Page 19 of The Lucky One
I couldn’t help but smile at that. It was right in my bag. I drew out the key chain and twirled it in the air. “You really think you deserve it back?” I teased.
“I don’t,” Jon said with a sudden change in mood. The key chain dropped into my lap.
“What are you saying, Jon? Of course you do!”
“I don’t deserve anything, Little German,” he said. “Not after how much pain I put you and other people through.”
I clutched my fingers around the key chain, momentarily speechless. Jon’s words were filled with a depth of emotion I hadn’t heard in him before. It was becoming increasingly clear that he wasn’t the same person he used to be.
“You deserve more than you give yourself credit for.” I reached out to sweep his long curls from his face, but he shied away.
“I gave you the pill that started it... I got you addicted.”
I swallowed hard. I didn’t like talking about the pills. It made my skin itch. And the memories of that time were something I’d rather forget. “You gave me a choice and I made the wrong one. If someone’s to blame, it’s me. Please, let’s forget about it.”
But concern was still etched over his face. “How do you feel now?” he pressed. “Do you still crave it?”
My first instinct was to say no, but that would’ve been a lie. “Sometimes I do. Especially when I see people with it at school, and I could have access... I even went to Marna’s once but no one was there.”
“You went to Marna’s?” Jon said, his eyes darkening.
“Not my most glorious minute. It’s been a long two months without you.”
Jon let out a long breath, resting his head against the seat and closing his eyes for a moment. “Whenever you feel a craving, call me from now on, okay?”
I nodded. “You too.”
He shook his head. “I’m going to meetings.”
“Jon!” I pouted, my grip harsher around the key chain. “Let me be there for you too.”
“This is my issue, Little German,” he growled. “I don’t want you to be more involved than necessary. Please let me deal with this on my own.”
My imaginary bubble of paradise burst into pieces. Jon had only been gone for two months. I couldn’t realistically expect him to be fully healed. Caroline had told me that he would choose his own way of dealing with recovery.
But he didn’t need to be alone in this. I reached out for his hand and squeezed it. “Jon, you don’t have to pretend like everything is perfect. I don’t want perfect. I’m there for the highs and lows, okay?”
He blinked and looked up at the stars. “I gave you enough lows though,” he whispered.
I tightened my grip on his palm. “I’m only happy if you don’t pretend with me.”
He turned to look at me, and for the first time since his return, I noticed that little flame in his eyes again. “I could never just pretend with you,” he said.
He placed a hand on my cheek and I closed my eyes, leaning into the tenderness of his touch. I was back in my bubble, protected, calm... almost like in my brother’s room.
But I knew I couldn’t avoid the topic. I opened my eyes. “So you still... crave drugs?” I was scared of his reply despite knowing the answer.
“All the time,” he admitted. “Sometimes it gets bad. Sometimes I can distract myself with food or working out. It comes in waves, like you wrote.”
“Are you on a wave right now?”
“No. I’m with you right now, that’s all the high I need.”
I picked up the key chain in my lap and handed it to him. “You definitely deserve this back.”
Jon smiled and leaned in to kiss me. As our lips met, I understood exactly what he meant. No drug could compare to the rush of excitement of kissing him. I just couldn’t get enough.
He drew back a bit, hands cupping my cheeks, eyes drinking in my lips. “I want to be better now. Rehab... surprised me. I’m clean now. It wasn’t easy, but I pulled through because I knew I would get back to you.”