Page 26 of Singled Out

Fresh air.

Water.

Space.

That was what I needed.

I unlocked the door and headed outside.

The properties on this section of the lake were larger, not crammed in so close to each other like they were in other neighborhoods. Here, groves of trees grew from the shore to the house on both sides of Max’s property, separating it from the neighbors.

There was a paved path to the water that split the yard down the middle, but I stuck to the cool grass on my way to the shore.

Max owned a boat, because of course he owned a boat. The pontoon was docked under a canopy. Instead of going on the dock, I stuck to the shadows on this side of the boat, noting his land had a small sandy beach.

With my feet bare, I waded into the water, reveling in the cool, refreshing feel of it, standing calf deep and letting the sounds of the outdoors wash over me. Insects. Frogs. The slightest whisper of a breeze in the trees.

I continued a little farther, thigh deep, my feet finding sand and a few smooth stones.

Above me, the vast, black sky was peppered with a million stars. It was a stunning sight. Reassuring at a moment when I was on the verge of being pulled under by doubt.

I’d been burying a suspicion that everything in my life was on shaky, unsure ground for weeks, just trying to make it through the gala. Naomi’s award acceptance. It was the last of the obligations I had to see through for my friend. First had been the funeral, then the auction at the Marks for her pet cause. Then tonight’s award.

It was all finished now.

My life was my own again, with the exception of the studio, and that was temporary and optional.

I swallowed hard, which seemed to serve as the valve that’d been holding back my tears, because they now poured down both cheeks.

Yes, my life was my own again, but a thought had been building, gathering steam, that there wasn’t really very much to my life.

Over the past few years, Naomi had become a large part of my days—my roommate and landlord, my friend, mentor, the person I spent more time with than anyone else. I’d managed to not let myself fixate on her absence because I’d still had those obligations to see through.

Suddenly her loss gaped in front of me. I felt it as a physical pain in my chest.

Her beautiful face, her multitude of copper-tinged braids, her kindhearted blue eyes… I saw her perfectly in my mind’s eye, allowing the image in to an extent I hadn’t in the weeks since she’d died.

I’d kept myself too busy carrying out her day-to-day responsibilities with the studio and the farmhouse, consulting on the auction when asked about her preferences, the organizers trying to honor her at every step. Then the gala—preparing for it mentally and emotionally, as well as finding the right dress and shoes, choosing from her modest jewelry collection a piece I would wear to have her with me, and spending the day getting prettied up for it—facial, nails, hair, makeup. Coming up with suitable words for the acceptance itself.

By putting all my energy into the details, I’d focused on what alive-and-well Naomi would’ve wanted. It had kept reality from sinking in—that alive-and-well Naomi was gone forever.

Quivering from the inside out, I choked on a sob and fought to catch my breath.

Once my lungs were filled, I dove underwater, into the welcoming darkness that insulated me from the rest of the world, rushing around me to cradle me and protect me like a loving mother. I kicked, cut my arms through the water, and let out a screech of mourning that only the fish could hear.

I swam farther out, away from the shore, until I ran out of breath and had to surface. I filled my lungs again, panting for oxygen as I treaded water, my tears mixing with lake water.

I checked the darkness around me, making sure there wasn’t a silent fishing boat anchored nearby or someone sitting on the edge of a dock. I’d swum beyond the end of Max’s dock by a good bit. I didn’t sense anyone close enough to see my shoulders shaking with silent sobs.

I stretched one leg downward but didn’t hit the lake bottom, so I kept myself afloat by treading water, bobbing my head under frequently to wash away my tears, only to have more pour out the second I resurfaced.

When my muscles wore out, I eased my head back and drifted into a float with only my head above water.

As I gazed at the stars, I let thoughts of Naomi come, giving them no resistance, just allowing them free rein as I hadn’t before. I wondered if she was in the stars. Took comfort in imagining she was. Smiled through my tears knowing that idea would’ve filled her with joy and inspiration. She probably would’ve tried to paint it.

The sobs kept coming, pouring out of me. I floated there for I didn’t know how long, silently ugly crying, sputtering out lake water, grieving my loss. Missing my friend so much that every cell in my body ached to hug her, longed for the sound of her joyful laugh.

Eventually my breaths evened out, and my shoulders ceased their shuddering, my body thoroughly wrung out. The sliver of a moon was the only measure of how much time had passed, as it had traveled partway across the sky.