He turns on his side, wrapping his free arm around me. I can’t decide if I’m driven mad by the handcuffs or if I like them secretly because they force him to stay close to me.
“If you still want to know what happened to me, I’ll tell you.”
His body goes still.
“Are you doing this to distract me from the fact that you were looking for the key?”
Goddamn.
“Is it working?” I laugh.
“Yeah, it’s working.”
I’ve already told Vanya, but I don’t remember it being this hard. I feel like the walls are closing in around me. He moves his hand on my lower back, drawing circles with his fingertips.
“He caught up with me a few weeks after I ran away.” My voice is as strong as I expected. “He came with six of his men and Ludovic. I swear, I tried to fight, to run. I just ... couldn’t.”
I didn’t stand a chance.
“I know you did.”
“He ... he asked his men to strip me naked.” I refuse to cry. I refuse to break down. I need to get this over with. “They all held me down and watched as Ludovic raped me. Mattia never touched me after he caught me. He just sent his brother to rape me so many times.” My voice shakes, and my mind goes blank for a second, refusing to relieve everything. “I didn’t look. I couldn’t. I just?—”
I shiver in his arms, my mind going back again to all those terrible things.
“They will all die, Caelia. I can’t do anything to take your pain away, but I can promise you this. I will take my time torturing them. And I’ll make sure they’ll understand why their death will be so horrific.”
“You can’t just go on a killing spree over this.”