Page 99 of Raven's Dawn

It was different than every time I had killed before. Then, I knew their stories. Then, I had picked their brains apart. Then, I looked them in the eyes as I took their life.

Now, it was just a job.

Perhaps that was the problem I had faced when we were attacked in the night.

I always said that it wasn’t personal. I detached from the job. But that was a lie.

Every time I killed a rapist, I saw the man who had raped me in their eyes. I saw myself killing him.

This was a game, but my skin had always been in another.

I had never detached. When I worked for the Chambers, I did it because I felt justified in it.

It wasn’t that I didn’t feel justified in this. I knew who these people were, but I needed to spend more time here before I could do this again. I needed to hear the stories of the people from this land. I needed to know what these monsters had done to them so that I didn’t feel so hollow next time.

It was never that I needed to detach. To do this, I needed to feel. I needed to feel the pain of the victims, harness their rage, and unleash it on their enemies.

That had been the problem since I arrived here. When I worked for the Chambers, I always said it was only a job, but I was wrong. It was personal. That was why almost every person I killed for them was a rapist. So I could cathartically release the pain of my own trauma upon them.

I needed that connection here. Next time I did this, I needed to feel the pain these fuckers had inflicted. I needed to understand it. I needed to sit with their victims, feel their suffering, combine it with my own power, and drop it like a bomb on their enemies. I needed these bastards to be my enemy as much as they were the Fae’s.

Now, I understood what Jeremy meant. I had always pulled from my own pain to defeat an enemy. I just needed to feel their victims’ pain to do so.

The cage! Rania screamed in our minds.

I opened my eyes.

The glowing dome of green flickered.

Hold it, Rain! Laila’s voice.

They’ve got that, Jeremy said in my mind. This is our job. They can handle theirs. We keep handling ours.

I’m holding it! Rain’s voice was like fire.

The merrows, Caeda’s voice sounded in the telepathic group chat. They’re attacking the merrows.

“Graham,” Laila said.

Still soaring over the island in my astral reality, with eyes opened so I could see what was happening on the boat, I kept grabbing souls and shoving them toward the abyss.

Stripping off her cloak with one hand, Laila yanked Graham from the line. “The others stay. But me and you, we’re going down there.”

“There’re five stones,” he said. “We can’t protect them all.”

“Two more volunteers,” Iliantha said, stripping off her cloak as well.

“I can help, ma’am,” one of the crew members said. “I have power over air and fire.”

“I can—” Ezra began.

“Rain needs your power,” Laila said. “Keep chanting.” He did, and she turned to the crew. “Is anyone else willing?”

“Let me,” Amara said. “Please, do gràs. Let me.”

With a short nod, Laila grabbed each of their hands. They disappeared.

Head in the fucking game, Warren, Jeremy said in my mind.