Page 106 of Raven's Dawn
Suppose we’d see.
My guys parted, letting Jake get closer. The two of us moved away from the others. Still within sight, maybe within Ezra and Warren’s hearing distance, but I hoped that whatever we were about to discuss would be drowned out by the music. You could have line-danced to the earlier songs, but this one was softer, more like a ballad.
Jake placed his hands on my waist, and I put mine on his shoulders. We looked at each other for a minute, staying silent. Then, simultaneously, we opened our mouths to speak. I didn’t catch his words, and he didn’t catch mine, and we laughed, and the tension faded.
“You first,” I said when it slowed.
Still teetering with mirth, the genuine kind, his smile grew awkward again. He pressed his lips together. “You were right. And I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too.” I frowned. “But what was I right about?”
“Everything?” Biting his lip, he had a hard time meeting my gaze. “Summoning the Demon, for one.”
An ache throbbed through my chest. “You were young. We all do dumb shit when we’re young.”
“I still am.” A hard swallow. “I don’t know. It’s hard to step out of the role I was always standing in, you know? Mom and Gran always told me to take care of you, so I did. Poorly, most of the time. But I tried. I fucked up—a lot—but I really tried to be a good brother.”
That ache only got more intense. “You were. You are.”
“I’m not.” Struggling to hold a smile, he shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. It used to be easy. Everywhere you had been, I had been before. I was older. I was more mature, I thought. Starting to think I was wrong about that too, though.” His gaze grew distant, but he recovered quickly. “I know I’m not now. I’m the little brother now. Even if I look older, I was basically in a coma for a decade. And I need to stop treating you like you’re a little girl. You’re not. I know that. And I’m angry that I missed watching you become who you are. I’m angry that I left you guys. I’m angry that I’m here now, when you and Graham are in love, but I didn’t get to watch it happen.”
“You’re not alone there.” Tears threatened my eyes, but I blinked them away. “You’re not the only one who’s angry you missed so much.”
“And that hurts. It doesn’t make me angry, but it hurts.” He lost the battle with his tears. One pearled down his cheek. “Knowing what I put you guys through, it hurts. And I don’t have the right to hurt because I did it to you. You didn’t do it to me. But I feel bad.
“I feel bad that Graham had feelings for you for so long, and I told him to fight them. That I wouldn’t support you guys being together. I feel bad that all he had was you for a really long time. I feel bad that I abandoned him, and I feel bad that I abandoned you, and I feel bad that I’m jealous of Ezra and Warren.”
A tear or two more trickled from the corner of his eye. “They’re closer to him than I am now, and it hurts. But it’s my fault. I don’t blame you guys for moving on. You had to. I was gone, and you had to live your lives. And I don’t even think that I’m really mad at Warren for doing what he did. I’m mad at him because Graham likes him more than me. Because you like all of them more than me.”
Now, I was going to lose my own battle. “That’s not true.”
“It is. It is, and I don’t blame you.” He swept the tear away, shaking his head again. “I see you guys. You’re, like, together. Normal. You grew into, like, functioning grown-ups. And I know that everything’s kind of uprooted right now, but you just… You have so much more experience than I do. You guys are just all on the same wavelength, and I’m ten steps behind.”
This time, it was me wiping one of his tears. “You’ll catch up.”
“I hope.” Snorting a laugh, he swatted the rest away. “But, I don’t know. Can you just try to give me some grace until I do? Yell at me, if you have to. Remind me of this conversation. I just… I want to find out where I fit into your group. But you got to admit, Rain, it is weird. The whole dynamic you guys have, even if it does work, and you’re all normal and healthy, it’s also really fucking weird.”
I laughed, nodding. “Yeah, it is really weird.”
“I don’t know how you do it.” He looked behind me at the other guys, shaking his head slightly. “How any of you do it. I couldn’t handle the jealousy. Watching someone you love be with someone else. It’s… I mean, that’s gotta be torture.”
“You know, it’s not.” Smiling, I raised my shoulders. “We make time for each other. When we all need one-on-one space with one another, or from one another, we take it. Jealousy crops up sometimes, but we address it, and we work through it.”
“I’ve seen it,” he agreed, still watching the others behind me, “but I just don’t know if I could take it.”
“Some people can’t. But sometimes, it’s just how it’s meant to be. We’re all really good about talking and working through our problems, and there’s nothing about it I’d change.”
“Even if one of them wanted to bring in someone else?” He squinted over my guys, shaking his head again. “Wouldn’t that bother you?”
“I don’t know. It’d depend?” Another shrug. “I mean, we have forever together. Even if right now, everything works, who knows? Maybe one day, one of them will fall for someone else. And as long as they fit into our group, or didn’t mind keeping their distance if we didn’t get along, I could accept it. I’d just have to work through it with them like we work through everything else.”
“Hmm.” He may as well have been a bobble head, because he just kept shaking his head. “Whatever works for you. And it does. I see that it works for you. They are good to you. All of them. I see how happy they make you, and even if it’s hard for me to accept that you’re grown up now, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Just for you to be happy.”
“I am. I really am.” As the song came to a close, I leaned in and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Kissing his cheek, I squeezed tight. “That’s all I want for you too. And yes, I’ll give you some grace.”
He squeezed me back, kissing my cheek as well. “Love you, Rainbow.”
I pulled back and punched him in the shoulder. He’d tormented me with that nickname as a kid, but now it was Warren’s nickname for me, and it was very weird to hear that out of my brother’s mouth. “Don’t call me that.”